Everybody Hurts

I’m going to start by heading back for a minute to the fear of growing old alone with nobody in your life who truly loves you or never having found “true love”.

For someone who is alone not out of choice but because they fear intimacy or because they have a wonderful heart and nobody recognizes that and appreciates it, or because they have been hurt too many times and fear trying again….it can be a very painful and lonely thing.

And very often, they are alone not because they have not tried to find love or because they have not wanted love, but because old wounds or unhelpful thought patterns and past abuse may have left them blind to their own value.

Comparing themselves unfairly to others, reliving sad thoughts in their heads, fear of being judged, fear of rejection…all can bring out insecurities which then in turn make the person appear to be unengaging and antisocial, which then can push people further away.

I read something this week that asked you to name something that happened to you yesterday. Then the same article asked that you name something that did not happen yesterday. The point being, it is easier to name something that did happen than something that did not happen.

Then I read that if you go back to your childhood, it is very easy to see what happened to you when you were small, but not so very easy to name what did not happen to you as a child. Because it never happened.

The suggestion was that many of us who are now grown and having issues with expressing our feelings or sharing our feelings or having dysfunctional feelings, may be traced back to what did not happen to us. We did not get to discuss how we felt or have our feelings respected or perhaps we lived in a house where feelings were best kept to ourselves, or nobody ever asked us if we were okay emotionally when we were sad. Maybe even we were taught not to be too happy or to search out joy. Maybe we never learned who we were outside of who other people told us we were and we never questioned that because we were never taught to ask ourselves really who we were or how things made us feel.

That is a thought to perhaps think about when you are listening to what your inner voices tell you and how they make you feel.

I have learned one thing in the past couple of years and that is that telling yourself that you are afraid of never being loved or being alone is not a good mantra to live your life around. Not only does it make you feel depressed, but predators see it in you. My feeling is, be aware of your thoughts and feelings and instead of seeing them as “facts”, try instead to see them as “triggers”.

Such as, because you know you wear your heart on your sleeve, try to avoid situations or sights or people who will trigger your raw feelings. Things such as romance movies, social media, certain friends or TV shows…most have an unrealistic view of love and can make a relationship seem unattainable.

I’ve also come to believe that people for the most part are more alike than not. I believe that even people who we see as living a charmed life have hurt at some point in time. As we get older, we lose more and more people that we know. Unless we are in group therapy with someone, we don’t know the losses they have suffered or the abuse they have gone through.

I think that the majority of people you see every day have suffered in some way. I also know that everyone you know and everyone you meet has an ego. Especially as we get older, we get more isolated and we may no longer have the unconditional love some of us got from relatives and old friends when we were younger.

In other words, as we get older, we may need to become our own source of love. Because the truth is we may never find love again, or true love…ever. It’s sad but it’s true. But it’s also true that this is true for everyone. We are not alone in feeling this way. I think pretty much everyone is afraid. And many, many people are lonely. When we begin to see the world in that way, we can begin to recognize how special we can be to others. Because we know how they feel.

Pretty much everyone appreciates kindness or a compliment. To someone, it may be the bright spot in their day. And yet, we can be so afraid to speak to anyone because they may think we are weird or something. So what? If someone thinks you are weird or does not appreciate you….it is their loss. Or perhaps they are not someone you want to know or spend time with.

There will always be people you won’t want to interact with or you will need to be careful of. Kind does not ever need to mean easy. Beware of people who are too willing to fill the emptiness in your heart. Respect your own need to heal and to protect yourself.

Another thing I read was sent to me by a friend. It’s about how different parts of your brain can affect your memories of things and keep you hooked on things in the past.

I’m not a scientist, but what I got out of what I read is that the Limbic system consists of the Amygdala, the Hippocampus, and the Thalamus and Hypothalamus. Each of these parts works together in processing emotions, memory and smooth body functions such as sleep, alertness, hunger and fatigue.

When you are in love, the Amygdala (in charge of fear and sensing danger) can shut down completely, which is why you can become blind to red flags. When you have been through an abusive relationship, the memory and emotional processing part…the Hippocampus, may literally begin to associate certain things with love and relationships. And of course, being in love or being heart broken, can both affect how you eat or sleep and your sense of focus and alertness.

When you have been dumped, or when you leave a relationship, the Amygdala can sense danger and fear. And you can believe what it is telling you. You are going to die out here all alone. Go back. Get to safety. Lions eat people who are not with a pack. You are vulnerable.

The Amygdala is only trying to help, and it is reacting to what it believes will help to keep you alive. But it is reacting to a primitive need for fear. Still, it is really easy to believe your own brain and the inner thoughts it sends you.

But much of this can explain why some people keep going back to abusive partners or back into what is familiar to them. It can also explain why you fear being alone and feel vulnerable without a “pack”.

It may just be your Amygdala that is responsible for your fears of never finding love and the despair that is felt with that thought. And who knows what memories the helpful Hippocampus is holding onto. Some emotional memories, such as trauma, can get caught up with survival fears, linking memories and smells and triggering painful stuff in the name of helping us survive. Like avoiding the lion who will eat us.

So, the moral of this may be that the brain tries to help us, but instead by doing so, may keep us from interacting as it does not know where the “lion” is hiding.

And it’s not easy to over-ride the brain. It’s an on-going process this thing called healing.

I will close this week by including a video clip of some very beautiful and brave adult survivors of clergy abuse. Have a great week. Please remember to take the poll.

Mama Mia

Sometimes I hate what I do.

