I wanted to mention after thinking about my post, that my brother has never once in his life, shown an ounce of violent behavior towards anyone else. Usually with him, it has always been the other way around. He is the one these days who helps everyone in the neighborhood and because he has such a good heart, his lapses in judgement are overlooked.
That’s not to say he is a joy to be around or that he has any good judgement. But I’m thinking that way back when, he more than likely was not holding anyone hostage. I think that was how the girlfriend’s friends reported it to police. There was an abundance of drama that summer
More than likely, since they were at someone else’s apartment, they may have been there to purchase some coke and since he did not own a gun himself, perhaps there was a gun in the apartment and he was more than likely talking about doing himself in.
I hadn’t thought about that night in detail in quite awhile, but seeing it from a distance, that is more likely the scenario, since it was the girlfriend’s friend who said what was going on and she was not in the apartment.
Someone said to me that I was most likely the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family and that she too had that role. She said she needed to learn to distance herself for her own good.
I did learn that lesson during that summer….after trying to help and protect and be there because that is what you do for someone you love…..I finally…..around 6am one morning, left my brother’s apartment after a full night of an emotional “intervention” that went nowhere with a crowd of his friends. He walked me to the door and I realized it was no longer my place to be there when he said something very emotionally damaging to me before saying perhaps he would go kill himself.
I realized at that point that I needed to take care of my children and myself. I realized he was a grown man who was choosing to make his life crazy and that I needed to choose to step away from the whole thing and not put myself in peril as well as my kids needed me.
I see my brother as a psychologically unhealthy person who chooses to self-medicate. I can’t say, however, that I would never try to help him again. Sometimes it takes a lot of walking into those walls before we learn the lesson. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to learn to separate the love for the abuser and the love for yourself.
And I did call him an abuser. Is he evil, my brother? It is so difficult to make that call. People who have been abused by family members can still love that family member. I feel emotionally betrayed by my brother. I loved him and he took advantage of that love. I don’t think it was to consciously hurt me. I believe it was more of an insatiable need within himself that lead him to hurt and betray me throughout our lives. I now just love him from afar. I also think that substance abuse can change brain chemistry and also bring out darker emotions that have been submerged. I do think it is behind much of the abuse that happens within families.
While talking with someone recently who had been sexually abused by a father figure when she was a child, she told me that even as bad as her situation was, she was still attached to her abuser because as a child, she needed love and care and nurturing. And she admits that she still does. We all do. However, how in the world do you go about looking for a healthy relationship and one that will not cause you pain, when that is all you have known?
I read something recently that said that we attract those people who are on the same vibrational level that we are. So if we need someone to love us and to heal us and reassure us, they too will most likely be somewhat broken themselves and be looking for someone who will give them the same. So it’s kind of like two empty vessels seeking something from the other that neither one has.
Then again, this person is trying to raise her vibration. She is seeking guidance and asking questions. She is seeking to learn and to heal herself, as many of us are. As another survivor said….we can relate to things that have happened to us.
My story may not have the same details as your story, but the scars we have carried with us from our youth have come from similar circumstances and family dynamics and dysfunctions.
Many of us have been thrown into adulthood not ready to be adults emotionally. As a result, many of us have had to go through many hardships and more abuse along the way and we’ve made many mistakes in order to grow and to learn.
And most importantly…..we have survived.