Category: trust

Posted on in abuse, Church too, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Narcissists, Priests, sexual predator, Spiritual Growth, Trauma bond, trust

Walk This Way

Well, to start with, I have to say that I’ve noticed how many times I automatically say “I’m sorry”. But at least I am starting to become aware of the habit that I’ve learned…yes, learned…in my life. Many of us have been taught to be polite and to basically apologize for everything so as not to offend.

But this blog today is about what we unconsciously do that may attract bullies and predators.

What I found most interesting in my research is that dangerous criminals…Ted Bundy being one of them…when asked what stands out to them the most when it comes to picking a target/victim is…the way that they walk.

Predators are experts at body language. They specifically look for that person who shuffles their feet when they walk. And hesitancy. Someone who walks too slowly or to quickly…as if they are in a world of their own and not paying attention to what is around them…or someone who seems ill at ease with being outside in the world and moves like a nervous gazelle. They also look for awkwardness of movement. That is the number one body language cue that tells people that you are vulnerable and will not put up a fight.

Another cue that gives away insecurity is body posture. Do you tend to hunch over like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders? Do you clutch your pocketbook or knapsack or whatever tightly to yourself? Do you tend to look down at the ground instead of the people and things around you? These too can emit an aura of insecurity.

So can social awkwardness and being a wallflower. Avoiding eye contact can also signal a weakness of confidence.

So, what is recommended besides becoming more aware of how you appear to others? (which in itself is a nightmare to people who tend to be shy or socially phobic)

Well, there are the obvious things like watching your nervous habits. Don’t twist your hair, bite your nails, or tap your fingers.

Also, try to walk briskly but not too fast. Pay attention to your surroundings. Stand up straight. And if you want to sit and look confident, the best way to do that is to stretch your arms out in front of you, put one ankle over your other knee, and place your hands on your legs in front of you in an open style. (obviously not if you are wearing a dress or skirt) If wearing a dress or skirt, it is best to cross your ankles and put your hands on your thighs.

Another thing to consider is how fit you are. With men, the broader the shoulders, the less likely they are to be victimized. No matter who you are, or what shape you are in, if you can lift weights to gain strength in your arms, do it. Take a martial arts class if you can. Join Toastmasters to learn how to speak in front of people. Well, those are suggestions that I read anyway.

My feeling is that some of these things may be out of reach for some people. But like everything else, just become more aware of the need to stretch your confidence. When you learn new skills or take new chances, you can like yourself a bit better. And that can show up unconsciously in the way you move and act.

When I tell some people that I am shy or quiet, I am surprised when they laugh and say “no, you’re not”. But it has taken work on my part.

There are many times in our lives when things change, and we have to go forward even though we are afraid. When I got separated and then divorced, I lost pretty much all of our shared friends. Being co-dependent, I pretty much had a social life with my husband and not so much by myself. But that began to change.

I took classes, worked two jobs, took square-dancing lessons, volunteered at the suicide hotline, joined a bowling league (and I suck at bowling) joined a paranormal group, started inviting people to my house, went to Chi Gong, joined a bookclub, started dating…I just kept doing even when it was uncomfortable. And it helped. But I still work on it all the time.

Joining SNAP opened up my world even more. I flew across the country by myself. Introduced a key speaker. Ran a live support group for those abused as adults, and then got literally dragged into another room to stand at a podium and tell my story to a group of strangers. Oh, also, I drove to and from D.C.

There was a time I would never have thought I could do any of those things by myself. Also, maybe most importantly, I can talk about what happened without feeling ashamed. That took time. And reading. And talking to other people.

But these things are possible. Maybe not without therapy or meds…but possible.

Oh, and the relationships I’ve had? I saw the warning signs, but I didn’t listen to my gut. In my defense, I don’t really know what a normal relationship is, so having someone try to completely change who I was, and withholding things, I felt that there are just things you accept as long as they are a nice person. Until the bar got higher and they decided that withholding sex was the way to go to get me to move in with them. I walked away. Because the bar will always get higher.

Another warning sign I ignored with a nice guy? He never had money to pay for anything. I knew that would never change so I chose to walk away. But not until after I had paid for everything he had wanted to get his daughter for Christmas.

It can be hard to see the warning signs…and even harder to listen to them. But here are some signs that you might want to watch out for to keep yourself out of danger.

If someone rubs their nose when they talk to you, they may not be telling you the truth. Same as if they can’t look you in the eyes or if they don’t use many hand gestures.

Signs that you may be in physical danger include, unwelcome touching of yourself or your stuff, foot stomping, narrowing of the eyes, jutting out of the chin with tightened lips, licking of teeth with or without the mouth open, tense or lowered eyebrows, sneering, looking through you, quick darting glances, clenched hands, hands in the pockets, uneven breathing, dilated pupils, staring at you…and one that was not in the stuff I read but that happened to me with the priest…blocking your exit. It was a threatening gesture that was meant to intimidate.

Other signs to look out for, of course, with a person who appears really nice is. like I mentioned, trying to change who you are or implying that you are not what they want so you need to change, trying to manipulate you or guilt trip you, being dishonest, needing you to cater to someone else in their life, disrespecting your needs…especially if you have stated what you need, being sexually selfish or not respecting your comfort level sexually, using you, trying to get a commitment right away, giving you things or doing things for you with strings attached, monitoring where you are going, accusing you of things, etc.

And I did say “nice person”, didn’t I? Because that too can be confusing. When someone who is nice begins to exhibit questionable behavior, it can be confusing. I tend to make excuses for people. Do you find yourself doing that? Not listening to your gut and telling yourself that what someone is doing is because of this or that and not because the situation is not good for you and you need to walk away?

That can be difficult to do. Because your brain may tell you one thing and your heart may tell you that you are leaving your best friend. The love of your life. Because the nice person and the things they can start to do just don’t add up or make sense. And if you have no solid basis for what healthy looks like…you may doubt yourself.

We will talk more about that next time. Until then, remember not to let fear stop you from stepping out of your comfort zone, but as you step out, listen to your gut for anything that doesn’t seem right. Be patient with yourself because we are all in a continuous state of learning.

Also, if you are victimized, it is not your fault. But we can learn ways to help protect ourselves.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Co-dependent, Narcissists, Priests, Trauma bond, trust

Lying Eyes

https://www.npr.org/2022/11/19/1137962421/albany-bishop-asks-pope-remove-priesthood

I am including an article from NPR regarding former Albany Bishop Howard Hubbard, who not only was accused of the sexual abuse of minors, but also of covering up abuse in the Albany Diocese of which he had knowledge. He is now retired but is asking the Pope to remove him from the priesthood.

I don’t really know what this means for him legally. Bishop Hubbard says that he hopes, and he prays that one day before he dies, he will see his name cleared of all of these false allegations. To me that shows how out of touch he is with the situation.

He allowed the abuse to continue. He picked a side. He distanced himself from the abuse and the pain of those abused. Words don’t matter. He is responsible for the actions he took and failed to take when he was in charge.

He is not the sacrificial lamb. He covered up the crimes of his brothers (and sisters) and kept silent.

The recognition of the part bishops have played in covering up abuse is beginning to come under scrutiny a bit more these days. That is a good thing, because they surely know what is going on.

But is part of the reason they do not speak up because they too are afraid? About twenty years ago, there was a priest who tried to speak up about what was going on. Not so much about the abuse, but about how Bishop Hubbard was allowing homosexuality within the priesthood. Perhaps it wasn’t recognized as abuse at that time.

The priest was forced to sign a retraction and the next day, that priest was found dead. A victim, they say, of suicide. The thing I question now, is that about a week or so before that happened, that priest said a mass for another young man who had also committed suicide. I knew and worked with both of these people. Not closely, but we worked at a V.A. Hospital, where everyone knew everyone somehow or knew of someone…and nobody saw anything amiss with these two people before they died.

It makes me wonder now if the two deaths weren’t somehow connected. Had the young man who died a week or so before the hospital priest been a victim of sexual abuse in the past? Is it possible that one or both of them were victims of foul play?

Is it possible that those who live behind the church walls are coerced and threatened into silence as many of its victims are? Or are they just so adjusted to the order of things that they have a bent system of justice? Perhaps they have lied so many times that they believe their own lies to be the truth.

I don’t think this is the time to be discouraged. Things are beginning to move slowly in a more positive direction.

I recently watched a mini-series on Netflix called “Anatomy of a Scandal”. It really got me feeling some uncomfortable feelings.

