Posted on in abuse, Church too, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Narcissists, Priests, sexual predator, Spiritual Growth, Trauma bond, trust

Walk This Way

Well, to start with, I have to say that I’ve noticed how many times I automatically say “I’m sorry”. But at least I am starting to become aware of the habit that I’ve learned…yes, learned…in my life. Many of us have been taught to be polite and to basically apologize for everything so as not to offend.

But this blog today is about what we unconsciously do that may attract bullies and predators.

What I found most interesting in my research is that dangerous criminals…Ted Bundy being one of them…when asked what stands out to them the most when it comes to picking a target/victim is…the way that they walk.

Predators are experts at body language. They specifically look for that person who shuffles their feet when they walk. And hesitancy. Someone who walks too slowly or to quickly…as if they are in a world of their own and not paying attention to what is around them…or someone who seems ill at ease with being outside in the world and moves like a nervous gazelle. They also look for awkwardness of movement. That is the number one body language cue that tells people that you are vulnerable and will not put up a fight.

Another cue that gives away insecurity is body posture. Do you tend to hunch over like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders? Do you clutch your pocketbook or knapsack or whatever tightly to yourself? Do you tend to look down at the ground instead of the people and things around you? These too can emit an aura of insecurity.

So can social awkwardness and being a wallflower. Avoiding eye contact can also signal a weakness of confidence.

So, what is recommended besides becoming more aware of how you appear to others? (which in itself is a nightmare to people who tend to be shy or socially phobic)

Well, there are the obvious things like watching your nervous habits. Don’t twist your hair, bite your nails, or tap your fingers.

Also, try to walk briskly but not too fast. Pay attention to your surroundings. Stand up straight. And if you want to sit and look confident, the best way to do that is to stretch your arms out in front of you, put one ankle over your other knee, and place your hands on your legs in front of you in an open style. (obviously not if you are wearing a dress or skirt) If wearing a dress or skirt, it is best to cross your ankles and put your hands on your thighs.

Another thing to consider is how fit you are. With men, the broader the shoulders, the less likely they are to be victimized. No matter who you are, or what shape you are in, if you can lift weights to gain strength in your arms, do it. Take a martial arts class if you can. Join Toastmasters to learn how to speak in front of people. Well, those are suggestions that I read anyway.

My feeling is that some of these things may be out of reach for some people. But like everything else, just become more aware of the need to stretch your confidence. When you learn new skills or take new chances, you can like yourself a bit better. And that can show up unconsciously in the way you move and act.

When I tell some people that I am shy or quiet, I am surprised when they laugh and say “no, you’re not”. But it has taken work on my part.

There are many times in our lives when things change, and we have to go forward even though we are afraid. When I got separated and then divorced, I lost pretty much all of our shared friends. Being co-dependent, I pretty much had a social life with my husband and not so much by myself. But that began to change.

I took classes, worked two jobs, took square-dancing lessons, volunteered at the suicide hotline, joined a bowling league (and I suck at bowling) joined a paranormal group, started inviting people to my house, went to Chi Gong, joined a bookclub, started dating…I just kept doing even when it was uncomfortable. And it helped. But I still work on it all the time.

Joining SNAP opened up my world even more. I flew across the country by myself. Introduced a key speaker. Ran a live support group for those abused as adults, and then got literally dragged into another room to stand at a podium and tell my story to a group of strangers. Oh, also, I drove to and from D.C.

There was a time I would never have thought I could do any of those things by myself. Also, maybe most importantly, I can talk about what happened without feeling ashamed. That took time. And reading. And talking to other people.

But these things are possible. Maybe not without therapy or meds…but possible.

Oh, and the relationships I’ve had? I saw the warning signs, but I didn’t listen to my gut. In my defense, I don’t really know what a normal relationship is, so having someone try to completely change who I was, and withholding things, I felt that there are just things you accept as long as they are a nice person. Until the bar got higher and they decided that withholding sex was the way to go to get me to move in with them. I walked away. Because the bar will always get higher.

Another warning sign I ignored with a nice guy? He never had money to pay for anything. I knew that would never change so I chose to walk away. But not until after I had paid for everything he had wanted to get his daughter for Christmas.

It can be hard to see the warning signs…and even harder to listen to them. But here are some signs that you might want to watch out for to keep yourself out of danger.

If someone rubs their nose when they talk to you, they may not be telling you the truth. Same as if they can’t look you in the eyes or if they don’t use many hand gestures.

Signs that you may be in physical danger include, unwelcome touching of yourself or your stuff, foot stomping, narrowing of the eyes, jutting out of the chin with tightened lips, licking of teeth with or without the mouth open, tense or lowered eyebrows, sneering, looking through you, quick darting glances, clenched hands, hands in the pockets, uneven breathing, dilated pupils, staring at you…and one that was not in the stuff I read but that happened to me with the priest…blocking your exit. It was a threatening gesture that was meant to intimidate.

Other signs to look out for, of course, with a person who appears really nice is. like I mentioned, trying to change who you are or implying that you are not what they want so you need to change, trying to manipulate you or guilt trip you, being dishonest, needing you to cater to someone else in their life, disrespecting your needs…especially if you have stated what you need, being sexually selfish or not respecting your comfort level sexually, using you, trying to get a commitment right away, giving you things or doing things for you with strings attached, monitoring where you are going, accusing you of things, etc.

And I did say “nice person”, didn’t I? Because that too can be confusing. When someone who is nice begins to exhibit questionable behavior, it can be confusing. I tend to make excuses for people. Do you find yourself doing that? Not listening to your gut and telling yourself that what someone is doing is because of this or that and not because the situation is not good for you and you need to walk away?

That can be difficult to do. Because your brain may tell you one thing and your heart may tell you that you are leaving your best friend. The love of your life. Because the nice person and the things they can start to do just don’t add up or make sense. And if you have no solid basis for what healthy looks like…you may doubt yourself.

We will talk more about that next time. Until then, remember not to let fear stop you from stepping out of your comfort zone, but as you step out, listen to your gut for anything that doesn’t seem right. Be patient with yourself because we are all in a continuous state of learning.

Also, if you are victimized, it is not your fault. But we can learn ways to help protect ourselves.

Posted on in abuse

Attitude Dancing

The last poll, to nobody’s surprise, showed that most people find comfort in eating dessert.

I actually wrote a full blog last week and got to the end and it didn’t save because my internet cut out. I ate chocolate. That was frustrating.

In a nutshell, I wrote about a show I saw on Netflix called “The Push” which was about a very disturbing experiment performed on four unsuspecting subjects to see how far they would remain compliant in an increasingly insane situation.

