We’ve looked at emotional and psychological abuse before. I recently watched a show on Netflix called “Maid”. There are certain things that struck me with this limited series.
The show is based on a book which is based on the author’s life. Basically, it is about her struggle to make a better life for her daughter who is two years old.
Her husband or boyfriend/father of the child becomes loud and threatening when he gets drinking. The action that went over the edge was when he threw a vase or something that broke, and she had to pick shards out of her daughter’s hair.
She takes her daughter and leaves in the middle of the night. She goes to stay with friends, only to find that they have called her boyfriend to let them know that she is there, and she learns that he is on his way over.
She again takes her daughter and runs away with nothing. They end up sleeping in the car.
The story continues with various hardships along the way, such as her car getting totaled and having to find out what help is available and finding a job. We have all heard that story before and we know how desperate victims of domestic abuse are when they decide to leave.
But what I found interesting in this story first of all is the process she went through with trying to get help with money and a place to stay. What I also found the most interesting, is how the topic of non-physical abuse is mentioned and dealt in different ways by the people in her life as she grows in her own understanding of the dysfunctional situation.
For instance, when seeking assistance and told she and her daughter could take refuge in a woman’s shelter for domestic violence, she does not feel that she was abused because he never hit her. She tells the clerk to give the spot in the shelter to someone who really needs it. Someone who was “actually abused”.
The smart woman behind the desk enlightens her, telling her that she did indeed suffer abuse. The clerk gets them into a shelter for domestic violence, where she goes to group sessions and to classes, and she finds a job and things begin to look up. But life does not provide a smooth path for them.
What I thought was interesting is she falls, and she makes mistakes. She is learning, as are we all.
Like many victims of abuse, this woman came from a dysfunctional home where her father hit her mother when he drank. As she did, her mother stole off with her…but in this case, her mother is suffering from severe untreated mental illness. As it happens with many children, she became the parent.
I said that she fell. She did go back to her husband briefly, but you begin to see the dynamic and this invisible wall she is up against as she tries to set boundaries with her ex and she tries to get support from her father who is now in her life, and some help from her mother who has never given her emotional support. Not surprisingly, she does not get support from her family.
Something else that struck me is that when the woman was trying to find her boundaries with her ex, with her family and with people in general, her automatic response was to refuse help. I felt that. That fear of letting your boundary slip if you let someone else take control. The need to do it all yourself. The fear of owing someone or of having them suggest you owe them something.
She has no bruises to show. Her father says a fight he witnessed between the woman and her ex was just a squabble. Her ex returns her borrowed car. Now she has no transportation and no way to get to work or get her daughter to daycare. The control, the frustration and the subsequent rage we begin to see escalates with her ex. But nobody in her life sees or acknowledges anything out of the ordinary.
Consider that for her close friends and family….no surprise…this behavior is normal. Or at least comparably not as bad as it could be.
It made me think about my own family and for so many families…the dynamic is seen as normal and even if we can see that there is a problem, we are hard pressed to extricate ourselves long enough to gain the skills to deal with the dysfunction.
Is it any wonder that I suffer from social anxiety when I saw my mother thinking everything had to be perfect and that people would talk about us if we stood out in any way. And my dad having anxiety attacks that he soothed with alcohol any time there was a social event to attend. Both parents overprotective and controlling and full of anxiety and fears that something dire would happen to us. Dysfunction was present, and every moment in the presence of your parents or caregivers is a teachable moment to a child.
Emotional abuse in our house was just tolerated and not abuse as it was not physical. When an ex from high school who had physically abused me contacted me as an adult to go out for a drink, my mom said that now he is older and he most likely “got over it” … “it” being hitting women. And at the time the abuse took place, the priest who counselled us told my parents it was my fault as I had led him on.
That is why it was okay for him to punch me in the head. Because I wouldn’t commit to marriage with him right after we graduated from high school. Going steady with him must have entitled him to believe that we were going to get married as soon as we got out of high school. Another means, by the way, of stifling a partner’s independence is by keeping them dependent on you. And the best way to do that is to be sure they don’t have the life skills to leave you and be independent.
Trying to change yourself isn’t easy when you have no resources and no emotional support. It’s worse if there are children to think of as well.
How many of us, I wonder, were not encouraged to name our feelings or to even have feelings of our own growing up? How many of us have felt sheer terror at the thought of speaking up to someone and expressing our own needs due to the fear that if we do that, that person will leave us. Add to that, if we are with controlling and emotionally abusive partners, we are used to them knowing how to do things and taking care of things and we lose ourselves in a kind of parent/child situation where the child has no power and cannot leave.
On the same note, how many of us want a partner who can help us in our life, love us for who we are, understand us, make us feel safe in this world and so on?
Abusive and controlling relationships can seem comfortable and loving at the start. Emotionally, some of us are looking for someone to bond with and someone to make us feel safe. And that need to hang on and to be afraid to say the words that will show self-respect out of fear of losing that safety and that illusion of love…that is part of the reason that it is difficult and scary as heck to try to get out of a relationship when you know it is just not right.
And confusing. Because the abusive partner, their friends, and your family and support system, may tell you that you are wrong and that you are over-reacting. And you have no reference to know if you are just not being accepting enough of the relationship flaws, or just not able to see your partner’s point of view when they say it’s your fault, and at least you have a roof over your head and help paying the bills.
That’s just life, right? What do you think you are better than everyone else?
And as you grow and you learn and you make mistakes, and you go back again, your children, if you have them, are watching and learning.
And so, the lessons pass on to the next generation. You may get blamed for leaving their poor mother or father. You may end up with alienated relationships with your children or your grandchildren, and you may still be blind to the red flags and keep making mistakes.
In the Netflix series “Maid”, we are told that it often takes an average of seven tries before someone leaves the relationship permanently. I won’t give away the ending in case you want to watch it.
Just for this week, try to keep track of how many times you keep silent out of fear of making someone angry or fear of losing their love and approval.
Have a good week and don’t forget to take the poll at the top of the page.
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