Category: clergy

Posted on in abuse, Church too, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Narcissists, Priests, sexual predator, Spiritual Growth, Trauma bond, trust

Walk This Way

Well, to start with, I have to say that I’ve noticed how many times I automatically say “I’m sorry”. But at least I am starting to become aware of the habit that I’ve learned…yes, learned…in my life. Many of us have been taught to be polite and to basically apologize for everything so as not to offend.

But this blog today is about what we unconsciously do that may attract bullies and predators.

What I found most interesting in my research is that dangerous criminals…Ted Bundy being one of them…when asked what stands out to them the most when it comes to picking a target/victim is…the way that they walk.

Predators are experts at body language. They specifically look for that person who shuffles their feet when they walk. And hesitancy. Someone who walks too slowly or to quickly…as if they are in a world of their own and not paying attention to what is around them…or someone who seems ill at ease with being outside in the world and moves like a nervous gazelle. They also look for awkwardness of movement. That is the number one body language cue that tells people that you are vulnerable and will not put up a fight.

Another cue that gives away insecurity is body posture. Do you tend to hunch over like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders? Do you clutch your pocketbook or knapsack or whatever tightly to yourself? Do you tend to look down at the ground instead of the people and things around you? These too can emit an aura of insecurity.

So can social awkwardness and being a wallflower. Avoiding eye contact can also signal a weakness of confidence.

So, what is recommended besides becoming more aware of how you appear to others? (which in itself is a nightmare to people who tend to be shy or socially phobic)

Well, there are the obvious things like watching your nervous habits. Don’t twist your hair, bite your nails, or tap your fingers.

Also, try to walk briskly but not too fast. Pay attention to your surroundings. Stand up straight. And if you want to sit and look confident, the best way to do that is to stretch your arms out in front of you, put one ankle over your other knee, and place your hands on your legs in front of you in an open style. (obviously not if you are wearing a dress or skirt) If wearing a dress or skirt, it is best to cross your ankles and put your hands on your thighs.

Another thing to consider is how fit you are. With men, the broader the shoulders, the less likely they are to be victimized. No matter who you are, or what shape you are in, if you can lift weights to gain strength in your arms, do it. Take a martial arts class if you can. Join Toastmasters to learn how to speak in front of people. Well, those are suggestions that I read anyway.

My feeling is that some of these things may be out of reach for some people. But like everything else, just become more aware of the need to stretch your confidence. When you learn new skills or take new chances, you can like yourself a bit better. And that can show up unconsciously in the way you move and act.

When I tell some people that I am shy or quiet, I am surprised when they laugh and say “no, you’re not”. But it has taken work on my part.

There are many times in our lives when things change, and we have to go forward even though we are afraid. When I got separated and then divorced, I lost pretty much all of our shared friends. Being co-dependent, I pretty much had a social life with my husband and not so much by myself. But that began to change.

I took classes, worked two jobs, took square-dancing lessons, volunteered at the suicide hotline, joined a bowling league (and I suck at bowling) joined a paranormal group, started inviting people to my house, went to Chi Gong, joined a bookclub, started dating…I just kept doing even when it was uncomfortable. And it helped. But I still work on it all the time.

Joining SNAP opened up my world even more. I flew across the country by myself. Introduced a key speaker. Ran a live support group for those abused as adults, and then got literally dragged into another room to stand at a podium and tell my story to a group of strangers. Oh, also, I drove to and from D.C.

There was a time I would never have thought I could do any of those things by myself. Also, maybe most importantly, I can talk about what happened without feeling ashamed. That took time. And reading. And talking to other people.

But these things are possible. Maybe not without therapy or meds…but possible.

Oh, and the relationships I’ve had? I saw the warning signs, but I didn’t listen to my gut. In my defense, I don’t really know what a normal relationship is, so having someone try to completely change who I was, and withholding things, I felt that there are just things you accept as long as they are a nice person. Until the bar got higher and they decided that withholding sex was the way to go to get me to move in with them. I walked away. Because the bar will always get higher.