If you have not seen “Anatomy of a Scandal”, here is a quote on something written by John DiLillo,

“Anatomy of a Scandal is pretty dark: It follows a prominent British politician whose marriage and career is threatened by a credible accusation of sexual assault. The show covers trauma, sexual harassment in the workplace and gendered double standards.“

I didn’t think I could sum it up better than that.

At the start of the series, we see a very happy well to do family. Then we find out that the husband had an affair with his assistant that lasted about six months…after which, he ended it, but the woman still had feelings for him. The man tells his wife about the affair, she forgives him and says everyone makes mistakes and all seems well enough as life goes on.

But then, a plot twist…the first of many. The assistant is now charging the husband and her ex-lover, with rape.

So, what is the first thing that we have been conditioned to think? A woman scorned, right?

What really struck me about this show is the realism. The relatability. We understand what went on in the mind of the victim. We get to understand what went on in the mind of the accused. We get to see the facts that the jury sees. And we get to experience the feelings of the wife as she sits at the trial of her husband and begins to fit pieces of a puzzle from their past together to come to her own conclusion.

The prosecuting attorney states that the accused and his assistant did indeed have sex in an elevator at work. This happened after he had broken off the affair. She willingly followed him onto the elevator. When he initiated a kiss, she willingly kissed him back. But then things changed. He became aggressive. There were bruises and torn clothes. She tried to push him away. She said no. He did not stop.

The victim took the stand and admitted that she loved the man. Admitted she had felt unhappy about the break-up. She admitted that when she followed him into the elevator and he kissed her, she had hopes that he had changed his mind and she was willing to resume their sexual relationship. But when he became forceful, she tried to push him away and told him, “Not here”. Instead, he bit her and ripped off her underwear and did not stop, all the while calling her a “prick tease”.

The man’s attorney stated that the two had sex in the building in which they worked before. Consensual sex. The attorney asked why all of a sudden was the woman shy about being caught? The attorney further stated that “Not here” did not mean “No”.

The man said that the woman lured him into the elevator. She had that look upon her face, he said. He said that she kissed him first and threw herself on him and that neither one of them said a word. He never heard her say anything. And he would certainly not use such language. If her underwear was ripped, he said, it was because she wore “an inadequate brand of underwear” and it must have happened in her haste to remove it. Furthermore, it was only a love bite, and he was not trying to hurt her. They knew each other well and he would never force himself on any woman.

The jury believes him, and he is set free. However, the verdict is particularly upsetting to the prosecuting attorney, who the wife feels looks a bit familiar. The wife goes to visit the attorney.

It turns out, in yet another twist, that they all used to go to college together. Back when the man and his wife were the beautiful people on campus and the lawyer was living her hippy style life with baggy clothes and unkempt hair and going by her maiden name. Of course, the big man on campus gets into some illegal stuff and upon running away from the cops in fear for his bright future, literally runs into our future lawyer, drunkly staggering home to her dorm after a party. Can you guess what happened?

Campus man aggressively makes out with future lawyer, she stops him and says she wants to leave, he pulls her back again and… pushes her against a wall, rips off her clothes, calls her a prick tease, then apologizes to her because he said he didn’t realize she was a virgin. Had he known that he would have taken a little more time.

He’s a charming guy.

Interesting thing, when the wife learns about this past rape and confronts her husband, he looks startled and shocked. Rape? No. I have never raped a woman. Sure, she seemed somewhat disappointed when I was done…figured that was because she was a virgin.

Now, I think the guy sincerely did not believe he had raped anyone. I think he felt entitled to whatever he wanted. Perhaps used to always getting what he wanted. Maybe he was used to women wanting him…I don’t know. But what struck me was his total inability to see beyond himself.

I know this was a fictional story based on a book, but it did have something important to say. The legal system looks at facts, but they do not have a psychological background. I think that many people abused as adults can relate to the thing that can screw you up emotionally and be used against you.

And that is…you can feel that you care about someone, you can feel that you love someone, you can feel that you were a part of, or allowed certain things to happen. But when your mind screamed “NO”, things changed, and you were not responsible for someone else’s behavior.

I think with my own story…I didn’t mind that we were friends or that he confided in me or flirted a bit with me…but the final couple of weeks where I felt painted into a corner…where I was told I had better get over my hesitation or else…things changed. But by that time, I felt that I had walked into the trap willingly. By the time I knew the truth, it was too late. And by then, I wasn’t sure what to do.

The same way the law has in some instances, may feel that if you were drinking, or if you went to someone’s apartment after a date, you wanted sex. And perhaps you did. And that can destroy you. Because you blame yourself then if someone becomes aggressive or does not respect your words if you say no, or your body language if you push them away, or you are raped because you passed out after drinking, or you feel threatened and coerced and forced.

But like the woman in the elevator in the tv show who became uncomfortable with what was happening and tried to put a stop to things by saying “Not here”…because she at that moment felt horrified that the elevator door would open or was horrified at the aggression in the man’s demeanor…we know that you can be raped by a partner, by a friend, a neighbor, a priest…and be less likely to be believed if it is someone you know or if you were with them willingly or if you had feelings for them.

And there are people who think they did nothing wrong and that their name should be cleared because they just cannot seem to grasp the hurt their actions or lack thereof, have caused others.

I hope you all had a very peaceful and tasty Thanksgiving if you celebrate the day. Our next Abused as Adults Meeting will be held Sunday December 4th. I have had a request to make the time earlier as those in other countries have to sleep. But I also have to run that decision/change by a couple of people. So, for now until you hear differently, the meeting will be from 4pm to 6pm EST on December 4th. Dorothy Small will be running the meeting.

Posted on in abuse, Co-dependent, Narcissists, Priests, Trauma bond, trauma response, trust

Hello, In There

Thank you to the person who told me that he reads my blog each week. And a shout out to the least represented, but still important, readers in the bottom five most active countries: Zambia, Russia, Tanzania, Czech Republic, and Ecuador.

This week, we had some discussion about Narcissists and anger and victim blaming and triggers, as well as trauma bonding, self-hatred, gaslighting, forgiveness, fear of having others not believe us, boundaries, and close personal loss.

Firstly, we are all somewhat Narcissistic. We all have egos to protect. And even the most giving of people, rarely give until it hurts…willingly. We have self-preservation. Except for family, who we may not always like, but who we probably love unconditionally, who tend to love those who give us something back. We are drawn to people who make us feel good in one way or another. Whether they cook for us, laugh at our jokes, compliment us, flirt with us, comfort us, listen to us, make us feel special to them, take care of us physically or financially, smile or give us positive feedback, praise us, pay us, thank us, or give us likes and upvotes, we like people who like us and who make us feel good or feel good about ourselves.

But what are we getting out of abusive relationships? What are the “rewards” of staying in a relationship that does not appear to be good for us?

From my own experience, and from hearing others speak about their relationships or victimization in Narcissistic partnerships, fear plays a big role. The reward is giving up oneself in order to have something the other person is offering in exchange for us not feeling fear.

Let me explain. I allowed my ex-husband to do whatever he wanted without confrontation in exchange for not having him threaten to leave and telling me what I already felt inside…that I could not survive without him. I was unable to take care of our kids by myself. I could not take care of the house by myself. Nobody else in the world was ever going to want me as a partner. I believed him. And I was terrified. And it was not just me who would be punished but our children as well. It may not seem like much of a reward, but at the time, it was. I knew it was not right, but changing things meant that I had to change, and that concept did not feel as solid as the life that I knew, good or bad. By “solid”, I mean, what is known. What is real to a person.

Many victims of abuse find themselves stuck in a situation where they feel they have no power. Why? When I look back now, I know that my husband was repeating back to me what I already felt. Not just how I felt about myself, but how I felt about the reality of marriage. I was reliving what I knew…what I had grown up to believe. As was he. He and I were the only ones of our siblings who did not have a problem with alcohol. But that did not mean that we did not have a problem.

Many people who have had dysfunctional role models seek to be rewarded by attempting to help, or to fix, or to understand what it was they could not when they were children. And Narcissists? I don’t claim to understand them. But I know that they look for people with a need. They swoop in like a moth to a flame. And for those people who knew dysfunction or abuse when they were young, meeting the Narcissist can feel like they have finally found the one person who gets them.

A relationship with a Narcissist has been compared to being hooked on Heroin. I don’t know what Heroin is like, but from what I understand, it is so fantastic that once someone has tried it, they get hooked because they are looking for that feeling they got the first time they used it. When someone who has lived in the shadows on the outside of other people because they feel they don’t fit in or they are not worthy for some reason, has someone “find” them, and insist that they are worthy…when someone who is supposed to be trusted smiles kindly and shares their own vulnerability…leading the other person into what feels like the light…they get that other person hooked. And that person who is now hooked, does not want to lose that feeling.

