Survivors of Abuse recovery (soar)

Okay, I will say this and then we will move on. Bill Cosby. Yes, that. I want to say that I never met Bill Cosby and yet just seeing what went on last week where he was let out of jail on a technicality, and we saw that power and means can overthrow justice…it affected me. I had nightmares for two nights straight just reading about him. And I mean nightmares. One about my own predator and the other was so clear I don’t know where it came from.

In the dream, I was a young girl about the age of 13. Wanting to become a women and to look pretty but being afraid to do so because I feared it would bring me unwanted attention. That’s all I will say because it involved family and people I needed and violence and wanting to run away. And blood.

I’m not sure where it came from but I’m sure the dream was triggered by the Cosby release. So I can’t even begin to imagine how his actual victims feel.

All I will say, because it is terribly frustrating to see justice backslide, is that he was called out. His nefarious deeds were brought into the light. He will never be the same again. People will never see him the same way. And so, it was a small victory in a world where small victories come after great pain and struggle. But it was a victory at one point, never the less. Enough about that.

On a more positive note, after I brought forward some positive thoughts about myself last week, more began to follow. The reason I believe this happened, is because I lit up that roadway in my brain. My brain saw that I was seeking research on good things and so it gave me more. Our brains don’t ask questions. They give what they are asked to give without filtering.

That’s why it is important to do this….everyone…do this. This next week, I want everyone to write at least one thing each day that is good about you. Just do it. Get your brain running on a program to show you good things about yourself.

Why is it important? Well, for one thing, your body responds to what your brain is processing. Thoughts like “I hate myself and I want to die” send out signals that make your body sick. But telling yourself “You’ve got this” on your first day of a new job will get your brain working to pull up long forgotten files from the past where you did a good job.

I will tell you what is usually in the forefront of my mind. 1. I gained those two pounds back because I ate those French fries. 2. I wonder if eating this will raise my blood sugar. 3. I’m not in control of anything. 4. What did she mean by that? 5. It’s always something. 6. I’m saving those pants for when I lose weight. 7. I feel like I never get enough done. 8. I should be doing something productive. 9. I’m afraid. 10. I’m sad.

Okay, I know. Sounds like life, right? But if you were going to program a computer to do something, and you gave it those instructions, it would end up like the elevator in the book “The Restaurant at the end of the Universe”. In this science fiction book in the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” trilogy, the elevators had issues. They had issues because they were existential elevators. They didn’t want to be told where to go. They wanted to take part in the decision.

Being elevators who would be considered successful if they went with the flow and didn’t question life, they instead became too inquisitive with their passengers and too dissatisfied with the boredom they had to put up with. Most of the elevators, therefore, sat depressed and unmoving, in the basement, refusing to move.

How far am I going to get from my own basement with thoughts that bring me down? These thoughts I listed above are really thoughts I get distracted with. I mean, how can I go on when I can’t fit into the new pants because I ate French fries that I am still beating myself up about and so there you go…..I am one weak, undisciplined delusional person who may as well just give up because it’s not getting any better from here.

Do you see why some loving self talk is important? It is. And the more you do it, the more good thoughts come your way.

For instance, many years ago, it only took me one glass of wine to get up in front of a packed bar on open mic night and read my poetry. I had met up with a doctor from work who considered himself a poet, and he told me that I really needed to work on my stuff, and that I wasn’t opening up to the real me….but still. I did it. Ironically, my poem was about trusting someone and being led blindfolded into the woods and left there. It was metaphoric for basically being gaslighted.

Of course, the doctor, who wrote that he strutted like a samurai into his kitchen in the morning knew good writing when he saw it. Hey, he wrote that, not me.

How many times in our lives do we get interviewed for jobs and are asked “What is your greatest strength?” Only to sit there with a blank mind trying to think of a line to come up with that will impress someone. “Tell me about yourself”. Huh? Um. I live in a house and I have kids and two dogs….that is not who you are.

Do we really know who we are?

I mean, we can do it the other way and say….I love to bake but I’m terrible at following recipes and one time I almost killed my friend because instead of using liquid coffee in a cookie mix, I used the grounds. Did I mention my friend has heart issues?

If you find a balance, you won’t feel like a failure. You will be able to laugh at yourself.

Watch what you say to yourself.

I also read this week about the importance of security in the first year of life. I had read something before, but there is something people suffer from called “Cold Mother Syndrome” where especially back in the day, it was felt that comforting a baby could spoil them. I remember my mom telling me that children just got fussy now and then and to let them be…..don’t pick them up. Let them self soothe. It didn’t feel right to let my son cry, but you figure that mom knows what she is talking about.

Now they are saying that babies who don’t get the love and comfort they seek when they are small can have psychological issues later on. Love and comfort means survival for babies. When we think we see a baby self soothing, they may be feeling that their world is in peril and their life is in jeopardy.

And long term effects? Will have to read more about this to see.

I also read that they are narrowing down physical traits of pedophiles. They have found some common traits and physical defects that are thought to happen during the second trimester of pregnancy due to alcohol intake or lack of good nutrition, causing those babies to be born with a predisposition for pedophilia. That is interesting as well.

Someone sent me an article about “Cognitive Empathy” and how abusers use that to gain control over you.

Picture yourself on a witness stand at a trial. A lawyer approaches you. They acknowledge your pain and they want to make you feel comfortable. They try to get into your head. They try to see things from your point of view. But unlike a good friend who will use empathy to comfort you, someone who uses cognitive empathy does so not because they care about you, but because they want to learn what buttons they can push to get a reaction. Or to harm you. Or to win their case. Or to lead a cult.

Interesting. Remember that abusers don’t care about your feelings unless it benefits them in some way.

Some things that have helped people this week are support groups such as Survivors of Incest, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Co-Dependent support groups, EMDR which is a non-drug treatment for depression and PTSD and journaling.

That is all for now. Remember to do as I say, not as I do. Take care of yourself. Speak kindly to yourself. Exercise. Get your rest. Eat some healthy stuff. And let go. Clear your mind. Breathe. Meditate. Read. Smile. Laugh. Love.

Also we have hit 100 postings here on this blog site. Again….I always welcome guest bloggers…