Another warning sign I ignored with a nice guy? He never had money to pay for anything. I knew that would never change so I chose to walk away. But not until after I had paid for everything he had wanted to get his daughter for Christmas.

It can be hard to see the warning signs…and even harder to listen to them. But here are some signs that you might want to watch out for to keep yourself out of danger.

If someone rubs their nose when they talk to you, they may not be telling you the truth. Same as if they can’t look you in the eyes or if they don’t use many hand gestures.

Signs that you may be in physical danger include, unwelcome touching of yourself or your stuff, foot stomping, narrowing of the eyes, jutting out of the chin with tightened lips, licking of teeth with or without the mouth open, tense or lowered eyebrows, sneering, looking through you, quick darting glances, clenched hands, hands in the pockets, uneven breathing, dilated pupils, staring at you…and one that was not in the stuff I read but that happened to me with the priest…blocking your exit. It was a threatening gesture that was meant to intimidate.

Other signs to look out for, of course, with a person who appears really nice is. like I mentioned, trying to change who you are or implying that you are not what they want so you need to change, trying to manipulate you or guilt trip you, being dishonest, needing you to cater to someone else in their life, disrespecting your needs…especially if you have stated what you need, being sexually selfish or not respecting your comfort level sexually, using you, trying to get a commitment right away, giving you things or doing things for you with strings attached, monitoring where you are going, accusing you of things, etc.

And I did say “nice person”, didn’t I? Because that too can be confusing. When someone who is nice begins to exhibit questionable behavior, it can be confusing. I tend to make excuses for people. Do you find yourself doing that? Not listening to your gut and telling yourself that what someone is doing is because of this or that and not because the situation is not good for you and you need to walk away?

That can be difficult to do. Because your brain may tell you one thing and your heart may tell you that you are leaving your best friend. The love of your life. Because the nice person and the things they can start to do just don’t add up or make sense. And if you have no solid basis for what healthy looks like…you may doubt yourself.

We will talk more about that next time. Until then, remember not to let fear stop you from stepping out of your comfort zone, but as you step out, listen to your gut for anything that doesn’t seem right. Be patient with yourself because we are all in a continuous state of learning.

Also, if you are victimized, it is not your fault. But we can learn ways to help protect ourselves.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, Church too, clergy, Priests

Stop Dragging My Heart Around

Vulnerability. For children it goes without saying. They are vulnerable simply by being young and innocent. But what makes an adult vulnerable?

Recently, I did something out of my comfort zone. I shared the name of my book with a group of close friends and family on-line. I also “came out” and said what had happened to me. That made me feel very vulnerable because I have reached the point where I can talk about what happened and not feel shame. That took a long time. I also realize that what happened was abuse. That too took a long time.

Being involved with SNAP has taught me words like “Grooming” and “Gaslighting” and “Future Promising” and “Narcissistic Rage” and “Cognitive Dissonance”.

Coming out to people who know me but who have not been through the experience is scary. Because I know that someone is going to inevitably ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?” or “Why didn’t you just go to Human Resources?” or “How could you not see what was going on?” or even “What the Hell is wrong with you?”

So. it’s scary. But you know something, I think I’m okay with that. That vulnerability. Because many of my friends and family live in my area. And they will know that what happened, happened right here….to someone they know. By a priest who may be saying mass next week at their church. And though it may never happen to them, it may make them think. May make someone more aware of what is going on. And maybe it could reach someone who needs to hear the message.

We are all vulnerable to physical harm because we are in physical bodies. And we all need other people to a certain degree, which makes us vulnerable to be scammed or used or violated by others who lack empathy, or someone whose desperate need for drugs or money or perhaps emotional weakness may influence their actions.

Taking risks is necessary in life, but don’t hand out trust too easily. Be careful exchanging information with someone you just met. Beware of the charmer, the one who compliments or who wants to get close to you too quickly.