Gaslighting…I never knew how common a thing that was. Gaslighting is like taking a trip down the rabbit hole. It’s like…you really want things to be good between you and someone who likes you and makes you feel good, but something seems off and the ground does not feel solid under your feet.

For me, I remember the day I asked the priest if I could talk with him. I was so nervous, but I couldn’t stand the tension in the office. Talking to a priest about sex feels like asking your parents to describe what goes on in their bedroom. It feels wrong. It feels incestuous. So, I asked my boss what it was he wanted from me. I asked him if he was implying that he wanted to see me outside of the office.

He looked at me. And I think we all know that look. A bit smug. But careful. Always careful not to trip up. “You are making me feel so uncomfortable right now,” is what he said.

I felt like throwing up. I apologized profusely. I felt lower than dirt. What I did not know is that I was being gaslighted. He wanted me to be confused. He wanted me to feel unsteady. He wanted the upper hand in the situation. He didn’t want me to ask questions. He didn’t want me to trust my instincts.

Not only was he gaslighting me by denying what he was doing and making me feel like I was crazy, but he was also establishing trauma bonds with me…whereby I was being abused by him, but I felt sympathy for him.

If this seems like insanity, it is. What is even more insane is that not only can the Narcissist make you feel like everything is your fault, but they can and will convince the people around you of the same thing. We call that victim blaming. And when you’ve been a victim enough in your life with the people you have trusted, you get angry, and you stop trusting. But at the core of the betrayal is the feeling that you somehow deserve it. Self-hate.

We often discuss forgiveness. What a burden to put on a victim. Sorry, not sorry. My belief is that forgiveness for the person who wronged you should be for your own good. For instance, if you are obsessing about hurting that person or getting even with them, I think it is best to let that go. One person said that they hoped their abuser got an STD or became impotent. Some anger is healthy. Being able to turn obsessive vengeful thoughts into a wish for something uncomfortable and unlucky for the universe to bequeath upon a person turns it over to fate and gets it off of yourself. Can even make you laugh instead of cry.

My belief, though, is to focus on learning about what happened to you and why it happened to you to the point where you understand, and you begin to use that understanding in your own life. Living well is the best revenge, they say. Read, learn, educate yourself. Learn to love your imperfect self.

And that brings me to…having other people not believe you. I understand. I’m at the point where I believe I was abused. I was sexually harassed by a sick man. So, telling my story is easier now than it used to be. The shame has lessened somewhat, and it does not matter as much as it did as to whether or not other people believe the story that I tell. But that doesn’t mean that I’m ready to go shouting it to the world. Because there is still a stigma attached to being a victim of a sexual crime. There really is.

I called a law firm this past week about going for a civil suit and compensation. But in order to move ahead, I need to be ready to be “that woman”. That woman who may be judged for any decision I’ve ever made. That woman who, by just making this public will never be looked at in the same way. Labels. Slut. Prude. Shame. We don’t talk about this stuff.

Boundaries. What are the fears that prevent you from maintaining your boundaries? And I’m not talking about being rigid here. But I am talking about being manipulated because you are afraid of not being loved or of being alone. But what is the alternative? Being used, having your vulnerabilities used against you, being told that you are unable to do anything for yourself and that you need someone else, being guilt-tripped into giving someone else what they want? Be aware. Just be aware. And fight for your boundaries. It may feel like you are being a horrible person. The manipulator or Narcissist will tell you that you are being horrible to them. You are mean. You are abusive. But you are not. Maintaining polite boundaries will prevent abuse because there will be more honesty and less resentment.

None of this is easy. It takes a lot of bravery to begin to change yourself. Life can be scary and unpredictable, and nobody wants to be alone or unloved.

This past week, another friend was lost too soon. It’s so hard when someone you care about passes away. They take the memories you shared with them. But it also reminds us that there is good in the world, although it hurts that much more when the good is gone.

Just a reminder that our next Abused as Adults meeting will be held on the first Sunday of August from 4pm to 6pm EST. Have a good week, everyone.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, Church too, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Narcissists, Priests, sexual predator, Trauma bond, trauma response, trust

Helpless

I read something this week about a woman who says she was raped by her husband on their wedding night. She was a virgin and was saving herself for marriage. However, on the day of her wedding, she was sick. She was actually running a fever, and it was all she could do to get through the day. That night, all she wanted to do was get out of her gown and sleep. She explained to her husband that she was not feeling well, and wanted to put off their first sexual encounter until she was feeling better.

Instead, he told her that he had waited long enough and that she was now his wife, and that sex was an expected part of marriage. So, he flipped her onto her back, got on top of her, and had sex with his sick wife who begged, “please, no”. She went on to say that sex within the marriage never got any better after that night. It was always expected, and it was never pleasurable for her. Her husband criticized her sexual performance and basically everything about her as a woman. And she believed that it was all her fault.

Eventually he left her for another woman. It was at that point, after he left, that she began to see how she had been abused.

This story probably sounds familiar to many people. We probably also felt that something was off but that it was our fault. We were there. We were making out. Maybe drinking. Maybe without prior consent, someone just decided that they were going to have sex with you, so they did.

Or maybe you felt obligated to keep a partner happy because if you didn’t, your life would not be very pleasant, so you just had sex to keep from being made to feel like a horrible human being, or because not having sex meant sending someone into a rage against you and you had children and needed to keep things happy for everyone.

Except for yourself.

The woman in the story who was sick on her wedding night and asked her new husband if they could please wait until the next day when she felt better, was forced to have sex against her will by an abusive partner. He felt impatient and entitled and his needs were all that mattered. He forced her to have sex. That is marital rape.

I knew a woman who was in an abusive relationship. She was abused in every way possible. Her daughter told someone that her stepfather had raped her mother. I was not there, so I assume that for the daughter to say that she was raped, it probably happened after he pushed her around a bit and there was most likely an escalation of anger that was witnessed beforehand. I knew both the woman and her husband well enough to have heard stories that he was not such a great guy. He was psychologically abusive to the teenage daughter as well. I heard about how he would go into the laundry and take out soiled underwear when the girl had her period and hang them out on the line with the intent to embarrass her.

When someone is in an abusive relationship, they may realize that things aren’t how they should be, but they may fall into a pattern of learned helplessness. Learned helplessness happens in trauma bonding. It can happen when one partner has more financial power or more physical power or is able to psychologically intimidate and manipulate someone.

It can happen when life is unsteady and when the emotional climate can change suddenly, depending upon the mental state of the person who needs to have control. Children can develop this emotional state if they are raised in a situation where they are made to feel inept or never good enough, or if they witness abuse in the family.

When someone feels that things are hopeless or that there is nothing they have the power to change in their situation, or that they lack the tools to better their life, they can be experiencing a sense of learned helplessness. They have learned that they have no power and no voice and no choice in life. They end up learning to please others to keep life in balance.

It is said that feeling this way is one of the main reasons for depression. I think that is understandable.

The woman who I once knew who was in the abusive relationship ended up leaving…or perhaps she was forced to leave…a house she owned, leaving her child behind. By this time, she was already drinking heavily. She had no job and no way of supporting herself. At one point, she ended up living with someone in an apartment above a bar.

Could she have turned her life around? People in worse situations than her have done so. But she had learned that she was worthless and now she was very vulnerable. Family would not take her in because of her drinking. She saw no way out. She lived that way for years until she ended up in the hospital and at that time, did end up giving up the bottle and reconciling with family because she needed to stay with family in order to recuperate.

These psychological issues which can affect, and even ruin lives are often seen as the fault of the person who needs the most help. When these things happen within a relationship with a Narcissist, there is a double whammy. Support systems are cut off. Lies are told about the victim. Money can be cut off. The victim is blamed by those who believe the Narcissist’s charm and twisted version of the truth.

It’s a dark road of self-blame and depression with the whole world seemingly all too willing to mirror the disgust the victim sees in themself.

But this is something that many of us already know all too well. Because we have lived through it, in our lives and in the one place we thought we were safe…our church. And then when we go to seek help, we can’t find it. Because we were caught in something that we didn’t see at the time. So, we did stupid things. We cared. We made excuses for the person. We didn’t report what was going on. We let it continue. We knew that it was in our best interest to keep quiet.