Four people. Four average, good people. The grooming was evident. They thought they were helping out for a charity auction for an important client. And help they did. And what struck me was that as survivors, we often hear people say that what happened to us would never have happened to them. Maybe.

But what if someone asked you…would you ever kill someone? I mean someone you really didn’t know. You don’t have a grudge against this person, and you just met them. Of course not…right? But what if you had already gone along with some questionable stuff because you had found yourself in a situation where the stakes kept getting higher and you were in too deep before you knew what was happening and it was either your life and safety and your whole future or just giving someone a little push?

Still holding onto your moral compass? You would be surprised at the things four “normal” and “nice” people were essentially coerced into doing. If you get the chance, watch this show. It’s on Netflix until the 26th of this month. But be warned, it is very disturbing.

That isn’t what I actually wanted to address today though. Last time, I spoke a little about safety and being aware of your surroundings and other people. Now I want you to take a look at yourself.

There is something I have noticed with myself and other survivors. And this could very well go along with the show I just mentioned as well. We have talked about being targeted by Narcissistic abusers. We know that when we were abused, we were most likely in a position of vulnerability. But there is more to it than that. I was threatened and harassed by my boss. But I wasn’t the only one working for him. What made him target me and what kinds of things about us continue to make us vulnerable and possible targets?

One thing I notice is we do (and I use “we” for myself and for anyone else who may feel it resonates with themselves) is over-apologize. If you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize. But if you apologize for being yourself or second guessing yourself, or because you are feeling less than someone else, stop that voice that is telling you that you need to bend or fix things for someone else’s approval.

Take a breath and ask yourself….why am I apologizing? Do I own this problem? Am I apologizing because I feel awkward or trying to fix things for someone else? Perhaps you didn’t understand instructions? Maybe you under-dressed for a party? Or perhaps you don’t feel like doing something and you need some time to yourself?

Apologizing too much not only gives the impression that you are less than capable, but it also reinforces your feelings of low self-esteem. So not only does this give the impression of vulnerability, it also leaves you with a feeling of being less than or letting someone down. In other words, self-sabotage.

Instead of saying you are sorry when you have done nothing wrong, try saying “excuse me”, or “could you please explain?” And you don’t need to apologize for how you feel, how you look, or for taking care of yourself.

Remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s actions, opinion of you, or most of the things that happen in this world.

Try not to apologize too much. It can make you seem weak and perhaps make you a target. It can also signal low self-esteem to others. Practice instead more assertive phrases such as “pardon me”, “thank you for your patience”, or other phrases that don’t sound like you own all of the blame for everything.

Just be more aware of how and when you use the words, “I’m sorry”.

Next time…body language.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, Church too, clergy, Priests

Stop Dragging My Heart Around

Vulnerability. For children it goes without saying. They are vulnerable simply by being young and innocent. But what makes an adult vulnerable?

Recently, I did something out of my comfort zone. I shared the name of my book with a group of close friends and family on-line. I also “came out” and said what had happened to me. That made me feel very vulnerable because I have reached the point where I can talk about what happened and not feel shame. That took a long time. I also realize that what happened was abuse. That too took a long time.

Being involved with SNAP has taught me words like “Grooming” and “Gaslighting” and “Future Promising” and “Narcissistic Rage” and “Cognitive Dissonance”.

Coming out to people who know me but who have not been through the experience is scary. Because I know that someone is going to inevitably ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?” or “Why didn’t you just go to Human Resources?” or “How could you not see what was going on?” or even “What the Hell is wrong with you?”

So. it’s scary. But you know something, I think I’m okay with that. That vulnerability. Because many of my friends and family live in my area. And they will know that what happened, happened right here….to someone they know. By a priest who may be saying mass next week at their church. And though it may never happen to them, it may make them think. May make someone more aware of what is going on. And maybe it could reach someone who needs to hear the message.

We are all vulnerable to physical harm because we are in physical bodies. And we all need other people to a certain degree, which makes us vulnerable to be scammed or used or violated by others who lack empathy, or someone whose desperate need for drugs or money or perhaps emotional weakness may influence their actions.

Taking risks is necessary in life, but don’t hand out trust too easily. Be careful exchanging information with someone you just met. Beware of the charmer, the one who compliments or who wants to get close to you too quickly.

There are times in our life when we can be more vulnerable, and our guard can be let down. Obviously with clergy and at church. But also, in group settings and even in support groups where we are encouraged to share and be open. And of course, if you are alone, be careful to always lock your doors at home and in your car right away and trust your gut feelings if someone approaches you asking for help….never follow someone to their car or someplace where you will be alone with them.

Emotionally, abusers can sense when someone is vulnerable. Think for a moment of a time when you felt overwhelmed. Perhaps you had an abusive spouse, or you were trying to raise and support children on your own, or you may have been taking care of someone who was sick. Maybe you were sick, or your child was sick. Perhaps you have suffered an unbearable loss. Maybe you feel isolated or very lonely. Life can throw a lot at people, and increased stress can lead to depression. Things can seem hopeless, and the world can seem to lack any happiness or hope.

I’ve been there. We probably all have. It feels to me like the world lacks color and joy. You can feel that you’ve lost yourself and that you are no longer living but just surviving. You are emotionally vulnerable.

Having a person listen to you, seem to understand and care about you, take an interest in you, compliment you, find you attractive, or offer help when you need it, can feel like lifesaving rain to a parched flower. The sun comes out when they are around. Endorphins that have lain dormant forever start to wake up again and the world is awash with color. In a sense, you can feel a sense of addiction to that person if you have been in a state of emotional depletion.

You can also fall into a Stockholm Syndrome type of thing if this person is in power over you in some way, or controls important aspects of your life.

I was thinking about the struggle we often face between what we want or what we know is right or not right. The fight between the heart and the brain. Not when you are already in the middle of something and you can’t see the forest for the trees, but when you are functioning in life with other people.

It can sometimes feel like the head is the adult and the heart is the child that holds all of the hurt and the needs and the memories. They argue back and forth like a parent trying to protect their child from harm. Sometimes the head (the parent or experience and wisdom) can rule the heart. At other times, the heart storms out and slams the door behind it like a petulant teenager who has to do things their way, and the head just throws up their hands and says….”You know better but there’s nothing I can do. You’ll just have to learn the hard way.”

And that is, I imagine, how we normally process emotions. That does not take into account emotional vulnerability, when the brain and the body are confused and tired and misfiring.

I think the takeaway here is to be careful if something or someone seems too good to be true. And forgive yourself if you have fallen victim to someone who has taken advantage of you when you were at a low point in your life and needed someone.

