So, we are back talking about Narcissistic abuse. You were going to tell me about your support system and the feedback you and others tend to receive when they reach out for help. Go on.
It’s not an easy thing to discuss. First of all, like I said, there is usually very little proof. And Narcissists tend to have developed their skills over time and are usually more than willing to put the blame on their victims. But, I have heard things like, “What did you expect?” “Why don’t you just leave that poor man alone?” “I think you were seeing things that just weren’t there” “You were just seeing what you wanted to see” “You are just more sensitive than most people” “You are a danger to priests” “Your boss sounds like a real jerk, but that was not sexual abuse ” “Sounds like you have father issues” and “At least you didn’t really get involved with them“. That last one gets me because it’s like saying, “So what if they played you…that’s just what men do. At least they didn’t beat you. Mind games is not the same as abuse”. Except that in some ways it is worse. Because you can’t name what is going on. And you can end up emotionally destroyed by the experience. The whole process is meant to play with someone’s head and destroy them in order to build up the Narcissist’s ego. It is not normal by any means.
I think I’m sensing a pattern here. There seems to be a lot of blame and control over the victim by the perpetrator and a lack of proof or belief by the support system. Why do you think that is?
Yes, it seems to work that way, unfortunately. You see, Narcissists tend to be highly insecure people who need something from their targets. And I say “targets” because they choose certain people and literally target those people. There is an emptiness inside of them. They don’t appear that way. To the world, they appear to have charm and power, but they need to either control a person, or use a person for attention or for money or another notch on their belt so they feel they “still have it”, or someone to take out their frustrations on so they can function in their own world.
And other people don’t see this?
No, these people tend to be highly manipulative. The world sees one side of them…the side they want them to see. Good priest, best friend, respected doctor, happily married person, loves children, do-gooder in the community…they need that facade to keep the flying monkeys convinced.
I’m sorry, did you just say, “flying monkeys” like in “The Wizard of Oz”? What or who are these “flying monkeys”?
A “flying monkey” is someone the Narcissist only shows their good side to. They totally believe what the Narc says and will defend them and help to tear down anyone who they feel is hurting this person…and that would be the victim if they speak up. More than likely, while the perpetrator is wooing you, they are talking about you behind your back. Because nothing is ever their fault. They always see themselves as a victim.
Have you ever experienced this? If so, how?
Oh, yes, many times. Although I was never able to name it and say what was happening. My ex would go out at night and if I would try to ask him to stay with me and that I was not happy, he would tell me “There’s the door, don’t let it hit you in the ass on your way out” or else, he would threaten to leave me. One night, I said, “Okay, you can leave”, and he did. Next thing I know, I get a call from his sister, who began to yell at me and accuse me. “What have you done to my brother?” Turns out, when he left me, he went to his mother’s and told his family (through a cascade of tears, no less) that I had thrown him out. Obviously, it was my fault entirely. Flying monkeys. Supporters.
So, it sounds like what you are saying is there is not a lot of support for victims either from the Narc’s friends and family or from the victim’s friends and family. Is that right?
No, it’s not that people don’t care, it’s that it’s not something that is entirely understood unless you have been through it. Like most things in life. My mom complained about my ex, but when I left him and went back home, I was met with my dad’s staunch religious viewpoint which was also somewhat misogynistic. But he also cared. To him, the husband took care of the wife and children. Although he knew there was a problem with that, my dad also believed that it was wrong for me to leave him. Although they meant well, there caring was not helpful and I felt torn back and forth and it was hard for me to see clearly. Plus, I was so co-dependent that I was terrified about trying to have a life without my husband. But I also knew it was that weakness that allowed him to walk all over me and have control of everything.
Are you saying that your ex was a Narcissist? Wasn’t what you are describing a normal, although troubled relationship?
I’m not an expert. And my ex did not appear to use the playbook, meaning the head games and the love bombing, so I am not sure. However, I find it helpful for myself to notice certain patterns of control and abuse in my relationships, so I begin to become aware of red flags before I get too involved. And there are different types of Narcissists. I mean, we all have some Narcissistic traits. I think it’s important to not focus so much on whether or not someone is good or bad or just normal angry or in a Narcissistic rage. I have seen Narcissistic rage, so I am learning. And that is a lifetime journey. What is important is to be aware of these things in people and noticing your own reactions to them,
Sounds like that would be a good survival skill to learn. Are Narcissists dangerous when they are angry?
Well, anyone is potentially dangerous when they are angry. But with Narcissists, it’s more about what kind of things set them off. I’ve read that they have the emotional mindset of a six-year-old child. And like a child, when they don’t get what they want from their victim, or their “supply”, they cannot accept fault or see things from someone else’s point of view. They have no empathy. So, if they do not get what they want, they explode into a kind of tantrum. And, yes, they are big on self-preservation, and it is possible for their rage to become physical and even more dangerous. I say “more dangerous” because I do not want to minimize the harm, they can do to someone without raising a hand to them.
So, to me it sounds like someone I wouldn’t want anything to do with.
They have friends and family. I’m not sure how deep the connection is, but they are also philanthropists and do gooders..at least in the public eye. Their image is everything to them. Kind of like someone in the clergy who is on the board of a college or does counselling work or helps the poor but when nobody is looking, will use their position to find vulnerable targets to “play with”.
How is it that nobody notices this other behavior?
Some people do notice some odd behavior perhaps, but remember that these people are likely to be respected for their job or position or they may have power over others in a job. People who do see the mask slip may be either too afraid to speak up or they figure it’s not in their best interest to speak up. Remember what stirred up the “Me Too” movement and what happened in Hollywood with those who had power and control. I just read something recently about something called “the dog whistle”, which is something that is said by the abuser that flies under the radar of everyone else but the targeted person. The victim knows what they are saying. It’s kind of like gaslighting in the way that what is said can be denied as the true meaning is not said in words. I used to call it “talking sideways” or having what is said go up in a puff of smoke. Like when my ex-boss who wanted me to approach him and initiate oral sex with him said to me, “Wow, that is quite a mouthful” when I said a particular name. It gets the message across because it is done often and yet it also makes the victim look delusional or crazy. And you can’t say that what they said was inappropriate because then you are seen as overly sensitive and imagining things.
It sounds like these people know what they are doing. No wonder it’s so hard to explain to other people. I guess my next question would be….what can someone do if they find themselves in a situation where they find they have become targeted by someone such as this?
We will save that for next time. What prevents people from leaving this situation and how to best go about doing so if you know that it is time to get out.
To be continued…don’t forget to share your feelings by rating this blog or by entering a comment if something resonated with you.
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