There are times in our life when we can be more vulnerable, and our guard can be let down. Obviously with clergy and at church. But also, in group settings and even in support groups where we are encouraged to share and be open. And of course, if you are alone, be careful to always lock your doors at home and in your car right away and trust your gut feelings if someone approaches you asking for help….never follow someone to their car or someplace where you will be alone with them.

Emotionally, abusers can sense when someone is vulnerable. Think for a moment of a time when you felt overwhelmed. Perhaps you had an abusive spouse, or you were trying to raise and support children on your own, or you may have been taking care of someone who was sick. Maybe you were sick, or your child was sick. Perhaps you have suffered an unbearable loss. Maybe you feel isolated or very lonely. Life can throw a lot at people, and increased stress can lead to depression. Things can seem hopeless, and the world can seem to lack any happiness or hope.

I’ve been there. We probably all have. It feels to me like the world lacks color and joy. You can feel that you’ve lost yourself and that you are no longer living but just surviving. You are emotionally vulnerable.

Having a person listen to you, seem to understand and care about you, take an interest in you, compliment you, find you attractive, or offer help when you need it, can feel like lifesaving rain to a parched flower. The sun comes out when they are around. Endorphins that have lain dormant forever start to wake up again and the world is awash with color. In a sense, you can feel a sense of addiction to that person if you have been in a state of emotional depletion.

You can also fall into a Stockholm Syndrome type of thing if this person is in power over you in some way, or controls important aspects of your life.

I was thinking about the struggle we often face between what we want or what we know is right or not right. The fight between the heart and the brain. Not when you are already in the middle of something and you can’t see the forest for the trees, but when you are functioning in life with other people.

It can sometimes feel like the head is the adult and the heart is the child that holds all of the hurt and the needs and the memories. They argue back and forth like a parent trying to protect their child from harm. Sometimes the head (the parent or experience and wisdom) can rule the heart. At other times, the heart storms out and slams the door behind it like a petulant teenager who has to do things their way, and the head just throws up their hands and says….”You know better but there’s nothing I can do. You’ll just have to learn the hard way.”

And that is, I imagine, how we normally process emotions. That does not take into account emotional vulnerability, when the brain and the body are confused and tired and misfiring.

I think the takeaway here is to be careful if something or someone seems too good to be true. And forgive yourself if you have fallen victim to someone who has taken advantage of you when you were at a low point in your life and needed someone.

Another piece of food for thought…thoughts of revenge can be common when you have been duped or abused. Remember that Narcissistic abusers can often be dangerous people. Directly trying to confront them can backfire and make situations worse. Advice for dealing with abusers is basically no contact.

On another note, I have been asked to share an attachment which I will include at the bottom of this blog.

Oh, also, getting back to my book, the priests are aware that I wrote this. Someone has bought the book, it appears, for the main reason to give it an anonymous one-star rating, and then trying to resell it. So, beware of buying used books from survivors who have written their stories. You don’t know who is selling it.

https://bit.ly/3jhT1Ft

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Co-dependent, Narcissists, Priests, Trauma bond, trust

Lying Eyes

https://www.npr.org/2022/11/19/1137962421/albany-bishop-asks-pope-remove-priesthood

I am including an article from NPR regarding former Albany Bishop Howard Hubbard, who not only was accused of the sexual abuse of minors, but also of covering up abuse in the Albany Diocese of which he had knowledge. He is now retired but is asking the Pope to remove him from the priesthood.

I don’t really know what this means for him legally. Bishop Hubbard says that he hopes, and he prays that one day before he dies, he will see his name cleared of all of these false allegations. To me that shows how out of touch he is with the situation.

He allowed the abuse to continue. He picked a side. He distanced himself from the abuse and the pain of those abused. Words don’t matter. He is responsible for the actions he took and failed to take when he was in charge.