Another piece of food for thought…thoughts of revenge can be common when you have been duped or abused. Remember that Narcissistic abusers can often be dangerous people. Directly trying to confront them can backfire and make situations worse. Advice for dealing with abusers is basically no contact.

On another note, I have been asked to share an attachment which I will include at the bottom of this blog.

Oh, also, getting back to my book, the priests are aware that I wrote this. Someone has bought the book, it appears, for the main reason to give it an anonymous one-star rating, and then trying to resell it. So, beware of buying used books from survivors who have written their stories. You don’t know who is selling it.

https://bit.ly/3jhT1Ft

Posted on in abuse

Reelin’ In the Years

It’s been a while, but I’m back with statistics from 2022:

These are the top ten most read blogs last year: 1. Halfway Round the World 2. In My Head 3. Clarity 4. Reflections of My Life 5. Goodbye to Love 6. Guest Blog #6 7. Guest Blog #7 8. Do You Believe? 9. Last Night I Didn’t Get to Sleep at All 10. Victim of Love

The blog now has 97 followers

The most popular time to read the blog was Friday night at 9pm

Total views for the year: 3,753

Top 10 countries reading the blog last year: 1. United States 2. United Kingdom 3. Canada 4. Ireland 5. New Zealand 6. Australia 7. Netherlands 8. China 9. Philippines 10. Finland

The average reader:

Has been in a physically abusive relationship

Feels stuck, mainly inside of their own head

Loves the leaves changing color in the Fall

Believes that Hell exists

Majority were born in May

Have never been married

Would call or text a friend if they felt lonely

Want or need to learn more about setting boundaries

Believe that rape is a form of physical abuse and can take place within a marriage

Do not know what it means to have energy work done on themselves

Are working on their co-dependency issues

Most are currently seeing a therapist

Have been in love fewer than five times

Have had two surgeries

And most do not follow religious protocol or go to services…some do go to church on Easter or Christmas

I hope your year has started out happy and that everyone is well. I will be back with more blogs soon. Guest blogs always welcome.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Co-dependent, Narcissists, Priests, Trauma bond, trust

Lying Eyes

https://www.npr.org/2022/11/19/1137962421/albany-bishop-asks-pope-remove-priesthood

I am including an article from NPR regarding former Albany Bishop Howard Hubbard, who not only was accused of the sexual abuse of minors, but also of covering up abuse in the Albany Diocese of which he had knowledge. He is now retired but is asking the Pope to remove him from the priesthood.

I don’t really know what this means for him legally. Bishop Hubbard says that he hopes, and he prays that one day before he dies, he will see his name cleared of all of these false allegations. To me that shows how out of touch he is with the situation.

He allowed the abuse to continue. He picked a side. He distanced himself from the abuse and the pain of those abused. Words don’t matter. He is responsible for the actions he took and failed to take when he was in charge.

He is not the sacrificial lamb. He covered up the crimes of his brothers (and sisters) and kept silent.

The recognition of the part bishops have played in covering up abuse is beginning to come under scrutiny a bit more these days. That is a good thing, because they surely know what is going on.

But is part of the reason they do not speak up because they too are afraid? About twenty years ago, there was a priest who tried to speak up about what was going on. Not so much about the abuse, but about how Bishop Hubbard was allowing homosexuality within the priesthood. Perhaps it wasn’t recognized as abuse at that time.

The priest was forced to sign a retraction and the next day, that priest was found dead. A victim, they say, of suicide. The thing I question now, is that about a week or so before that happened, that priest said a mass for another young man who had also committed suicide. I knew and worked with both of these people. Not closely, but we worked at a V.A. Hospital, where everyone knew everyone somehow or knew of someone…and nobody saw anything amiss with these two people before they died.

It makes me wonder now if the two deaths weren’t somehow connected. Had the young man who died a week or so before the hospital priest been a victim of sexual abuse in the past? Is it possible that one or both of them were victims of foul play?

Is it possible that those who live behind the church walls are coerced and threatened into silence as many of its victims are? Or are they just so adjusted to the order of things that they have a bent system of justice? Perhaps they have lied so many times that they believe their own lies to be the truth.

I don’t think this is the time to be discouraged. Things are beginning to move slowly in a more positive direction.

I recently watched a mini-series on Netflix called “Anatomy of a Scandal”. It really got me feeling some uncomfortable feelings.

If you have not seen “Anatomy of a Scandal”, here is a quote on something written by John DiLillo,

“Anatomy of a Scandal is pretty dark: It follows a prominent British politician whose marriage and career is threatened by a credible accusation of sexual assault. The show covers trauma, sexual harassment in the workplace and gendered double standards.“

I didn’t think I could sum it up better than that.

At the start of the series, we see a very happy well to do family. Then we find out that the husband had an affair with his assistant that lasted about six months…after which, he ended it, but the woman still had feelings for him. The man tells his wife about the affair, she forgives him and says everyone makes mistakes and all seems well enough as life goes on.

But then, a plot twist…the first of many. The assistant is now charging the husband and her ex-lover, with rape.

So, what is the first thing that we have been conditioned to think? A woman scorned, right?

What really struck me about this show is the realism. The relatability. We understand what went on in the mind of the victim. We get to understand what went on in the mind of the accused. We get to see the facts that the jury sees. And we get to experience the feelings of the wife as she sits at the trial of her husband and begins to fit pieces of a puzzle from their past together to come to her own conclusion.

The prosecuting attorney states that the accused and his assistant did indeed have sex in an elevator at work. This happened after he had broken off the affair. She willingly followed him onto the elevator. When he initiated a kiss, she willingly kissed him back. But then things changed. He became aggressive. There were bruises and torn clothes. She tried to push him away. She said no. He did not stop.

The victim took the stand and admitted that she loved the man. Admitted she had felt unhappy about the break-up. She admitted that when she followed him into the elevator and he kissed her, she had hopes that he had changed his mind and she was willing to resume their sexual relationship. But when he became forceful, she tried to push him away and told him, “Not here”. Instead, he bit her and ripped off her underwear and did not stop, all the while calling her a “prick tease”.

The man’s attorney stated that the two had sex in the building in which they worked before. Consensual sex. The attorney asked why all of a sudden was the woman shy about being caught? The attorney further stated that “Not here” did not mean “No”.

The man said that the woman lured him into the elevator. She had that look upon her face, he said. He said that she kissed him first and threw herself on him and that neither one of them said a word. He never heard her say anything. And he would certainly not use such language. If her underwear was ripped, he said, it was because she wore “an inadequate brand of underwear” and it must have happened in her haste to remove it. Furthermore, it was only a love bite, and he was not trying to hurt her. They knew each other well and he would never force himself on any woman.