But it wasn’t love that we felt for our Narcissistic abuser. And I call them that because it’s true. Our abuser felt they were entitled to abuse us. They were above the law. They felt smarter than us. They knew how to play the game so that they could make us lick their boots and have us thinking it was our idea. They could make everyone think that it was our idea. They could hold our jobs, our reputation, our feeling of safety, and our need for love, approval and belonging over our heads. They could terrorize us into behaving how they wanted us to behave. They could withhold their approval, or work benefits, or a status we enjoyed within the church community. They held the power. We learned helplessness because we had no power.

But, like some instances of rape, it can be hard to prove abuse legally sometimes when the victim appeared to have willingly participated in the crime. Or if they defended their abuser. Or if they continued to be in contact with the abuser. Or if they married their abuser.

And having to go through the humiliation of telling a legal person what you went through, only to have them tell you that you don’t have a case and that the person is going to get away with what they did…that can rip open the wound all over again as if it just happened to you.

Know that this does happen. Have a trusted friend help you through the legal process or help you get out of an abusive situation. And if you are alone with nowhere to turn, call a suicide hotline or other support hotline in your area for help. You don’t have to be actively suicidal to call the suicide hotline. If you are depressed, it can help greatly to talk to someone who will just listen. And it’s free. Or join a SNAP support group.

One of the most important things you can gain from reaching out for help is learning that having your soul trampled on by someone who does not have a soul, is not your fault. No matter how much abuse you put up with or how many “stupid” things you did and mistakes that you made because you couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

The next Abused as Adults on-line meeting will be held the first Sunday of July from 4pm to 6pm EST.

Be good to yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself first and foremost. And have a great week.

Posted on in abuse, Heal, Narcissists, Spiritual Growth, Trauma bond, trauma response, trust

Victim of Love

Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all. These holidays can bring about love and memories and the pain of loss or what may have been…or what never was. It’s a difficult day for sure for anyone who has lost their mom or for a mom who has lost a child. And it can magnify the relationship with your mom ten-fold on such a day.

My brother gave our mom a box of chocolates and a box of chocolate covered strawberries for Mother’s Day. He gave those to her on Friday. I was over there on Sunday. “Where is the chocolate?” I asked. “Gone,” she told me.

Gone? May or may not have been the truth. My mother watches my weight so she may have hidden stuff. But she told me that she went through the box of candy piece by piece and opened each one to see what was inside, eating the ones she wanted and tossing the rest…which I guess was most of the box. And, knowing my mom, she removed the chocolate off of the strawberries. She offered me some plain strawberries in a bowl.

I got my mom a heated back massager because she loves the heated seats in my car and said they felt so good after working in the yard. She tried it but said it was too rough…after all, she has no fat on her back…the implication was clear. It went back in the box. She will be giving it to my brother. I already have one. My back being fat enough to take it.

At this point in our lives, my mom makes me laugh. She told me a story about how as a teen, she was smoking in her room and her mother opened the door…the room full of smoke…and when asked if she had been smoking, she denied it. That made me laugh and feel closer to her. I still hide how much soda I drink, or I will sneak a cookie when I am around her. And she still keeps shoving fruit in my face when I am sitting at her table, but at this point, she has grown tired, and I have been able to step back and appreciate the amazing person that she is. As she has gotten older, there are things I have begun to help her with a bit more and our roles have begun to change a bit.

Perhaps one of the reasons I have been able to emotionally distance myself as far as getting annoyed with my mother is because she is getting older, and I know that our time together is growing shorter. Perhaps part of it has to do with the whole world around us is changing and I want to hold onto the past for as long as possible. Perhaps it is because as I am getting older, I realize how precious unconditional love is, and how rare. But perhaps, also, as I have gotten older and have gone through tough times like a rock through a tumbler, I have come out the other end a bit stronger and more self-reliant.

Yes, I am still reading the same book. I don’t know how many weeks this is right now. But it has long chapters and there is a lot of info to digest. The author, Mark Manson, writes something so eloquent in his book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck”, that I would like to share it here, in its entirety. It basically describes what he calls, “the yin and yang of any toxic relationship”.

“Entitled people who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they constantly paint themselves as victims, eventually someone will come along and save them, and they will receive the love they’ve always wanted.”

He goes on to say, ” Entitled people who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they “fix” their partner and save him or her, they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.”

Wow.

I do see myself in those descriptions. However, there was a time when I would not have seen it so clearly. When we are young, or still very attached to someone else like our parents, or a spouse who perhaps we have married at a very young age, before we have had the time to know who we are on our own, it is so easy to feel that we are the victim. And perhaps in some cases we are. Many times, we may be the victim, in fact. But oftentimes, those who are abused, feel connected to their abuser. As if they are one.

He hit me but I didn’t shut up when he warned me to. If I leave, I will be alone. Nobody else will want me. I’m terrified. I don’t know how to cook, drive, balance my own checkbook, I have no friends of my own, I’ll have to go back to work, I have to do their laundry/dishes, etc. because their place is a mess, and they shouldn’t be living like that…

Anytime and in any situation where you feel you need to save someone or fix someone, or you feel the need to be saved from a situation by someone (which puts you in a position of vulnerability), there is a bit of co-dependency. In fact, what we are saying when we feel the need to nurture a grown person in such a way that becomes unhealthy to both people, is that we aren’t going to let that person take responsibility for themselves. We are also saying that we are not going to have a life other than taking care of that other person.

Why do we do this? Probably because we have learned where we fit in as far as what we were valued for when we were young. There are those who are in some way irresponsible, and there are those who must take up the slack and be the responsible ones so that life goes on smoothly. We witness this in the relationships of the adults that we know and love. In some way we may know that it isn’t the way the rest of the world operates, but we know our place and we know “our people”. We recognize the other piece of our puzzle when we meet them. We connect ourselves to them but then we blame them for either not appreciating us, or not changing their ways and fixing themselves.

We are a complicated people. We surely are that.

One of the things that seems unfair to me and that has bugged me throughout the years is that I’ve tried. I’ve really tried so hard. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve done all the work for my entire family and then some. I’ve left relationships that didn’t work out or seemed unhealthy. I made sure my son got a DNA test on a baby born when he was in high school. I’ve been to court for custody and harassment and eviction and child support. I’ve lived on my own for many years. I’ve made friends with neighbors who have helped me out. I’ve made new friends on my own. Travelled on my own. Hired lawyers and real estate brokers and repair people. Worked two jobs. Called the police for drug dealers and homeless people living in a vacant house next door and for loud parties held by college students. I sat with someone who was overdosing while the neighbors called for an ambulance. I have worked at being independent. I have worked at making myself stronger.

And I thought at the end of all of this, at some point, there would be a reward. What reward, you ask? Well, to receive the love and appreciation that I’ve always wanted, I answer. Are we sensing a pattern here?

I still want the codependent’s dream. Just to stop trying so hard. Just to love and to be loved. And yet, the traumas I have gone through make me fearful of just being me with someone else just being themselves. Nobody saving anybody or having to offer anybody anything other than me. How can I possibly do that when I don’t know how?

Recently, as I have mentioned, my mother has needed more help with things, and I’m coming face to face with signs that are telling me that somewhere up ahead everything is just going to come to a complete halt, and I will have to process that. And I feel like there is this emotional exchange that should be going on between us. We do say “I love you” and we keep in touch daily and I go over to see her a couple of times a week. But I feel like there is a tsunami of emotions behind a brick wall. I function stoically and remind her to keep her doors locked and drive her places and make sure her finances are safe and sound.

And I wonder why I feel like I am detaching from the mother ship and turning off switches and locking down hatches and shutting down emotions. And I wonder sometimes if I will know when it is the last time we will speak. Does anyone ever?

But as I wonder what is wrong with me and why I feel so very flat emotionally, I realize that is how I was raised. Emotion comes out as control in our family. As in “I love you so I will tell you what I think is best for you.” There is never anyone saying things like, “Honey, I love you so much. I will miss you when you are gone.”

Come to think of it, what I just described was expressing emotion openly. Emotion has to come out in some way. Good or bad, emotion is either going to tear us up inside physically or emotionally or come out when someone finally snaps and does something violent, or it can become a phobia, or an obsessive-compulsive behavior, or it can be thrown into work or alcohol or something, but emotions have to go someplace. And behaviors are learned.

Perhaps codependency is one of those ways we learn to channel feelings. We can’t say how we feel and still feel safe doing so. But if we try to fix things or we take care of people, maybe they will love us or not go away.