He is not the sacrificial lamb. He covered up the crimes of his brothers (and sisters) and kept silent.

The recognition of the part bishops have played in covering up abuse is beginning to come under scrutiny a bit more these days. That is a good thing, because they surely know what is going on.

But is part of the reason they do not speak up because they too are afraid? About twenty years ago, there was a priest who tried to speak up about what was going on. Not so much about the abuse, but about how Bishop Hubbard was allowing homosexuality within the priesthood. Perhaps it wasn’t recognized as abuse at that time.

The priest was forced to sign a retraction and the next day, that priest was found dead. A victim, they say, of suicide. The thing I question now, is that about a week or so before that happened, that priest said a mass for another young man who had also committed suicide. I knew and worked with both of these people. Not closely, but we worked at a V.A. Hospital, where everyone knew everyone somehow or knew of someone…and nobody saw anything amiss with these two people before they died.

It makes me wonder now if the two deaths weren’t somehow connected. Had the young man who died a week or so before the hospital priest been a victim of sexual abuse in the past? Is it possible that one or both of them were victims of foul play?

Is it possible that those who live behind the church walls are coerced and threatened into silence as many of its victims are? Or are they just so adjusted to the order of things that they have a bent system of justice? Perhaps they have lied so many times that they believe their own lies to be the truth.

I don’t think this is the time to be discouraged. Things are beginning to move slowly in a more positive direction.

I recently watched a mini-series on Netflix called “Anatomy of a Scandal”. It really got me feeling some uncomfortable feelings.

If you have not seen “Anatomy of a Scandal”, here is a quote on something written by John DiLillo,

“Anatomy of a Scandal is pretty dark: It follows a prominent British politician whose marriage and career is threatened by a credible accusation of sexual assault. The show covers trauma, sexual harassment in the workplace and gendered double standards.“

I didn’t think I could sum it up better than that.

At the start of the series, we see a very happy well to do family. Then we find out that the husband had an affair with his assistant that lasted about six months…after which, he ended it, but the woman still had feelings for him. The man tells his wife about the affair, she forgives him and says everyone makes mistakes and all seems well enough as life goes on.

But then, a plot twist…the first of many. The assistant is now charging the husband and her ex-lover, with rape.

So, what is the first thing that we have been conditioned to think? A woman scorned, right?

What really struck me about this show is the realism. The relatability. We understand what went on in the mind of the victim. We get to understand what went on in the mind of the accused. We get to see the facts that the jury sees. And we get to experience the feelings of the wife as she sits at the trial of her husband and begins to fit pieces of a puzzle from their past together to come to her own conclusion.

The prosecuting attorney states that the accused and his assistant did indeed have sex in an elevator at work. This happened after he had broken off the affair. She willingly followed him onto the elevator. When he initiated a kiss, she willingly kissed him back. But then things changed. He became aggressive. There were bruises and torn clothes. She tried to push him away. She said no. He did not stop.

The victim took the stand and admitted that she loved the man. Admitted she had felt unhappy about the break-up. She admitted that when she followed him into the elevator and he kissed her, she had hopes that he had changed his mind and she was willing to resume their sexual relationship. But when he became forceful, she tried to push him away and told him, “Not here”. Instead, he bit her and ripped off her underwear and did not stop, all the while calling her a “prick tease”.

The man’s attorney stated that the two had sex in the building in which they worked before. Consensual sex. The attorney asked why all of a sudden was the woman shy about being caught? The attorney further stated that “Not here” did not mean “No”.

The man said that the woman lured him into the elevator. She had that look upon her face, he said. He said that she kissed him first and threw herself on him and that neither one of them said a word. He never heard her say anything. And he would certainly not use such language. If her underwear was ripped, he said, it was because she wore “an inadequate brand of underwear” and it must have happened in her haste to remove it. Furthermore, it was only a love bite, and he was not trying to hurt her. They knew each other well and he would never force himself on any woman.