The jury believes him, and he is set free. However, the verdict is particularly upsetting to the prosecuting attorney, who the wife feels looks a bit familiar. The wife goes to visit the attorney.

It turns out, in yet another twist, that they all used to go to college together. Back when the man and his wife were the beautiful people on campus and the lawyer was living her hippy style life with baggy clothes and unkempt hair and going by her maiden name. Of course, the big man on campus gets into some illegal stuff and upon running away from the cops in fear for his bright future, literally runs into our future lawyer, drunkly staggering home to her dorm after a party. Can you guess what happened?

Campus man aggressively makes out with future lawyer, she stops him and says she wants to leave, he pulls her back again and… pushes her against a wall, rips off her clothes, calls her a prick tease, then apologizes to her because he said he didn’t realize she was a virgin. Had he known that he would have taken a little more time.

He’s a charming guy.

Interesting thing, when the wife learns about this past rape and confronts her husband, he looks startled and shocked. Rape? No. I have never raped a woman. Sure, she seemed somewhat disappointed when I was done…figured that was because she was a virgin.

Now, I think the guy sincerely did not believe he had raped anyone. I think he felt entitled to whatever he wanted. Perhaps used to always getting what he wanted. Maybe he was used to women wanting him…I don’t know. But what struck me was his total inability to see beyond himself.

I know this was a fictional story based on a book, but it did have something important to say. The legal system looks at facts, but they do not have a psychological background. I think that many people abused as adults can relate to the thing that can screw you up emotionally and be used against you.

And that is…you can feel that you care about someone, you can feel that you love someone, you can feel that you were a part of, or allowed certain things to happen. But when your mind screamed “NO”, things changed, and you were not responsible for someone else’s behavior.

I think with my own story…I didn’t mind that we were friends or that he confided in me or flirted a bit with me…but the final couple of weeks where I felt painted into a corner…where I was told I had better get over my hesitation or else…things changed. But by that time, I felt that I had walked into the trap willingly. By the time I knew the truth, it was too late. And by then, I wasn’t sure what to do.

The same way the law has in some instances, may feel that if you were drinking, or if you went to someone’s apartment after a date, you wanted sex. And perhaps you did. And that can destroy you. Because you blame yourself then if someone becomes aggressive or does not respect your words if you say no, or your body language if you push them away, or you are raped because you passed out after drinking, or you feel threatened and coerced and forced.

But like the woman in the elevator in the tv show who became uncomfortable with what was happening and tried to put a stop to things by saying “Not here”…because she at that moment felt horrified that the elevator door would open or was horrified at the aggression in the man’s demeanor…we know that you can be raped by a partner, by a friend, a neighbor, a priest…and be less likely to be believed if it is someone you know or if you were with them willingly or if you had feelings for them.

And there are people who think they did nothing wrong and that their name should be cleared because they just cannot seem to grasp the hurt their actions or lack thereof, have caused others.

I hope you all had a very peaceful and tasty Thanksgiving if you celebrate the day. Our next Abused as Adults Meeting will be held Sunday December 4th. I have had a request to make the time earlier as those in other countries have to sleep. But I also have to run that decision/change by a couple of people. So, for now until you hear differently, the meeting will be from 4pm to 6pm EST on December 4th. Dorothy Small will be running the meeting.

Posted on in abuse, Co-dependent, Narcissists, predator, sexual predator, Trauma bond, trauma response

Send in the Clowns

Do you ever feel like you are stuck? Just existing? Just trying to hold it all together so you don’t come undone? Afraid or unsure if you should move or change anything and not really quite sure where to start if you did?

I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a juggling act for a while now. The thing is, we often find ourselves in the middle of the circus wondering how things got so crazy, and we don’t recall putting up the tent and sending in the clowns. And how could we know that we have done that when it all felt so familiar and so right? And how can we go anywhere now that someone has to keep the lions in their cages and make sure that those who choose the highwire act have a net in case they should fall, and someone has to pay for the popcorn….and without makeup, we can’t tell the clowns from those who aren’t clowns.

When we first open the door…and we all need to let people in…we may notice a few things that are off, perhaps a bit odd. But we sweep those thoughts away like sawdust on the floor under the big top. But why do we do that? Why do we push our instincts aside?

Denial, I think is one reason. Also, my therapist recently asked me…what would your mom have done in this situation? So, we have learned by example. Was this kind of abnormality normal when we were children? We are taught religion as children. Remember hearing about all of those martyrs? Remember that we are also learning these stories as children when we have no reference to what life is like outside of the classroom and home.

God is always watching. The flames of Hell are licking at your heels. There are many stories and messages we learn from the bible as children that don’t prepare us for a life of watching out for ourselves and how to go about loving ourselves. It is mentioned here and there, but as a child in religious class, I heard about a lot of deprivation, suffering, violence, poverty, forgiveness, and miracles that we were born too late to have experienced firsthand.

We grew up learning respect, which meant even when adults weren’t right, they were right…which meant that even if we were right, we were wrong. So, we learned to be quiet and to be told what to do, even if we did not agree. We learned to say we liked something even if we didn’t, so we would not hurt anyone’s feelings.

We may have grown up having to keep secrets to protect people we loved. We may have learned that there were things that we did not talk about outside of the house. We may have learned to adjust our own behavior or actions in order to not stand out or not feel we were going to make someone else’s behavior worse.

In other words, we may grow up without learning the skills to process and understand and accept our own thoughts and feelings unless they directly relate to someone else and what they have said or done. We may judge ourselves by what other people say about us.

We may always wonder if we are good enough. We may find ourselves wandering into our darker side and doing something our religion has taught us is wrong and weigh ourselves down with guilt and shame.

Or we may struggle at our attempts at becoming more assertive, having been taught to bury the truth to appease authority and so as not to be unkind.

And stepping out of our comfort zone can cause feelings of anxiety and a variety of lovely physical symptoms that go with the overstimulated nerves. Our bodies are affected by our thoughts. And we generally don’t like to feel uncomfortable. We tend to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. Like discussing feelings or speaking up instead of staying quiet because it causes less discomfort.

So, if we head back to the circus where we began, we see that we allowed people to come into our tent. Some people smiled as they entered and seemed friendly, and some people engaged with us right off the bat and wanted to help out and that felt good. Perhaps we are shy, or we find it difficult to connect with people. or we are lonely. Or perhaps we still have that empty spot inside that we are not quite sure unless someone else tells us, so we feel we need to attach to someone. We have a vulnerability which is not a bad thing. Unless, of course, we need validation in order to survive.