I should really read more about codependency. But it may take awhile. I still have to finish this book I’m reading. Have a good week.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, Canon Law, Church too, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Narcissists, Narcissists, predator, Priests, sexual predator, Spiritual Growth, Trauma bond, trauma response, trust

I Made it Through the Rain

I read something last week that said that if life was happy all of the time without any problems, we really wouldn’t be as happy as we think. True happiness, it is said, comes from solving problems. And problems are a constant in life.

Unhappiness arises from not doing anything. To let fear hold you back. To get caught up with issues you cannot control. I think we all know too well the sources of unhappiness.

The thing I hear so often from people is something to the extent that they are limited in what they can do about something because of someone else.

To once again use my mom as an example…she used to complain that my father never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. That and he never wanted to have company. Oh, the friends and relatives they could have over if only my father was okay with it. But he was so difficult, see.

Then my dad passed away. At the age of 80, my mother had two men who wanted to date her. I really liked one of them. But the first guy was seeing someone else and didn’t want to get serious. She didn’t want someone seeing someone else. The other guy wanted to get serious. He seemed like a nice guy. He had known my father. She found fault with him. It kind of just ended when he found someone else. She did continue to go to the gym or see friends for lunch. But she has little interest in travel or having get togethers She actually became less active after my dad passed away. I’m thinking she just needed a distraction from the marriage more than anything else. So, in reality, it wasn’t really my father, but my mother’s need to get out and get away from him and have a life separate from him. It was about what she needed at that time. When he was gone, she became more content as she grew comfortable being alone.

My point is, sometimes we point the finger at other people when we are afraid to look at the real issues inside of ourselves. And we are never really sure about what we need as long as we keep seeing only what we aren’t getting from someone else and putting that expectation to complete you onto them.

I only wish solving problems was as easy as this article made it seem. Wouldn’t that be great? I don’t want to smoke anymore. Bam. First try. Done. I don’t like my job, my spouse, my apartment, my weight, my drinking, etc. Done. So simple. I think the message here though, is we all have to start somewhere. And maybe the first step is to recognize there is a problem.

I was having another boundary conversation this week with my therapist and some of us know that boundaries can be difficult to maintain. Holding them up can feel like it’s killing us at times, and that may be because it is.

I’m a compulsive list maker. It doesn’t mean I’m a compulsive doer. I just feel more orderly if I see what I need to do written out. Then I can begin to procrastinate. I’m like that in life a bit, too. When something becomes uncomfortable and a border is crossed, say…when my son’s girlfriend used to dump dishes still loaded with food into my sink and then fill up the sink with water so that it became a gross cold stew of garbage…I first asked her nicely to please clean the dishes off first. Didn’t work.

The list…the precursor to the ultimatum. I got tired of asking her nicely over and over again to please not do the same things. She did not listen. I made a list of house expectations, so I didn’t have to keep nagging. No help. Why? Because unless it is painful for someone, nothing is going to change. I could have told her to clean out the sink. But have you ever known someone to make things worse, so you just do it yourself? Right. Plumbing issue? She didn’t work. Money would come out of my son’s pocket. And he would have given until he had nothing left in order to take care of her.

But that is another issue. My feeling has always been that if you aren’t getting respect by speaking softly, then you need to make sure you follow up. If you have to keep repeating yourself, you may want to rethink the situation. Work. Home. Wherever. It also means…if someone will not do something for you out of respect, but will only do it for their own good, asking them nicely is not a big enough boundary. And yet it should be. But also, like dealing with children, speaking softly and firmly may not be enough if they feel they can push back and get away with it without repercussion.

There has to be some kind of firm follow through, so they know you mean it. And, in this case with my son’s girlfriend, the right and only way to go about doing that would be to say…here are the rules, I won’t nag you about them, but I expect you to follow them, or you will need to leave.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and I allowed this situation to go on far too long, so I didn’t solve the problem right away…instead I complained about her behavior in frustration.

When I was talking to my therapist about this relationship, she asked me why I wanted to keep my son’s girlfriend around. Here’s the thing. It would be painful for me to get rid of her. Isn’t that ironic? But true. Because another truth? We tend to repeat mistakes that we don’t work on changing.

Why would I allow someone to live with me when they did not keep a job, stole my pain meds after surgery, almost killed my two puppies because she was careless about leaving meds and stuff around, was obviously not good for my son, was manipulative, ordered stuff in my name, lied, and caused drama?

Guilt for one. I felt it was my fault that he ended up with her because I had to choose between him, and his father and they fought all the time, and he took off and blamed me and things weren’t good for him, and I felt like I had let him down. He was 18 at the time but when I ended up leaving his father eventually, it was so good to have my son back and be able to help. So, I put up with whatever to do so. And he wanted to take care of her. Plus, she was fun to hang out with. If you didn’t work and could be a kid at 28…yes, she was older than my son and had two children she left living with other people…and people paid for your lunch or your drink…you’d be fun too. And going through eviction and having to wait for her to leave and having to live with her…painful again.

So, the point here is not poor me…although that is how we are raised…how I was raised…to honor the martyr. So many of us got that message, I think. But my point is…and Buddha didn’t say this one…paraphrasing…when we are so busy looking at the dandruff on someone’s shoulder that we don’t even notice the bird poop on our own head. Said I was paraphrasing. I don’t worry about God getting upset.

Again, what are the patterns within us that allow us to ignore red flags and accept behavior that pushes past our boundaries and allows people to kick us in the teeth? Because I have a pattern. And it comes back to bite me. Often.

I was also reading about some relationship red flags to look out for that I will share. 1. Do you always initiate contact? 2. Is there a sense of weirdness about them doing anything for you? Like they have to be asked or they make excuses or back out of things? 3. When a person won’t give you clear answers, they are setting you up deliberately to misunderstand using hints or suggestions. 4. Is there a lot of drama involved? 5. Do your needs matter, or do you have to go out of your way to meet their needs? 6. Are there extreme mood swings? 7. Are they jealous if you say something nice about someone else? 8. Are they moving too fast (needy) or too slow and sporadically (may not be into you). Thank you, Quora for this.

Another good read suggestion this week and one that I receive weekly in my inbox is CoDA weekly. It features short stories or letters from people recovering from Co-dependency. They take submissions from people. To subscribe, go to https://codependents.org/cgi:bin/dada/mail.cgi/list/connections/

So, right now, I am reading, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” A Counterintuitive approach to living a good life by Mark Manson.

One of the things the author discusses in this book is the insanity of romantic love. He gives a run down on the story of Romeo and Juliet which is so totally romantic, right? He says that Shakespeare never meant it to be taken as a romantic play. It was supposed to show how idiotic love can be. Not until recently was romantic love given as much importance as we see today. Mr. Manson states that kind of foolishness was tossed out of young people’s heads, and they were steered toward wise choices…who could support them and give them children? Who had the most sheep or farmland?

I can’t say that I think that is the best way to pick a mate, but I can see romance becoming different in the future. Totally computerized. You get your match…sight unseen. Married at first site. Then like with a driver’s license, at the end of seven years or thereabouts, you get to choose to stay or leave. If nobody can stand living with you, you will be sent an A.I. companion to help you out in your old age and to keep you company. No expectations and no other choices. Make it work. Arranged marriage.

That’s not the only subject he talks about. But the book is very popular. I bought it for my son…who didn’t read it.

So, to review this week, pay attention to what triggers you. Everything. Not just about obvious trauma. I want to know…well, I want you to look at…where you are not putting yourself first and why. I want you to look at things that kind of bother you that you are glossing over because of the big picture.

Are you getting compliments, companionship, security, and a feeling of safety, in exchange for living life in a prison of your own making? How are you stopping yourself from solving your own problems? Are you getting in your own way? Do you really know what it is you want or what you need? Are you just afraid of change? Do you fear being alone?

Another very important reminder that I read today…don’t look for love from other people. What you will find is another empty soul looking for what you can offer them. They cannot fill the emptiness within you. Nor can you do that for them. Most people have needs to be met and are looking for the person who can best meet them. That even goes for…and sometimes especially goes for…those to whom you are the closest. Your family, friends, and loved ones. If you find that you are always complaining about a situation, it may be time for you to ask yourself why you are not taking steps to change things if you are able.

I’m not suggesting building walls around your heart or not accepting people’s faults, but rather to watch how you feel around someone or if you have to accommodate too much or you are around them for what may seem the right reason for them but is ultimately not the right reason for you. Become more aware of your own intuition. Trust it. Have a great week.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Co-dependent, predator, Spiritual Growth, trust

In My Head

I wanted to add to something I had said about faith. That is, I don’t know that anyone has all the answers, but we are taught from a young age what the answers are, and what we need to do in order to please our higher power once we pass away, but, in reality, it seems as if we are taught what it is that we need to do and believe in order to please our friends and our family.