The jury believes him, and he is set free. However, the verdict is particularly upsetting to the prosecuting attorney, who the wife feels looks a bit familiar. The wife goes to visit the attorney.

It turns out, in yet another twist, that they all used to go to college together. Back when the man and his wife were the beautiful people on campus and the lawyer was living her hippy style life with baggy clothes and unkempt hair and going by her maiden name. Of course, the big man on campus gets into some illegal stuff and upon running away from the cops in fear for his bright future, literally runs into our future lawyer, drunkly staggering home to her dorm after a party. Can you guess what happened?

Campus man aggressively makes out with future lawyer, she stops him and says she wants to leave, he pulls her back again and… pushes her against a wall, rips off her clothes, calls her a prick tease, then apologizes to her because he said he didn’t realize she was a virgin. Had he known that he would have taken a little more time.

He’s a charming guy.

Interesting thing, when the wife learns about this past rape and confronts her husband, he looks startled and shocked. Rape? No. I have never raped a woman. Sure, she seemed somewhat disappointed when I was done…figured that was because she was a virgin.

Now, I think the guy sincerely did not believe he had raped anyone. I think he felt entitled to whatever he wanted. Perhaps used to always getting what he wanted. Maybe he was used to women wanting him…I don’t know. But what struck me was his total inability to see beyond himself.

I know this was a fictional story based on a book, but it did have something important to say. The legal system looks at facts, but they do not have a psychological background. I think that many people abused as adults can relate to the thing that can screw you up emotionally and be used against you.

And that is…you can feel that you care about someone, you can feel that you love someone, you can feel that you were a part of, or allowed certain things to happen. But when your mind screamed “NO”, things changed, and you were not responsible for someone else’s behavior.

I think with my own story…I didn’t mind that we were friends or that he confided in me or flirted a bit with me…but the final couple of weeks where I felt painted into a corner…where I was told I had better get over my hesitation or else…things changed. But by that time, I felt that I had walked into the trap willingly. By the time I knew the truth, it was too late. And by then, I wasn’t sure what to do.

The same way the law has in some instances, may feel that if you were drinking, or if you went to someone’s apartment after a date, you wanted sex. And perhaps you did. And that can destroy you. Because you blame yourself then if someone becomes aggressive or does not respect your words if you say no, or your body language if you push them away, or you are raped because you passed out after drinking, or you feel threatened and coerced and forced.

But like the woman in the elevator in the tv show who became uncomfortable with what was happening and tried to put a stop to things by saying “Not here”…because she at that moment felt horrified that the elevator door would open or was horrified at the aggression in the man’s demeanor…we know that you can be raped by a partner, by a friend, a neighbor, a priest…and be less likely to be believed if it is someone you know or if you were with them willingly or if you had feelings for them.

And there are people who think they did nothing wrong and that their name should be cleared because they just cannot seem to grasp the hurt their actions or lack thereof, have caused others.

I hope you all had a very peaceful and tasty Thanksgiving if you celebrate the day. Our next Abused as Adults Meeting will be held Sunday December 4th. I have had a request to make the time earlier as those in other countries have to sleep. But I also have to run that decision/change by a couple of people. So, for now until you hear differently, the meeting will be from 4pm to 6pm EST on December 4th. Dorothy Small will be running the meeting.

Posted on in abuse, Co-dependent, Narcissists, predator, sexual predator, Trauma bond, trauma response

Send in the Clowns

Do you ever feel like you are stuck? Just existing? Just trying to hold it all together so you don’t come undone? Afraid or unsure if you should move or change anything and not really quite sure where to start if you did?

I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a juggling act for a while now. The thing is, we often find ourselves in the middle of the circus wondering how things got so crazy, and we don’t recall putting up the tent and sending in the clowns. And how could we know that we have done that when it all felt so familiar and so right? And how can we go anywhere now that someone has to keep the lions in their cages and make sure that those who choose the highwire act have a net in case they should fall, and someone has to pay for the popcorn….and without makeup, we can’t tell the clowns from those who aren’t clowns.