I mean, I like the people but I hate the subject matter.

This past week, I went to a political rally outside the capital building aimed at the passage of a bill to assist those Abused as Adults. It was an emotional gathering. I was the only SNAP person there, and it was kinda funny because I introduced myself to one of the speakers and she said, “I know who you are. I’m on your mailing list.”

So that night, I was talking to my mom on the phone and when she asked me what I did that day, against my better judgement, I told her. She was very concerned that someone there knew who I was. Because as she said, in her day, these things just happened and nobody talked about them.

And once again, she pointed out that because I was not raped, I was not really abused. This is a reminder that we are just beginning to enlighten people and change the view society holds on what abuse is. And trying to change a long-held belief is not always possible.

And although I knew that it was best to let it go, it made me feel so incredibly alone and it made me doubt myself. I mean, there is always the emotional side to everything. That side that says “don’t make waves”, “pretend you don’t see anything”, “just be a good girl, not a rebel”.

But there are two sides to this coin. I don’t want to upset my mom. And the child inside wants to make her happy. But there also comes a time in our lives when we realize that in some sense we are alone and that our thoughts and decisions may come at a price. They may separate us from the pack. It’s a vulnerable feeling but the truth can sometimes be a lonely thing.

There’s that thing about abuse, you see. It can’t always be seen. It’s not about how hard you fought or how many bruises you have. Sometimes it is. But the abuse of power does not always come with a fist at the other end.

Besides opening my eyes to what goes on behind the veil and what the church doesn’t want you to know, my experience with the priest taught me so many things about myself and my own ongoing struggle to search for a sense of balance and my attempt at staying afloat in my life.

And my initial beliefs that I should not make waves, pretend I didn’t see what was happening and to try to be invisible and to please everyone and not speak up….those beliefs weren’t working for me anymore.

But I sit here, ready to burst, because I don’t know how to fix things.

Except to talk about them. Acknowledge them. You, you there reading this….you are vulnerable. I know you don’t believe me. You are too smart. Too worldly. Too street-wise. You’ve got things under control.

It’s there. The invisible cloak that envelopes us with a false sense of security. We don’t see it but we can feel it. Something is off.

At our meeting tonight, I shared that one of the reasons I wasn’t able to see what was happening with the priest was my own distrust in my gut feelings and judgement. I tend to tell myself that I should not feel anything unpleasant. And if I do, it is not because of someone else, but because of my own shortcomings. I “should” always feel calm and pleasant. I “should” always feel in control.

So if someone is being a total ass or crossing over my boundaries….and what are boundaries…..I am the one who tries to fix and make pleasant and not let anything get out of control. It’s my go-to move. Narcissists love it.

And we learn this stuff and we continue to teach this stuff. Don’t speak. Don’t show emotion. You don’t get to have any emotions. You are responsible for others’ behavior. So stuff it down any way you can.

We also talked a little bit tonight about how evil can disguise itself as good. I went back to the cat story my priest told me and everyone. What a good man. So patient. He just sat and watched the feral cat every day for months. Little by little he drew her in and got her to trust him. Until the day came when she stepped foot into his apartment and the door slammed behind her. Trapping her. Well, that was the version I got. Other people just got that he was patient and kind to animals. I got the evil version. Come to my place and my cat will kill you.

But what gets me most about non-physical violence is that people will call these predators brilliant. They know the play book. There are actually books that discuss their secret codes. They have the advantage. They leave their victims feeling the need to forgive them and to turn the other cheek. Survivors struggle with this concept alone for years.

What gets me is that they can actually break people to the point where someone will feel they have no choice but to degrade themselves in the hope that the torture will stop. But instead it just intensifies. The bar gets raised higher while the victim’s self esteem plummets and their depression and desire for self harm increases. Because I only knew one priest. And he had other victims. And probably still does. He is out there deliberately destroying people. And he is only one of many.

Sometimes I do really hate what I do. I hate it. It was bad enough to live through it. And sometimes, truthfully, it gets to be too much sometimes. Sometimes it feels like there is too much evil and too little we can do about it.

But you know what? There’s also a lot of concrete in this world. And dandelions push their way through. They do what seems to be impossible because they are resilient. Be the dandelion.

Have a good week….don’t forget to take the poll.

Brian Toale11:59 AM (5 hours ago)
to Brian

Hello all –

We’ve picked up a bunch of new sponsors on the ASA and really want to continue that momentum into the final couple of weeks of session. Please follow @SafeHorizon and @JessSchafroth on twitter. Many coalition members also frequently post about the ASA. Please also follow @Alisonturkos @agrenell @MHoechstetter @ModelAllianceNY @Michael Polenberg @NYSPACL

We need to amplify the ASA as much as possible and continue to push for additional co-sponsors and a floor vote.

The Daily News editorialized in favor of the ASA today.
https://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/ny-edit-what-survivors-deserve-20210524-3zdkxz644jdptip55blbiguedm-story.html

We still need survivor testimonials; one-to-two page stories to share with members. This is the NUMBER ONE thing we’ve been asked for and we don’t have very many to share. Please send asap so we can distribute!!! We can share with name or without names. These stories are so important, and that personalization is what is so difficult about doing this advocacy remotely. Members need something tangible. The CVA was about policy and it was also about Bridie and Tom and Amelia and Brian, etc. Let us help tell your story and the story of your clients.

Thank you so much!!!! We have a lot of momentum with us. Let’s kick it up even more for the final few weeks.  

Jessica Schafroth

Vice President