The idea for this blog came about after many conversations and of course, personal experiences.
Attachments…we all have them. In some way or another, we are all attached. We interact with people daily on different levels and whether it was the person who cut in front of you in line or an old friend that you helped long ago who now acts like you no longer exist, we all have people who live in our heads.
Perhaps you are reliving a conversation with someone and thinking, “God, I should have shot back with a better zinger but I’m not that good at thinking on my feet”, or “Damn I hate that bitch“.
And you go about your life, but you’re not really fully present because you can’t stop thinking about what someone else did, or what they are thinking about you, or how you feel helpless to do anything about a person you love who is slowly killing themselves with an addiction.
Perhaps you can’t let go of the fact that your abuser got away with it, and you are picturing them smugly snuggled up in front of a fireplace laughing at the thought of you, while sipping brandy and eating caviar on toast points.
How does that thought make you feel? Angry? Betrayed? Hurt? Anxious?
Tell me, what are you doing right now. now that this thought is in your mind. Are you tossing a frozen dinner into the microwave again? Will you actually be enjoying the taste of that dinner? Wait a minute, why are you microwaving a frozen dinner? I thought you loved to cook. Don’t you have cookbooks gathering dust on a shelf somewhere? Why aren’t you using them? You don’t have time? No motivation? You can’t concentrate? Too tired? Too old to try something new? Why bother? Got to get back to your angry thoughts?
Think about it for a moment. Maybe someone or multiple someone’s did horrible things to you. Maybe you miss someone so much you don’t know how you can live the rest of your life without them. Maybe your whole life just feels like an empty void, and everything is going wrong. Maybe this abysmal existence is all you will ever know. Maybe you are just tired of all of this shit, and you just want your life to be over.
But what if…all there ever existed was here and now? All that is real is only what you see? If the past is gone, perhaps it never happened. Where is it? There is a version of it that plays in your head, but memories are not always accurate or reliable. The past is only the people and experiences that brought us to this moment. The future does not really exist either. It is just a culmination of our thoughts, beliefs, and actions right now.
Everything is pretty much what goes on in our own heads. We try to control that which is outside of us. But we can only act or speak and send out our own signals with no guarantee of the outcome. The problem lies in when we begin to expect a certain reaction or response from others over who we have no control. Expectations in controlling people or situations in the world around us ultimately set us up for disappointment. And if we continue to try to elicit the response we need from another person or situation because we cannot accept the disappointment, we are forming an attachment that is not healthy for ourselves.
I know that right now you are probably thinking that it is impossible to erase your past. That’s not what I am saying. You are the embodiment of everything that has happened to you. What I am saying is that when you form an attachment to the past and make it a separate being from yourself, and you see yourself as not someone who has survived…however broken and unfair life has left you and treated you…you remain attached to that part of you that was victimized and possibly see yourself as someone who has constantly been pelted by the shrapnel of others who exist outside of yourself.
You are not the reflection of other people. You are not worthless or worthy or ugly or beautiful because someone else says so. You are not half a person because you don’t have a life partner. And you do not have to exist to please anyone else.
You have a voice that is uniquely yours. It does not matter if nobody listens. Don’t stop speaking. You were abused whether or not people believe you. But you don’t need people to believe you. You are your truth.
I’m not suggesting that you don’t form bonds with people who bring you joy. I am suggesting that you seek out things and people who bring you joy. I heard someone say once that they could have done so much with their life if they had not been abused. I have heard of people who were shunned and people who have lost loved ones or who had no support. I have seen people hang onto people who hurt them in a desperate attempt to make them see reason and accept them or not leave them. Many, many people have family who will not talk to them.
These are all things over which we have no control. And we can be sad because of what we have lost. We can feel bitter because there is no justice. We can feel rage because we have been betrayed. And feelings are real, and they are fine. And I think it is best to acknowledge these feelings. And I think if there is something that can be done to right that wrong, by all means, fight the good fight. Channel that emotion. Use your voice.
Just don’t attach. Don’t simmer in a stew of self-pity. Don’t let them live rent free in your head so that you no longer own your own mind. Kick them out.
Are you lonely? Don’t wait for someone to love you. Find people who could use some help because they have no one to help them.
Is life no longer the same due to loss of loved ones? Adopt animals. Embrace the new normal. For life can change on a dime tomorrow. Be thankful. Connect with your higher power. Break out that cookbook. Try new recipes and surprise an elderly neighbor or a busy mom or dad with something you have made. Pick up that dusty guitar. Break out the sewing machine. Draw. Paint. Get a massage.
I am not saying you should not acknowledge sadness or grief or anger. I’m saying don’t chase after things that make you feel sad or powerless. I’m saying that you are a source of light, Find that light again. Begin to fill your brain with words from books or learn a new language or move your body and connect with nature.
Because you are enough. You are the source. You just need to remind yourself of that. It’s not easy. Your brain is so used to being told that things are so bad that in order for it to believe there is good, it is going to be like starting a car on a frigid morning. Or trying to stretch and use muscles after years of not moving from the couch.
Just get up and keep going and take one day at a time. Sending you all love.
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