I don’t think any of us are ever really whole. And I believe that the more times we have been knocked down and have gotten ourselves up again does make us more resilient. More self-reliant emotionally. But we can still be susceptible to being wounded again by a predator.

Recently, my therapist pointed out that I have more power than I realize. She said that sometimes when we get angry, we push that anger inward and it becomes depression. And when depression settles in, we can go into “freeze mode”, as in, “fight, flight or freeze. And when we are in freeze mode, we may feel that we have no power or control over anything. That may be a stage where many of us got caught up in at one time or another.

Think about our “mirror image”, or the clown in the mirror for this post. We react to them. We may feel we need them. We may doubt our own beliefs and self-worth when they turn on the gas in the house lights.

Remember that they only have the power if you give it to them. Unfortunately, we need to hit a kind of our own rock bottom in order to see what is really going on. By then, the clowns have taken over the tent and we may feel overwhelmed and not know where to begin to assert our own power…which is…the power to say no. The power to respect your own needs.

You will be able to spot the Narcissist in the crowd. They will be the one who will throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want. They will have fits of rage. They will become the victim. They will blame you and want to turn others against you. They will threaten you.

But then they will apologize, or they will be helpful. And this will feel good and because you don’t want to poke the bear again, you hesitate to speak up, knowing it will only create more rage and threats and abuse.

And you’re not sure that it’s abuse. Because they will tell you that you are the one that caused the problem. And that will confuse you. And you will wonder if that is true. So, you are essentially being trained to do what this person wants you to do. But they will always point out that you had a choice. You’re not completely sure about that but you know that there was no physical violence, and you know that it’s easier just to give them what they want…which is essentially the entire point of training you and gaslighting you into submission.

There may also be a feeling that one or both of you may not survive without the other. They indeed will probably encourage this belief.

Our power is in moving forward no matter what. Seeing that the true person is the person in their rage when their entitlement is questioned. Our power comes in turning a deaf ear to the words they use to confuse. It’s hard to break through the fog of frozen depression to reach the heat of your own righteous anger.

Like I said, it usually has to come when we hit rock bottom. When their behavior affects someone we love or when it gets out of control and becomes physical abuse, or when we find our own inner strength to withstand the force of the storm coming towards us to stand our ground. And to not apologize for doing so. And no second guessing ourselves.

That is when the clowns will pile back inside the Volkswagen and you will have peace.

The next Zoom meeting for Abused as Adults will be held on the first Sunday in November….think that is the 6th…from 4pm to 6pm EST. Link will be sent out a day or so before the meeting.

Posted on in abuse

Guest Blog Number Eight

by Dorothy Small

I read a reflection yesterday about where we stumble is where we dig for treasure. It caused me to reflect on my own journey as I stumbled countless times along the road littered with potholes. I guess a way to look at it is I have been on a treasure hunt.

The author of the reflection talks about how we all have leprosy. In the Bible the leper was seen as being unclean. Untouchable. How many of us feel untouchable out of shame or guilt or even emotional and spiritual struggles?

Having struggled with complex ptsd and it’s symptoms certainly felt like leprosy. Like a curse. Like the woman hemorrhaging for twelve years in the Bible story was unclean and ashamed to do anything but touch the tassel of Christ’s cloak hoping to go unnoticed. No one could cure her. She sought doctors who could not stop the bleeding and lost money in her search for a cure. No one could help her.

Most of my life I kept standing at the bottom of a dry well screaming for water only getting a mouthful of dirt when the solution for me was to drink solely from Christ. Narcissists are like dry wells.

Where our weakness is that is where we dig for our treasure.  It was in my weaknesses that I felt driven to God not my pride. It’s my weakness that reminds me who I am before God. It’s in having to pour in knowledge, prayer and love into my weakness that I can be of help to others struggling with similar issues. It becomes the gift. Help ourselves and then be of help to another who is walking a similar road.

I pray not to be arrogant. The only time one should look down on another is when helping to pick them up.

It’s the very things I felt ashamed of and the absolute messiness that I believe God used when I stood up against the biggest giant yet, the church.

This weak and foolish thing, even a worm God used to place on the end of the hook on His fishing line casting me into the sea of difficult people thinking they got a bite of me but instead bit into God, would not have been as effective if I wasn’t such an emotional mess from enough trauma to take out the strongest of elephants in the herd. God knew what created the mess. God placed inside of me the compulsion to keep wiggling, to keep struggling to free myself from all I ever knew. The God who walked with me through countless “valleys of the shadow of death” as well as on the mountaintop moments of respite and higher perspective views before once again descending into the valley to battle more demons.

Every time I wanted to give up, I received soft inner words of encouragement telling me to persevere. Surrender. But don’t give up. Keep going the distance. Take heed, look up. Things won’t always be this way. Joy comes in the morning. And on and on…. The inner messages of consolation and encouragement became what I call breadcrumbs from heaven along the path to follow to show me I am being guided and seen. Heard. Listened to.

With the emotional wounds processed providing much needed relief I notice how much deeper scripture reaches inside of me. I pulled away from attending church while recovering for as long as it takes. However, I never pushed away from my relationship with God. I explored it outside any religious institution and discovered greater intimacy in myself through a connection with God outside church walls. Without the triggers of the church or priests I became closer to myself. I provided safety in order to heal from trauma so I could reach all the way into my childhood trauma. What happened with the priest had a ripple effect. I could not heal from what happened at the church without going all the way back excavating into my earliest childhood experiences.

I was digging for treasure, and I didn’t even know it. What did I find? Myself outside of anything or anyone but who I am through my God. I had to peel away layers upon layers of debris to reclaim myself. To individuate.

As I open up allowing love and kindness inside and more easily deflecting what isn’t love, or true I am being drawn closer to the center of love itself as it connects with me at my center. My core. My heart. My mind. The head and heart connection.

More shall be revealed….

It’s a journey that won’t be complete here in earth. But when asking to be like Christ, I feel that I can climb a bit higher each day toward infinity. I see no ceiling. No limit. I believe that as long as I keep looking up, God has the horizontal events unfolding according to His plan and not mine.

Posted on in abuse

Desiderata

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog. I’ve been busy with family things and a small additional foot surgery. I’m fine. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my mother as she was recovering from a leg ulcer that almost put her in the hospital and she had many, many follow up appointments. That, and her elderly dog had cancer surgery…he’s fine as well. Plus, birthdays and some necessary home plumbing issues.

So, things have been rather busy. But one day while at my mom’s I was reading the letters column in her newspaper. And I happened to read something that I thought you all may find heartening.