When we first open the door…and we all need to let people in…we may notice a few things that are off, perhaps a bit odd. But we sweep those thoughts away like sawdust on the floor under the big top. But why do we do that? Why do we push our instincts aside?

Denial, I think is one reason. Also, my therapist recently asked me…what would your mom have done in this situation? So, we have learned by example. Was this kind of abnormality normal when we were children? We are taught religion as children. Remember hearing about all of those martyrs? Remember that we are also learning these stories as children when we have no reference to what life is like outside of the classroom and home.

God is always watching. The flames of Hell are licking at your heels. There are many stories and messages we learn from the bible as children that don’t prepare us for a life of watching out for ourselves and how to go about loving ourselves. It is mentioned here and there, but as a child in religious class, I heard about a lot of deprivation, suffering, violence, poverty, forgiveness, and miracles that we were born too late to have experienced firsthand.

We grew up learning respect, which meant even when adults weren’t right, they were right…which meant that even if we were right, we were wrong. So, we learned to be quiet and to be told what to do, even if we did not agree. We learned to say we liked something even if we didn’t, so we would not hurt anyone’s feelings.

We may have grown up having to keep secrets to protect people we loved. We may have learned that there were things that we did not talk about outside of the house. We may have learned to adjust our own behavior or actions in order to not stand out or not feel we were going to make someone else’s behavior worse.

In other words, we may grow up without learning the skills to process and understand and accept our own thoughts and feelings unless they directly relate to someone else and what they have said or done. We may judge ourselves by what other people say about us.

We may always wonder if we are good enough. We may find ourselves wandering into our darker side and doing something our religion has taught us is wrong and weigh ourselves down with guilt and shame.

Or we may struggle at our attempts at becoming more assertive, having been taught to bury the truth to appease authority and so as not to be unkind.

And stepping out of our comfort zone can cause feelings of anxiety and a variety of lovely physical symptoms that go with the overstimulated nerves. Our bodies are affected by our thoughts. And we generally don’t like to feel uncomfortable. We tend to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. Like discussing feelings or speaking up instead of staying quiet because it causes less discomfort.

So, if we head back to the circus where we began, we see that we allowed people to come into our tent. Some people smiled as they entered and seemed friendly, and some people engaged with us right off the bat and wanted to help out and that felt good. Perhaps we are shy, or we find it difficult to connect with people. or we are lonely. Or perhaps we still have that empty spot inside that we are not quite sure unless someone else tells us, so we feel we need to attach to someone. We have a vulnerability which is not a bad thing. Unless, of course, we need validation in order to survive.

I don’t think any of us are ever really whole. And I believe that the more times we have been knocked down and have gotten ourselves up again does make us more resilient. More self-reliant emotionally. But we can still be susceptible to being wounded again by a predator.

Recently, my therapist pointed out that I have more power than I realize. She said that sometimes when we get angry, we push that anger inward and it becomes depression. And when depression settles in, we can go into “freeze mode”, as in, “fight, flight or freeze. And when we are in freeze mode, we may feel that we have no power or control over anything. That may be a stage where many of us got caught up in at one time or another.

Think about our “mirror image”, or the clown in the mirror for this post. We react to them. We may feel we need them. We may doubt our own beliefs and self-worth when they turn on the gas in the house lights.

Remember that they only have the power if you give it to them. Unfortunately, we need to hit a kind of our own rock bottom in order to see what is really going on. By then, the clowns have taken over the tent and we may feel overwhelmed and not know where to begin to assert our own power…which is…the power to say no. The power to respect your own needs.

You will be able to spot the Narcissist in the crowd. They will be the one who will throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want. They will have fits of rage. They will become the victim. They will blame you and want to turn others against you. They will threaten you.

