I asked about pot gummies because I recently had them prescribed to me by my therapist. Having been through some major upheavals in my life lately, I was not sleeping well and having some anxiety. I’ve never been a big pot user…that is an understatement…maybe once ever ten years I would try if. Never liked feeling like I was spaced out and needing to eat a bag of chips or an entire pie.
But I have to say that the gummies don’t give me the munchies and they do help me feel less anxious and they help me sleep without the next day grogginess that can sometimes come with taking a pill.
To recap, in the past six months, I moved out of my house to get some space from a very controlling friend, my mom went into the hospital where we found out she had an incurable blood disease, and we took care of her at home for a month on hospice care while she steadily declined both mentally and physically. Words cannot describe what it was like taking care of my strongheaded, extremely active mother who fought me when I tried to give her medicine and accused me of trying to kill her, while watching her become less and less able to move and more and more childlike.
It was emotionally and physically horrendous. And then she died. And then less than two weeks later, my friend who I had lived with passed away, leaving my house a mess as he refused to go into hospice care and could not take care of himself.
I had said I would talk about our own vulnerability when it comes to abuse. And right now, I am feeling vulnerable. I’ll tell you why and see if it rings a bell for anyone.
What was it that made you vulnerable when you suffered abuse at the hands of someone else? I’m not talking about when we were children. If you were abused as a child, whether sexually, emotionally or physically, there was very little control you had over the situation just because you were a child. But what made you vulnerable to abuse as an adult? And I’m guessing that if you were abused as a child, it did affect how you saw yourself in the world as an adult, so we are talking about that vulnerability right now.
We all have insecurities and vulnerabilities. For the most part, we may be able to hide them and show a solid face to the world. But we all have things that trigger us, and we all have times where life feels overwhelming or off balance.
According to a Google search, the top ten life stressors are: Death of a family member or friend, financial challenges, issues at work, change in a relationship, divorce, exams and studying, buying a house, the news, having a child, starting a new job. I also found these stressors: Illness or injury, infertility, experiencing abuse, experiencing crime and the justice system (whether as a victim, a witness or, facing jail time), organizing a major event, family conflict, a child in college, and chronic illness…either yours or a loved one.
There’s a lot of stressors in our lives. Even unrequited love…that is when you have feelings for someone, but the feelings are not reciprocated…can feel like abandonment to the child within. By “child within” I am talking about feelings that spring up that you may know aren’t logical, but they are there inside anyway due to prior programming as a child.
These stressors, along with the physical symptoms they tend to bring with them …such as fatigue, lack of appetite or overeating, insomnia, anxiety, depression, inability to focus, a higher likelihood of having accidents or errors, feeling distracted or not quite in your body, feeling angry or sad or helpless…when your world is off balance, it can make you feel more vulnerable.
What other things can make you more vulnerable to abuse? When you are under stress, of course, you are basically off of your game so to speak. Kindness from someone and empathy can feel like a welcome respite from your troubles. We are more likely to let our guard down when we feel we a need to rely on the kindness of others to help us get through life’s hardships. But I am finding that there is even more going on under the surface that can affect us.
A couple of days ago, I was in my yard with one of my dogs and I heard what sounded like a loud crack. I looked towards the sound, and I saw a large tree topple over about five houses down. Luckily it didn’t hurt anyone as it well could have if someone had been walking nearby. I went to investigate and a police officer who worked nearby saw the tree fall and he took a look at the base of the splintered old tree and saw that there was rot around the bottom. It had gotten to a point where the rotted base could no longer support the weight of the tree and it just collapsed. The weather had been fine…just a slight breeze. So, it wasn’t anything outside of the tree that brought it down. It was something that had been going on inside for quite a while that nobody had noticed that had created a weakness over time.
Just like that tree, we all have things going on inside of us that can topple us over time. We can look fine on the outside or “normal” if you will. But all the while, thoughts and feelings can be eating away at our core.
I believe that we feel things through the lens of our inner child. Then we sort things out and the “adult” us tells us we shouldn’t feel that way or we should always be nice or in control. But when things happen in our lives that bring stress and a feeling of having our safety threatened…safety meaning keeping a feeling that we have a sense of control in our lives…I think that child within can and will demand attention.
What do I mean by that? Well, when my friend passed away, we both have a mutual friend…his ex-girlfriend…who is having a very difficult time processing his loss. And they broke up over ten years ago. But part of the reason she is having a difficult time, is because she feels guilty or wrong talking about him in a negative way, as he is not around to defend himself.
That to me, seems like the adult (logical) side of her pushing down the child (emotional) side. If you cannot openly express how a person made you feel…and let me correct that by saying…if you cannot allow yourself to express how you feel…how are you going to begin healing if you keep editing yourself?
This friend lost her father tragically at a young age and her mother remarried a number of times. Somewhere inside lies a child who felt abandoned and who suffered a major loss at a young age. She was also a victim of sexual abuse in her teens. A betrayal of trust. Those feelings get managed perhaps but are always lying there inside waiting for something to trigger a flashback whether consciously or unconsciously.
We all live with emotions buried inside of us. Sometimes I think it’s a good idea to listen to what our inner child is trying to tell us. For instance, I have always been uncomfortable around authority figures. Catholic grade school aside, at home my father was the ultimate authority. Even as a child, I knew that going to work was somehow more powerful than being a homemaker and that my dad’s moods could be unpredictable and sometimes frightening. When he got like that, you kept quiet so as not to push his anger further. I would sit on the stairs or somewhere where I could listen and wait for things to quiet down…either he would play his records or go to the bedroom and watch TV. Sometimes that could take what seemed like forever.
My mom would say that was not abuse. If I wanted to see abuse, she would say…her father used to get drunk and hit her mother. But the child in me internalized those anxious feelings that would then follow me into adulthood.
Right now, my feeling of vulnerability comes from losing two people who I took care of and who were in my life every day. They passed away back to back. My friend passed four days after I buried my mom.
I’m feeling untethered…like a Roomba vac roaming the rooms of a house looking for its docking station. It’s going to take time as this is a huge transition in my life. For the first time in my life, nobody is telling me to take care of myself and I am not shopping for anyone or taking anyone to the doctors. It’s just me and my “to do” list and how much motivation I am feeling.
I remember feeling this way a couple of times in my life…first, when both of my sons left home to move out within a week of each other, and the other times was when I was fired from the diocese. Both times, as now, everything reminded me of the loss I had experienced, and I wasn’t quite sure how to start the rest of my life from that point.
It makes us vulnerable when we experience great stress or change in our lives. And I think it is important to understand how we are feeling and acknowledge that…even if it is not pleasant. It is okay to be angry with someone for dying. It’s okay to admit that they were not perfect and that they passed along their issues to the next generation. But they were probably doing the best they knew how. Everyone has their own story.
And to anyone going through a loss, I recently read that you can begin to heal when you think nostalgically instead of through grief. That is, it is okay to be honest about the person’s faults and laugh about the memories you both shared. Easier said than done, but certainly a goal to reach for.
And if you are at a point where you feel like an undocked Roomba vac, be particular about where and with whom you recharge. If the docking station…meaning a person or a situation…feels off…move on and keep roaming. Better to roam untethered and unsure than to dock up for a feeling of security only to find an even more unpleasant situation.
Take care and respect yourselves.
I would like at this time to thank our leader, Zach Hiner, for all that he has done for everyone involved with SNAP. Zach is stepping down and Mike McDonnell will be taking his place. Thank you, Zach. And congratulations and good luck to Mike.
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