Legally, things in this area as far as prosecuting priests has been held up by the diocese not releasing records of the accused priests. This prompted a member of the congregation, a cradle Catholic and church-going bishop-appreciating, non-clergy victim, to speak out against the church publicly. This is not right, she said. If you have nothing to hide, then release your records. And if there is something to the accusations, then punish the bad priests. What is wrong with you people?

Or words to that effect. In any case, this person brought to light that the congregation sees what is going on. And the congregation is getting sick of the church not handling things in an open and direct manner. That is encouraging. Because this is causing non-survivors to question things and to begin to step away from a church it feels no longer can be trusted.

They don’t make it easy, though. It’s not easy, any of it. It’s so tempting to curl up into a ball under the covers with your remote in your hand and a bag of chips or an entire chocolate cake…or whatever it is you reach for when you realize once again that your half empty glass is not going to refill itself.

Today, I’d like to talk about how we are affected by situations and the other people in our lives. And more importantly, how we handle those triggers.

I think we have all had people in our lives who have not liked us, and we don’t know why. I used to work with a woman who had to walk through my office to get to her office and she would walk in with lunch that she had ordered for everyone…everyone but me…and then she would call people…who had to walk through my office…to come and get their lunch. I mentioned to her that I would be interested in ordering lunch too, and she kind of acknowledged that…and then did the same thing the next day.

It can make things awkward when people use group tactics to isolate a person to get their feelings across. It is particularly difficult when you have to be in contact with that person through family or at work. It can also bring out feelings buried inside. We may feel exposed and vulnerable. Someone has found out that we’re not as good as we thought we were pretending to be. Or we may feel angry and not quite sure how to go about expressing that feeling for fear of making things worse for yourself. Or if you are like me, you are non-confrontational and don’t ask uncomfortable questions.

Or perhaps you have felt rejected by someone. That never feels good. Or you write something, and someone gives you only one star and you begin to wonder if what you are doing makes a difference to anyone. Because that little voice has been nestled there inside of your brain for ages just waiting for a chance to speak up.

There are always flip sides, remember. For every time you have felt rejected or bullied by someone, there is someone who appreciates you and who you are.

For instance, my ex-husband used to tell me that I was “too nice”. That was meant as an insult. On the other hand, one of my co-workers told me that I was one of the nicest people she had ever met. Both people were saying the same thing, but it was meant differently.

At work, I had been praised by a supervisor for defusing a difficult situation with a patient, told by another person that I was kind and sensitive when I was covering for the patient rep, had another boss tell me I was a diplomat when working with people….and then had another boss tell me the same thing as an insult. And yet another supervisor said I was a bleeding heart.

My point is that as humans, and as sensitive humans, we tend to care what people think about us. It feels so good to get a compliment, and so bad to be insulted. But the thing is, we are still the same person. It is the other person who is seeing what they choose to see in us. I’ve read that what we think we know about someone is only a tiny bit of who they are. And that someone who knew you when you were 16 does not really know the person you are now at whatever age you may happen to be and whatever experiences you have gone through that have changed you.

This doesn’t mean that we can’t learn anything new about ourselves from the feedback we get from other people. But just as hurtful words and actions from others can make us feel bad, so can hurtful thoughts and beliefs within ourselves about ourselves do the same.

I was thinking recently…what if we flipped our own script? We may be so used to believing we deserve the bad comments or treatment because we see all of our own imperfections. What if we say to ourselves…so what if I am not perfect? So, what if the best I can do is not as good as what someone else can do? This is me, and I am good enough.

I’m thinking….and serious about this…that in addition to a gratitude book…we also start writing a self-love book. And write in that book every time you do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Or every compliment you receive from someone. And read that shit. Often. Love starts from within.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my mom lately, as I said. And I realize that like most people in this world, she has some issues. Of course, as her kid, her issues were taken as my issues because as kids we don’t understand that parents aren’t perfect. And my mom…fluctuates as to what it is she wants. So, this has always made it very difficult to please her. And punishments were arbitrary. So, if I did something, I’d find out it was wrong after the fact, and I was told that something good was going to happen if I hadn’t done what I had done but not any more. That was so not fair. And confusing.

When I was married, she constantly criticized everything, which made me feel like I was in between my mother and my husband. Then when I left my husband…well, then and now, he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Also confusing. It can be very difficult to not please those with squeaky wheels, but sometimes it’s more difficult when you do live your life carrying the oil can around with you for everyone else.

When I was younger, I used to take Karate classes. One of the things you learn in Karate is how to ground yourself so that your opponent cannot easily knock you off balance. Grounding and balance are used in many energy practices for a good reason. Think of yourself feeling strong and connected to the Earth. You belong and are a part of creation. Think of the energy in your solar plexus…the core of your being…your strength. Think of your connection to a higher power…whatever that may be to you. Visualize and calm your own energy. Let other people own their own energy and not topple yours out from under you.

An inspirational book I have been reading by our own Dorothy Small, is called “From Darkness into the Light”. Dorothy has a gift for expressing her thoughts and in this book of personal poetry, she credits her higher power for helping her through some of life’s tough times.

I don’t try to tell anyone what to believe or what they may find works for them. Some people have held onto their religious beliefs. Some people have changed their religion. Some people have gotten upset with me for even mentioning anything other than what they have been taught. I feel that whatever best gets you through your life and whatever life throws at you, is something that works for you. Might not work for someone else. But that is what makes us unique.

And we are all unique. You are a child of the universe, and you have a right to be here.

Posted on in abuse

Somebody That I Used To Know

This past week, I received something from SNAP leader David Clohessy from “Into Account” which seems to be a decent place for survivors to share stories of abuse. I will include one of those stories and a clip from the survivors of one abuser named in the article.

Also, I want to talk about some emails I received this week and how I answered them. I received an email from someone who said they sought help from SNAP and received nothing. This person…and many people like him, want action. They don’t want to talk about what happened to them or be in a support group. They want to do more, and they want more done about the crimes that have been and are being committed by the Catholic Church.

I get that. I once had someone ask me to join them in a protest outside the diocese…with the stipulation that we refuse all food to call attention to what is going on.

The thing is, we all handle abuse and healing in different ways, and we are all at different stages of healing. We also have different comfort levels in what we are willing to do or to be seen.

What I told this person who emailed me is…once again, we are basically a non-profit peer support group. Volunteers and fellow survivors lead our group meetings. But more importantly, just because you don’t find an answer where you go looking for one, does not mean you have failed. It just means you may need to look for another path. Or perhaps you need to begin a new path with other like-minded people. New ideas are born from people who hit walls and don’t give up.

