I went to a class tonight in order to try to get in touch with my intuitive development. I began going to this class because I have always been interested in the paranormal and the unknown and because I found my anxiety growing in my personal life and wanted to go within and gain wisdom .
We were given an assignment to think about over the coming week that we will discuss next Wednesday, when we will be focusing on Karma and Reincarnation. The assignment has two parts. The first part of the assignment has us listing the 5 things in life that we have been able to let go of and have recognized that by doing so, we have become better people. The second part of the assignment is sharing 5 things we realize that we still have to let go of.
Suffice it to say, this class has not been all about lighting candles and summoning spirits. In fact, we have done none of that kind of thing. We have, instead, gone within. It has not always been easy emotionally.
I know they say that life is about learning lessons and that sometimes our enemies come into our lives to teach us certain lessons. One of the hardest lessons for me when it comes to being an adult survivor of clergy abuse is not forgiving the abuser, but forgiving myself. That deep sense of torment has clung to my soul and I find it hard to trust my own thoughts and feelings. How in the world do I tell myself that I love and forgive myself? How in the world do I let go of trusting and believing and opening my heart and soul completely to someone who reached in and grabbed them as if they were nothing but fresh meat, and fed them into a food grinder to make hamburger out of them?
How do I separate his actions from my feelings about myself when I handed over my self worth the moment he told me how special I was and when he looked into my eyes with the love of a father that the child within me craved?
This may be an assignment for a class, but it is a very real struggle for many survivors. It’s incredibly painful. For many, the heart and soul get placed back within the body and function as needed with their sharp broken edges patched together to keep their host alive and their feet moving one in front of the other each day.
We shuffle through life like the walking dead, existing as one of the pack, but not sharing our space, moving ahead but not looking anyone in the eye or allowing ourselves to be touched by anyone.
How do we begin to heal? How do we take the lesson into our hearts and souls and begin to tell ourselves…..good job, lesson learned. I love myself.
As silly and simplistic as it seems……maybe that is a start.