Religion is very much about belonging to a group. And if someone can find the comfort and guidance they need for their life by being a part of that group, then that works for them. If you are not sure what is right and you are looking for answers, there are more than enough people who are willing to share “the truth” with you.

For instance, you may have heard the theory that Mary was not visited by an angel, but rather an alien being who used artificial insemination in order to ensure her pregnancy. And that Jesus was indeed a good man who was able to perform miracles simply because people at the time did not understand the knowledge He possessed. I have also heard it said that Jesus did not die and rise again, but rather was healed of His wounds by medical advances that are advanced to us even in this day and time. And that the ascension was not necessarily back to Heaven as back to another planet.

But what is truth to one person, may seem like blasphemy to someone else. My feeling is that belief is personal and what makes sense to someone and brings them peace and the ability to handle life, is what they need to go with.

And yet, as much as I respect others to have their own opinion and beliefs, I still get triggered and riled up and feel the need to stifle an “Are you nuts?”

I have been especially sensitive to trusting people and hearing how nice someone is because of their outward appearance or their occupation or social status. My mom and I can get into a disagreement very easily…like we did this past week.

For years, my family had a family lawyer. He was the family lawyer because he was my dad’s age and my dad’s cousin had lived with the family and was basically their nanny. They were a very wealthy and prominent family in our town. So, this man took care of all of the family’s legal needs…until he passed away in 1995.

It was then that his son took over. His son was about 40 when his father passed, and like his dad before him, he was a partner in the law firm. My dad did not have the connection with him that he had with the father, but it became a generational thing, and I had no reason to question anything. So, nobody questioned him.

I did not question anything when my father passed away and this man seemed to spend a lot of unnecessary time with my mother, sending her a huge bill for services for basically transferring her own money from my father to her.

Long story short, he is now disbarred and in jail for stealing from clients.

My mother is concerned for his well-being. You read that right. My mom wanted to be sure that he is in the good jail for people who didn’t murder anyone. She was appalled at the thought of him actually being behind bars. And…she made excuses for him. He was weak. He was used to having money growing up rich like he did and even though his salary was almost a half a million dollars a year, it wasn’t enough for the things he wanted and that was…understandable. Right?

This type of thinking makes steam come out of my ears. He did hurt people. He took money from people who needed it and didn’t give it to them when they were dying or needed access for things they actually needed. He most likely padded my mother’s bill. I don’t know. He could have called her ten times a day to chat and charged her each time. She would have thought nothing of it.

Does this sound familiar? My mom said that he was such a nice man…”a true gentleman”. He shouldn’t be in jail.

Again, a person in a powerful position over others took advantage of that and was sorry that he got caught. Yes, we are all human. But my mom didn’t want to hear that maybe, just maybe, this lawyer was not as good of a person as she thought he was.

She had a preconceived perception of him in her head and anything that didn’t jive with that image had to have an explanation. We have all seen that happen before when we just can’t believe, or maybe we don’t want to believe, that someone isn’t who we thought they were.

This is why I don’t think it’s a great idea to feel the need to forgive. I think we need to have a firm grip on the reality of a situation and feel strong enough to accept the truth without emotional fallout to ourselves before we can release. To forgive someone when you only have half of the picture can be misleading.

How many times have we projected our own thoughts and intentions onto someone else in order to make them more human in our minds, or to understand them better and what it is they have done?

They were lonely. They were confused. They were desperate. We try to put ourselves into their shoes and ask ourselves what would make us do such a thing? They didn’t really mean to hurt anyone. They aren’t bad people because they hold a high place in society. They know good people. They have done good work. They have helped others. They are educated. They don’t look scary. They didn’t have a weapon. They were good to me.

I’m not morally better than anyone else. I have done stupid things in my life that I am not proud of. Mostly before I turned 18. And I claim stupidity, never knowingly setting out to hurt anyone and not caring about it. There is a difference. A line that gets crossed. Boundaries that get pushed. And when that happens, it is never “okay”. And it needs to be stopped, not forgiven. Not excused. Not allowed to continue.

Power needs to be held accountable so it can then be trusted, not automatically given trust because they hold the power.

Because for every person in power who abuses their position, there are far too many people who enable them. It’s a sickness that runs in families and into congregations and belief systems in society. And it can get really exhausting holding up boundaries and trying to figure out everyone’s motives. Don’t get me started on the trying to please everyone.

The thing is, I have no power to convince anyone else of the things that I believe. I worry about people being vulnerable to unscrupulous people. But I’ve been told that worry is a form of control. A need to have things under our control. All I can say is that I have learned to start by forgiving myself. And I try to follow that up by the knowledge that my father gave me when he said, “People are not against you, people are just for themselves.”. In other words, don’t blindly trust anyone. Don’t make excuses for bad behavior. Doesn’t mean you slap someone back, just means you recognize that friends don’t hurt you. You walk away from people who keep hurting you, no matter what reason you think they have for doing it in order to justify not walking away, or firing them as your lawyer if that be the case.

I’ll end with a kind of a funny story. It’s about my poor mother who I write about because she is a large influence in my life. I was at her house one day last week and I was looking over the knick knacks she has collected over the years in her China cabinet. Tucked in the far left corner was something I had never noticed before. It was a very old pill bottle. I asked her what it was. My mom has been known to hang onto medicine for years. She didn’t know. So, she reached in and took it out. I saw something move inside the plastic bottle. Looked like rolled up paper. Um, no…couldn’t be what I thought it was. But it was. She opened the screw on top and out came…what was most likely a very very old…marijuana joint.

I was shocked. Where did she get that? She said she had it for years…she found it laying around in my brother’s room. How long ago had he lived there? Maybe temporarily about 20 years ago. But then she surprised me even further. “What side are you supposed to light?” she wanted to know. Um…either one, I said.

I don’t know if my mom will ever light up the joint, but if she does, I hope she does it when I’m there with her. I’d love to see that. Have a great week!

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Priests, Spiritual Growth, trust

Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough

I had so many things in my head to talk about this week and now I can’t think of a single one.

I guess I could start off with something I ran across in a meeting. When we do our Zoom meetings, I think it is great that people add comments. The only comment I want to comment on is…..my feeling is that it is best not to put contact information out there for everyone during a meeting. Unless, that is, you are a member of SNAP. Otherwise, be cautious about sharing personal information or asking people to contact you, or for that matter, contacting people who you don’t know or have not met personally even if they sound like wonderful people…..or sharing personal information with them if they are not SNAP leaders.

Just saying….as always, please use caution. And I also ask that it is not done during one of my meetings as I am not vouching for anyone’s character by allowing them into the meeting. I do screen but that does not mean I do background checks.

As you know, most of us are healing…if not from priest abuse, then from something in our lives. I think we have to give ourselves credit for how far we have come. Sometimes I talk to people, and it reminds me of those priests of old who would beat themselves in order to be worthy. Like, I said something good about myself so I must now compensate by taking a cane to the kneecap to even things out.

Well, we were raised that way, were we not? Weren’t we taught to die for Jesus and that the meek would inherit the Earth and that we should honor the martyrs? I swear that I felt I could not like myself or anything about myself unless someone else gave me permission to do so.

I don’t feel that beating yourself up every time you have a human feeling helps you to heal. And I am not saying that concept is an easy thing to grasp. I think that there is so very much we need to unlearn. I see myself move forward and then I feel as stuck as I ever was.

I heard the words this week that so many of us fear the most. “I am getting older, and I am so afraid that I will grow old and die alone without ever being loved.”

And that hit me in the gut. Because underneath every other fear, that is the fear that sits at the bottom of the others…pushing the rest to the surface. I don’t want to die alone.

I read a couple of articles about the subject this week. With Thanksgiving, I read about someone who was dreading spending the day by themselves. Someone else had a wonderful answer to that.

Hey…no arguments at the dinner table. No hurt feelings if someone is not invited. No spending all day cooking for people…some of whom you may not really like. Break out your best China and candles. Make a pork roast in your microwave instead of a turkey? Why not? Treat yourself to the nicest, most delicious meal and listen to the music you like and watch what you want to on TV.

Another was a question to someone as to how it felt to be old and alone. The person said that they were over 90 years old, and they went out every day and saw people at the store or the hairdresser and had dinner at their son’s house once a week, and that they did what they wanted to and cherished their alone time. They said they would rather live alone in their small apartment than in a larger community setting.