Also, in other emails, I want to say that we all have our triggers. We are all individuals. Personally, I cannot listen to Howard Stern. I don’t dislike the man personally, but I cannot listen to his show or the way he talks without having uncomfortable flashbacks of someone asking me personal questions for their own boundary crossing enjoyment. We are all human beings who are sensitive to stimuli that trigger memories both good and bad.

As someone who has led support groups, I can say that like anything else, I try to be fair to everyone, but there are limits and rulings to be made. Some of these limits and rulings come from gut feelings. In fact, most of them do. Each meeting is different depending on who is there. And as we talk and email with people and lead meetings, we begin to tune into people’s vibes. And we try to keep the meetings to be a place where people feel they can talk freely without being peppered with questions or told to keep quiet. In other words, a safe place for survivors.

I have myself refused to get back to people if they have become abusive to me. I have suggested to people that perhaps they find another group if they appear not to be on the same page…such as someone who is not there to listen or to share or to heal but rather to harass or control or go off on tangents that have nothing to do with the group.

Because as leaders, we are responsible for the flow of the group as much as that is possible. That doesn’t mean we don’t run into all kinds of people and issues because it is a constantly changing and bumpy road with all kinds of raw emotion and pain.

People may not like me. They may not agree with me. And that is okay. But I also feel that there is respectful disagreement and then there is disagreement which in itself can become disruptive to the group. When it reaches that point, I feel that feelings can get toxic and be detrimental the group itself. That is all I will say.

Also, this week, I was going through some old papers and journals. One of the things I found was a letter I had written to the priest on his birthday. I never gave it to him, and I am glad I did not.

I just want to say that it is okay to love someone. It is okay to have feelings. I know so many people over the years who have had some kind of buddy crush on a priest. I’m not saying that to be disrespectful. Priests are supposed to be safe. I knew a girl in grade school who used to pal around with the priest. She even gave him a nick name. She did the same thing to one of the priests in high school. She called the priest Radar and treated him like he was her buddy.

It happens that old Radar has been defrocked for sexual abuse and he used to be our vice principal, but I don’t know if this girl was abused or if she just felt he was safe to joke around with. I have no idea.

I have said that we used to have priests and nuns at our dinner table and in our pool when I was young. I felt particularly close to one seminarian who came to dinner and brought me a small gift and carried my guitar to practice for me one day. I felt honored to be noticed as just a kid. To not be invisible. But sometimes they cross that line. That didn’t happen to me…until I got older.

But as I’ve said before, we trust that as soon as we walk into a church, we are safe. Completely. Our secrets are safe. Our pocketbooks are safe. Our bodies and our souls are safe and sacred.

So, when that line gets crossed and things get twisted, it is okay that we felt honored to be noticed, or attracted to power, or safe to feel vulnerable, or flirtatious within a safe boundary. It’s okay to wonder what is going on. It’s okay to ask. You are not/were not stupid. To love or to care is not to be stupid. But we do need to learn to take care of ourselves and not give ourselves away completely to others. That is nothing to be ashamed of either. But we need to be aware that we have this…empathy…that attracts people who should not be given our trust.

I ended up tearing up the letter and throwing it away. It is not something I need to hang onto anymore. It is not something I want to hang onto. I don’t even want its energy around me or in the house. It’s gone forever now. Perhaps I should have burned it.

No…perhaps it would be healing to write a letter to our abuser. Or to anyone that we are angry with or any situation over which we have no control…write a letter and then rip it up and burn it and let it go. Symbolically.

I also ran across a journal from when I was married and dealing with what appeared to be quite a lot at the time. I had pages of writing and “what to do with this situation” kinds of things going on. I looked it over and it exhausted me to read it. I think I made the right choice to get away from all of that.

Does not mean I got away from myself. But am still learning. And growing. As are we all. Please see links below for more about intoaccount.org.

https://intoaccount.org/2022/07/29/youre-not-ready-the-controlling-deception-of-david-haas/

Posted on in abuse

Halfway ‘Round the World

Some people may wonder why we share personal stories about our lives here in this blog instead of focusing mainly on the problem of priests and what to do about them and what is being done about them.

My feeling is that we who have been abused at the age of 18 and older share some similarities in our stories and our lives. I’ve heard it said, and I believe it to be true…that it is not the abuser who should get credit for our survival and for our finding our way out of the darkness into perhaps a better existence, but it is us ourselves who discovered our own strength when we needed to find a way to get up and go on…alone.

But while there had been patterns of abuse and co-dependency and fears and feelings of inadequacy throughout my own life, nothing quite put up the “STOP” sign quite like running across an evil and narcissistic priest. Because in order to begin to heal, I had to begin to also look at what made me a more attractive target.

That kind of dysfunction does not just happen, and it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And the reason we want to learn what made us an attractive target is not so we can blame ourselves, but so that we can understand ourselves better so that we can begin to separate the facts from the personal persecution. So, we can then begin to let go of the self-blame and even the hatred towards those who abused us and begin to heal.

Notice I did not say “forgive” those who abused us. I am talking about lessening the intense emotions going on inside us…we don’t have to fix or forgive anyone. Besides, forgiving a Narcissist is only inflicting further harm upon us. There is a difference between becoming more aware of how things happened so we can distance ourselves and find peace…and looking for more trouble by having anything to do with someone who is set on destroying you. We do not have to make nice or be responsible for anyone else’s healing.

Today we can talk a little bit about boundaries and how we probably don’t have any and why that is and what we can do about it. It’s not easy.

First of all, we may know by now that when we start to set boundaries, we are going to have resistance. And we are also probably going to lose people from our lives.

And that is exactly why it is so hard to have boundaries. Because we care. We are like puppy dogs bouncing along into the junkyard wanting to hand out bones and make friends with all of the other strays.

And let me just say here…I grew up in a puppy mill. When my mother’s family got together, it was a contest to see who could give everyone else the most stuff to bring home. “You take it” “No, you need that” “No, you will enjoy that later, you take it”.

And it seemed to be a genetic thing. I was told that my grandmother would hand out sandwiches to people who came to the door asking for food during the Depression. And I mean…sandwiches. Not by today’s standards. Piled high, nobody leaves here hungry sandwiches. Probably pie too. And my grandfather would be insulted if you didn’t take home half of the table and the silverware.

To this day, anything I give my mother, she gives back to me saying I can use it more than she can. And as a kid, you can view this as a form of rejection. I’m sure I did. Now I see it as my mom’s own kind of mom craziness and love because that is what she knows obviously. But that’s another story for another day.