I think we tend to confuse being alone with being unhappy. Or being older and being unhappy. We are more than likely going to die alone when we go. Perhaps we just hope that there is someone left to care about that when the time comes.

I had an aunt who passed away not very long ago. So many people at her house worrying about her will while she lay alone in her hospital bed. All of these people were around as long as she had money a big house and jewelry to be passed out or cruises to take. I did not see one of those people by her side while she lay dying and supposedly “out of it”.

I was there with her in her final hours. So was my cousin who moistened her dry lips. My mother came to see her to say good-bye. My friend was with me. We talked to her about her life and the people we knew and at one point, she was able to acknowledge that we loved her. We finally left her around 1:30 in the morning with the intent to return in a few hours, but she ended up passing away, alone a couple of hours later.

So, when it comes down to it, what does “dying alone” really mean? To be fair, my aunt was never alone while she was alive. She lived in her house with a nurse who came over 12 hours a day and a housecleaner and a relative who ended up moving in with her. But nobody thought about being at the hospital with her in her final hours because it was probably thought that she wouldn’t know the difference. Or some people can’t handle hospitals and death.

It is said that we don’t die alone anyway because someone from the other side comes to help us transition.

But maybe that is not really what we are afraid of. Maybe it’s not the dying part that gets us. Maybe it is the living part that hurts the most. Growing older and living alone.

Yes, maybe that’s what it really is. I get it. Seriously. When we are older, we are no longer considered physically beautiful. We aren’t as firm or as thin as we once were. We may develop illnesses. We may need assistance. We may start to become invisible to people who would rather not have to see us.

What happens if we start to love ourselves but nobody else is around to care? That is truly terrifying. And all too real.

Well, the thing is, we just don’t know, do we? We don’t know what is going to happen. Ever.

There is one thing I do believe, though. We really can’t focus on that fear. Because we don’t know. Because the future is a myth. A big wide-open concept that does not truly exist. Life only happens a day at a time. One day at a time. Those are such beautiful words to live by. Where have I heard them before?

I do believe in living today like we are going to live to be very old. That is, taking care of yourself as best as you can. Take care of yourself like you will live to be 100 but be prepared to die tomorrow. I’m telling myself that, you see. I just bought myself a book called “I’m Dead, Now What?” so I can fill it out for my family in case something unexpected does happen. But I am also trying to drink more water and eat less carbs (I said trying, not always succeeding) and there was a discussion at tonight’s meeting about “Trauma Informed, Gentle/Restorative Yoga” that I want to look into. I also meditate.

Another thing that I feel may be helpful is this….if you are afraid of being alone (not talking romantically or not involved with a partner) as you get older, start now to get involved with groups and friends. Well, Covid doesn’t help unfortunately…..but take walks, visit older relatives, get involved with hospice at a local hospital, or volunteer.

The more you connect, the more valued you will feel and the more you contribute, the less alone you will be. And the more you begin to care about others and their needs and their feelings, the less you may be concerned with your fears.

Hey, again, I don’t know everything. And one size does not fit all. But begin where you are.

Tonight, I had my usual conversation with my mother. She needs stuff from the store. Does not want to go to the store. Should really not go to the store. But needs groceries. I have stuff delivered to her for her dog on a regular basis, and when I ask, she tells me she doesn’t need anything…until she needs everything.

She says she needs to learn how to order things on-line herself. She says, “I am not stupid”. She’s not. I can’t win a game of cards with her. But when it comes to computer stuff with her, I want to pull out my hair.

Why? Because we go in circles. First, she tells me it is my fault that she does not know how to order on-line, because I never show her how. Then when I ask her if she want to try something “right now”, she looks at me (because we can video chat), and I swear to God, tonight she actually said, “You are not my mother”.

She wants to learn. She is not stupid. But she never wants to actually learn because she doesn’t want me to teach her anything. But it is my fault she does not know anything because I never teach her anything. And so, we go around and around… and I either order her food anyway or she sneaks out and does it herself.

Until the next time.

Why? Because we all tend to get overwhelmed when we are confused, or we are facing something unfamiliar and maybe a little scary. We tend to feel that we need to know everything in order to be comfortable trying anything new or making any kind of a move. And don’t get me wrong, we should know what we are doing before making a big move…but it is not necessary to start out knowing everything.

It’s okay for a surgeon to go to med school before they pick up a scalpel. For most people, the idea of performing surgery is terrifying if we know nothing about it. So, we don’t just assume we are stupid if we can’t just jump right in and know how to avoid cutting anything vital. We all need to start at the beginning and be patient.

It’s okay to not know everything right now. It’s okay to understand that things we don’t know about can be scary and overwhelming and that we may end up freezing in fear or moving too fast if we don’t take a breath and slow down and accept that we all had to learn about “A” before we could learn about “B” and that there was a time when “Z” seemed way beyond our reach or comprehension.

One day at a time. One thought to process to move another step.

This past week we lost Phil Saviano. If you don’t know who that is, watch the movie “Spotlight”. Thank you, Phil, for everything.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Co-dependent, Priests, trauma response, trust

Free Fallin’

Last week, I mentioned how difficult it was to separate from my ex-husband and how, even now, I have moments when I doubt myself over my past actions and the mistakes I made along the way.

I just wanted to add to that by saying that my relationship with my ex-husband was one of….I have to leave, I want to stay….and based on emotions and a need for myself to become less dependent on someone else. In fact, one of the biggest red flags for me in knowing I had to do something was the feeling of needing someone else to alleviate my fears.

I did not want to be in a relationship because being there meant that I felt safe despite the problems that I knew existed. I didn’t want someone else to have control over me or for me to allow someone to have control over me because it was easier than facing my fears and walking away on my own.

In the same way, I didn’t want to acknowledge the red flags. And yet, as much as the relationship would reach a point to where I thought I had to leave, as soon as I did leave, he would begin to try to pull me back in. And that was harder. Way worse. Because it was then like trying to escape from everything that I wanted him to be and everything I felt I needed.

And so when I did finally leave for the second and last time, pulling away felt like trying to learn to drive with a clutch. My movements were jerky and uncertain. There came a point where I knew I needed an ultimatum. And when I say “ultimatum”, let me say that this was not a popular choice with anyone. I said that I could not reconcile without couple’s therapy.

Now, he had already told me that he would never go back to therapy. And my son told me that I knew that he would not go back to therapy. And I tried to not make it sound like an angry ultimatum. but one that made sense. Because in reality, it was not my ex that I was issuing the ultimatum to…..it was to myself.

I needed an end to the craziness. An end to the confusion. An end to the “should I stay or should I go?” dilemma. And I didn’t expect miracles. I just expected something to be different from what we were doing. Something other than “I will try” which sounds great until you are in the middle of things with no other place to go and just depending upon someone else to work on their own issues with no incentive to do so.

Well, he refused. Not a big surprise. And I’d like to say that I was a tremendously strong person who immediately sought a divorce. Nope. What did I do? I bargained. I couldn’t face the results of my ultimatum. But I had painted myself into the corner deliberately so that I could not get out. Bargaining….getting down to please just go with me to counselling like twice a year or something….just to say we are working on things….did not work.

I had to face reality.

I eventually did initiate divorce proceedings. And everyone gets along now okay. But when I feel pulled back into my feelings, I need to realize that there was a reason that I did what I did. And that reason was I needed to stop making decisions based on emotion. Because I didn’t really trust my emotions.

I had to put up a wall….a boundary…..however flimsy it began…to emotionally separate myself from a confusing situation that pulled me in all directions.

I know this is a blog about abuse by priests. But abuse is abuse. And our ability to set boundaries or put our foot down and say “enough” whether to someone else or to ourselves when we don’t have the tools to process a healthy existence at the time, does not matter who we are interacting with or who is trying to manipulate or use us.

But with the priest, the difference is….he would be the one we would be telling this to and the one from whom we would be seeking help.

If there was a blessing for me being psychologically and emotionally abused by a priest, it would be that it put a name to things that happened to me in the past. And it helped me to see that I have to be careful to not let my wall down wherever I go.

And that in itself is difficult, isn’t it? That reaction to betrayal by someone we trusted by not allowing anyone to be close to us in order to protect ourselves is called a “Trauma Response”. That is just one of many trauma responses. And we can even feel conflicted by this….wanting to feel safe by avoiding closeness with others, but than not feeling safe being alone either.

My lack of trust and avoidance has mainly to do with the church. I don’t trust the motivations of those who seem to be kind or helpful. My feelings of distrust are raised whenever I hear someone speak of a good priest who tried to help them and I wonder what was the priest’s motivation behind doing the good deed. Especially if it has to do with a child or a vulnerable adult who is kind-hearted and trusting. I want to say, “please be careful who you trust”.

I am still working daily on becoming more aware of trying to fix things for people and things in general with people. I’m trying to let go of caring too much about what other people think. Like I said….my feeling is it may take a lifetime to change old patterns, but I feel that it all begins by becoming more aware of ourselves without judgment.

I have a friend who I have known since childhood. I reconnected with her after many years and since she had a child many years after I had my kids, we would often hang out at her house while her child was growing up and needed her there. I often would help out at parties she threw for her daughter and I’d play cards with her family….things like that.

One day she said she was going to have a couple of people we both knew from grade school over for lunch and did I want to join them. Having never been very close to the two friends and having not really seen them since grade school, I declined, saying no, that’s okay, they were more your friends and I haven’t seen them in years, or something like that. Never meant it to be something to hurt anyone’s feelings. Didn’t seem like my not being there was important to anyone.

I happened to see one of the friends on Facebook and thought maybe it was time to reconnect with an old classmate. I was ignored. Saw the same person at our reunion and they did not speak to me. It was obvious that our mutual friend had told them she had asked me and I said I was not interested in joining them.

Especially since said friend has not attempted to get together to do anything with me since this happened a couple of years back.

I never thought it was going to grow into anything. Thought she was just having lunch with some friends who I had never seen while I was hanging out at her house….or ever…since grade school. But I felt the need to fix things and make it right.

But my new non-fixer awareness said….”why?” How good of a friend is this to talk behind my back and not ever get back in touch with me? And I had attempted to be friends with and talk to her friend and my ex-classmate already to no avail. What did I attempt to fix? Do I tell her that I know what she did? Do I try to fix things with her two friends who by me not having lunch with them may have taken that very personally and want nothing more to do with me? Do I need this kind of drama in my life?

I realize I don’t need to fix this. I send my friend a Christmas card each year. We are friends on Facebook. I’m here if she wants to get together. I have already tried to invite her to something and she declined. Time to let the issue go, leave the door open, but not try to fix things or to get anyone to like me. Does it make me a less likeable person because someone else does not like me?

It sure feels that way. Even though I haven’t really known these people in many years and never see them and they have no affect upon my life. But it feels like a poppy seed stuck in between your teeth. Life can’t go on until that seed is unstuck. Must fix.

But that is how I feel. And I am aware of that. And I am aware that I don’t need to fix things for people. I can be continue to be friendly if I ever run across these people but I don’t need to be responsible for their thoughts and feelings or anyone else’s actions.

One last thing I want to talk about. Noticing the good things in our lives.

I woke up one morning last week to the sound of rain falling outside of my window. It was a dark morning and I didn’t have to get up for some time yet. My little dog was lying next to me with her head near my ear, softly snoring. That sound, along with the rain, was so very peaceful. And I wanted to bottle that moment in time. Because we know all too well that these moments of perfect peace don’t last. Life brings new changes every day. We need to hold onto those moments….to become aware of those moments….and all of the things that bring joy into our lives.

Life changes. Just found out today that someone who lived in my neighborhood when we were kids passed away from cancer. His mom is still alive. She used to let us pick her flowers to bring home to our moms when we were kids.

Blessings to all this week of Thanksgiving. My thoughts go out to anyone who feels alone or who is missing someone they love this holiday.

Posted on in abuse, clergy, Priests, trust, Uncategorized

Touched by the Sun

Last week’s poll showed that the thing that keeps most of us from telling our truth is the fear of public scrutiny.

I get that. I think most people get that. Think about what happens with kids on social media or anyone for that matter no matter how old when personal information or photos are exposed. You don’t want to be vulnerable again. You don’t want to be hurt again. The only control you have seems to be hiding and not going through all of that again on an even larger scale.

Since I’ve spoken with the bishop, I’ve been a bit paranoid. I get emails from people all of the time and occasionally things just don’t feel right for some reason and a spidey sense goes off. Such was the case where a gentleman wanted me to call him instead of email. When he got done telling me his story, he wanted to know something about me….how many kids did I have and was I planning to take legal action in my case. I felt vulnerable. I didn’t know this person. Yes, we are all connected in a sense and I don’t mind sharing if it helps other people, but to be directly asked by someone….I don’t know.

And it’s not about who is asking or the situation really….it is about a feeling. I’ve ignored or questioned feelings before. Not anymore. Well, I say that, but upbringing is hard to overcome. I was raised to be polite to everyone. And to smile. My mom tells me to smile even when I am video chatting with her.

Anyway, someone this week said that they didn’t think the priests actually knew what the outcome was for their victims. Perhaps if they could see the damage they have done, it would help open their eyes. Personally, I don’t think they care. And if they were shown the outcome, would somehow make it about themselves and their own “feelings”.

Have you ever lived with an alcoholic? Someone you know who has good in them somewhere, but as much as they seem to show remorse for something they’ve done and promise never to do such a thing again….do we really believe that will happen?

I think enablers do. I’m an enabler. I’m working on it. But I am.

But, perhaps it’s time to take a look at the fourth rule for dealing with a narcissist…and that is….

Don’t assume a narcissist cares.

And once again, I don’t diagnose people and I really don’t care whether or not someone is a textbook anything. I only know that when I look at these rules and apply them to my life, it makes sense in many cases, so….

Our “Narc” love bombs us. Praise, warmth, sensitivity, flirtation….making you feel warm and fuzzy and worthy of love…and we want to believe. I mean, we live in a gray world where the highlight of our day might be having good painting weather or being able to button our jeans. Or is that just me?

Anyway, although we say we don’t want drama in our lives, we do want that bit of color when it comes along. Doesn’t it feel good to be appreciated? To have a talent or your intelligence acknowledged? To have someone look into your eyes like you’re on a first date in high school again?

Pleasurable feelings that have been deeply buried because life sucks and I’ll never fall in love again….as someone else pointed out this week….we are pack animals. We are programmed to connect and to care and to touch and be touched by others.

And if we are “damaged” and unsure of what love is really supposed to look like, we can be tricked. Even when we think we know better. That is why older people are more vulnerable and are targeted by con artists….because they tend to be lonely.

I remember one night, sitting in a bar with a friend. I had a drink in front of me….the only one I planned to have as I was driving. She had been seeing a married man. A physically abusive married man to boot. She “knew better”, but was drawn to him for whatever reason. Usually they say it is because we fall in love in the beginning of the relationship, within the love bombing stage.

So this guy shows up. I am not thrilled as I know what he is and what he has done to my friend. But he brings all of us ladies a rose, and buys us a round of drinks. Okay, this guy I saw through….because I knew the backstory and because we were in a bar where you meet someone like this all the time. I didn’t touch the drink . I finished the one I had and left.

Again with my mom….when I told her what had happened, my mom told me I had been rude and since he had paid for the drink, I should have drunk it. My mom never hung out in bars without my dad. And she is….once again….a representative of a time…not so very long ago.

But back to “our Narc”. We’ve been love bombed by someone who has taken an oath to follow Jesus. Someone who knows the Ten Commandments and would not break them on purpose. Someone who can see into our soul and loves everyone as does God.

He’s not some guy in a bar. We know what that guy is after. This guy is pure. Sex for him only exists within a loving relationship…and marriage. There is no doubt that he cares.

Plus, I think that if we are damaged….and by that, I mean have had damage done to us and carried it with us….I think we tend to relate to the damage in others….or what we think we see.

Now, I’ve read that Narcissists are indeed very damaged people….and that they know how to put on a front very well. But I think we need to look at their damage as if it were ashes in the aftermath of a fire. There is nothing left inside. Nothing to give you. Nothing of substance exists within. They are empty and in need of taking from you. And take they will….until you feel like you are empty inside as well.

These are not just words on a page. There seem to be so many people in unbalanced or emotionally abusive relationships. Relationships that seemed so right at the beginning. Relationships that sometimes take many many years for people to figure out what is going on because they are too close to see the forest for the trees. Good people who empty people have sunk their hooks into and drain the life from. But I digress.

Logic can be an unwelcome intruder when it comes to having your love light lit and you feel passion stirring. But listen. We make mistakes and we always will. But value the love that you have to give. And try to bring more color into your life…not so easy right now….but try to bring the color to your life yourself. Enjoy being you.

Have a good week, and please take our poll.