Thing is, we learn this behavior somehow. Whether it be, like it my mom’s family…it makes people happy if you give away more than you can afford to give. Or as we see at work, at home, or in friendships or romantic relationships, people switch up behavior depending upon who needs to be pleased at any given moment. Many times, what we may be witnessing is people trying to placate a Narcissist at the expense of others.

While it’s best to avoid Narcissistic rage, the way to do so is to go no-contact with the person…and that is the only boundary that is going to work. If it is a romantic relationship or if there is a child in the middle of things, I feel it is best to have a lawyer take care of matters so that you have as little contact with the other person as necessary.

If that no-contact boundary is breached, you can find yourself sliding that slippery slope back in to be used as needed and discarded when they are done with you. Over and over again.

Someone told me recently that I have a bad judge of character when it comes to people. I don’t know if that is the case or if it is more about having a short memory and needing to be liked and to have a connection. The needing to please thing again. I think it is also easier in the short run to use a go-to pattern. If pleasing people worked in the past, we’ve learned to use that system. It can be difficult to try to consciously go against the grain at first until it becomes second nature.

My life has felt like a minefield in many ways. I find myself taking care of people who probably should be taking care of themselves more. And so, when I give, what I get back is a sense of entitlement and what feels very much like betrayal.

I recently sold a house I owned to my son. It worked well for both of us. I sold it to him for half of what I owed on it because I wanted to give him the best break I could while for me, I would still owe money, but I would owe half of what I did owe with a loan instead of a mortgage and I would no longer be responsible for repairs and taxes and such.

My son being who he is, would probably describe the situation differently than I. I felt emotional during the closing. I felt that it was a big day in both of our lives. I had asked my son if he wanted to go out with me afterwards for dinner. He said he had to work.

Tension was very high in the conference room where the closing took place, and I don’t think my son ever made eye contact with me. He was on his phone to work. He did, however, give me the finger at one point. He did. He then told me that anything that was mine that was still in the house was going to get tossed into a dumpster. I asked him could I come over to see what I had there. He said no. You haven’t needed it in 7 years. It’s junk.

When we were done, he left the room quickly to get back to work, without acknowledging me at all. I told him congratulations and that I loved him. He ignored me and walked out.

My lawyer hugged me.

Now they say we teach others how to treat us. That sounds exhausting. I just want to live in a world where if I am kind to you, you are kind to me. But none of us live in that world.

I know my son, obviously. I have known him for years, obviously. I know that if asked why he acted that way, he would have a reason. Work is stressful. You pissed me off. Your lawyer is incompetent, and he was late.

I’m not going to change my son. I don’t feel like telling someone how to treat me at this point. But I probably won’t make him my health proxy. I did, however, find myself falling into a trap of my own making.

After the closing, I was thinking perhaps somewhere down the road, I could buy an RV. That way I could always bring the dogs with me on vacation, and they would be in a familiar spot and not freak out when I am gone. And I could pack it up and go away for the weekend and not worry about hotels and things like that. Just a thought.

But then I thought…what if my kids want to borrow it? I would love to share something like that with them. I would love to see them happy. But I can’t. Because I have to be the one who is responsible for who I give to and how much I give.

Boundaries are not so much about what other people do to us. They are to be set in order to not allow someone else to do something to us again and again. They are about not expecting different behaviors from someone after their behavior has hurt us. And it’s about not giving more and more to someone and expecting them to suddenly act differently towards us.

I have found also that when I do give too much, thinking that it is out of the goodness of my heart, people do begin to expect you to continue to do so. So, when you begin to pull back and put your own needs first…like I needed to do when going through my divorce…it can be seen as not being nice. And because we want to be nice and we want people to like us, it can feel devastating to feel that you are losing people and sometimes more importantly…losing people’s approval of you. But sometimes we need to remember that the people we have lost were part of our dysfunctional past. In order for them to remain in your life, you would have to not change and just keep accepting bad treatment.

The thing is, the pain is usually inevitable, and the loss is usually already there. We tend to stretch things out and prolong things so that we put of letting go for as long as possible.

Someone recently reminded me to re-read “Co-dependent No More” which I need to do. Something recommended for anyone suffering from a lack of power in their life due to feeling surrounded by people and situations they feel the need to fix.

You know, I do believe that emotions tend to go inward or outward or sideways. But I think they go somewhere. If someone were to ask me how I handle less than loveable people in my life, I think I’d have to say that there was a numbness to it…because you grow used to it. That’s just the way that person is. Where I often find it to affect me is with totally unrelated people. Emotions happen in a situation, and you cannot explain why. Like someone is nice to you and you back away in fear of being hurt.

One book I found on Amazon that looks pretty interesting is “Boundaries: Where You End & I Begin…How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries”.

Families and people who you see the most often are probably the hardest to set boundaries with. But perhaps they are the first you need to practice with. That is the first step to boundary setting. Practice.

Okay, practice. Well, back up a second…I lied. The first step is to see a therapist. Because we can’t practice what we don’t know how to do or where to start.

Okay, so you now have seen a therapist and you know what you are doing. You have a roadmap to go by. That is a GPS for younger people. We used to use roadmaps. So, what are we going to practice? Saying the word, “No”. No. Hard to say? That is why our lives are in the shape they are in. No.

When do you want to say this word? Well, you want to recognize that your needs are important. It’s starting to get harder now. We actually have to identify our needs. Needs. Hmmn. What are some of those? I looked this up and the term “needs” seems a bit vague.

No abusive behavior; No being used or taken for granted; No letting anyone control your emotions or dictate your actions; No disrespect or making you feel inferior; No spending time with people who don’t respect your boundaries; No doing anything that is uncomfortable or violates values; No one else determines your happiness; No allowing yourself to have lingering negative thoughts or feelings; No being a doormat or pushover; No being an afterthought to anyone else; No one else makes decisions for you.

Well, wow. Now that we have seen the list of where boundaries need to be placed, know that you are allowed to only do family functions that feel doable. That’s right. You can stay home on Thanksgiving and not feel guilty if your family bullies you.

Also, be firm and kind. Ha-ha. I mean, I agree. I just remember coming home from the hospital with a new baby and having night number one at home with the new baby and a two-year-old and what a huge adjustment that was. And having to explain, firmly and kindly to my mother-in-law that I would be coming home on Friday and that I would prefer not to have any visitors until Sunday. But that anyone who wanted to come on Sunday was welcome That did not go over well.

Boundaries do not always make you popular.

Be direct. Be assertive. Be consistent. Be firm and kind. Remember, you are in charge. Nobody can make you feel or do anything you don’t want to feel or do. That’s a lot of words assuming that we’ve already got this.

Hence, the need for therapy. You are going to need back up on the road to reinvention.