But then they will apologize, or they will be helpful. And this will feel good and because you don’t want to poke the bear again, you hesitate to speak up, knowing it will only create more rage and threats and abuse.

And you’re not sure that it’s abuse. Because they will tell you that you are the one that caused the problem. And that will confuse you. And you will wonder if that is true. So, you are essentially being trained to do what this person wants you to do. But they will always point out that you had a choice. You’re not completely sure about that but you know that there was no physical violence, and you know that it’s easier just to give them what they want…which is essentially the entire point of training you and gaslighting you into submission.

There may also be a feeling that one or both of you may not survive without the other. They indeed will probably encourage this belief.

Our power is in moving forward no matter what. Seeing that the true person is the person in their rage when their entitlement is questioned. Our power comes in turning a deaf ear to the words they use to confuse. It’s hard to break through the fog of frozen depression to reach the heat of your own righteous anger.

Like I said, it usually has to come when we hit rock bottom. When their behavior affects someone we love or when it gets out of control and becomes physical abuse, or when we find our own inner strength to withstand the force of the storm coming towards us to stand our ground. And to not apologize for doing so. And no second guessing ourselves.

That is when the clowns will pile back inside the Volkswagen and you will have peace.

The next Zoom meeting for Abused as Adults will be held on the first Sunday in November….think that is the 6th…from 4pm to 6pm EST. Link will be sent out a day or so before the meeting.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Narcissists, Narcissists, Spiritual Growth

I Can’t Make You Love Me

Well, the SNAP Colorado Face to Face weekend has come and gone. I hate to say that I didn’t make it there, but for those who did, especially the first timers, I hope you had a wonderful time. For those reading this who are not survivors of abuse, that may sound strange, but I myself have met some of the best people at SNAP. There are people who give of themselves and work to abolish clergy abuse tirelessly. There is a healing power like no other when you see survivors face to face. There is so much support for each other. Plus, there is ice cream on Friday night.

As I have mentioned, I have felt the need to step back. At least until I can get some things in my life back on track. But before I get into anything else, here are the end of month stats:

First of all, not a stat but important. Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. Mental Health emergency number 988.

Now blog stats: Top five countries reading after U.S.: United Kingdom, Canada, Philippines, Brazil, and New Zealand; Total monthly views 213; Total followers 95; Total words written so far this year 46,699; Favorite TV show with religious theme: Joan of Arcadia and Miracle Workers tied; Calling or texting a friend is the most common way people alleviate feeling lonely or isolated.

I have included a YouTube video that I thought some may find helpful. What I particularly liked about this video, which describes Narcissistic Rage, is that the woman describes how rage differs from anger, how growing up with the Narcissist affects you as an adult, and especially, how working with a Narcissist affects the workplace. Anyone who has ever held a job can probably relate to how a Narcissistic tantrum from a co-worker, or worse yet, a boss, can affect the environment. Especially since the tendency is to placate the Narcissist at the expense of the other workers.

And in a relationship, how many of us are afraid to leave the Narcissist? How many of us live our lives in a prison because we are trapped in a situation where we feel we can do nothing except appease the Narc in our lives so that the rage does not erupt? Rage, which when it does erupt, burns a path of destruction, killing all in its way…whether immediately or through years of ceasing to exist except to please someone else.

I myself have been there, and I have to say that it can be a confusing dance sometimes. Confusing because often gaslighting goes along with abuse and being with the abuser can be quite pleasant when all is well in their world and so you don’t even realize how hard you are peddling to keep up that pace or how many times you have made excuses such as “everyone has a bad day”, “it was just the way they were raised”, “I’ll just communicate with them and tell them how that made me feel, or work harder on the relationship”, or my favorite “no marriage is perfect, my mom (or dad) had it worse than this and they didn’t give up”.

I have been guilty of denying that abuse exists. Sometimes it is because I just didn’t want to see it. Because I knew that it meant I had to leave someone even though I felt that I loved them.

And I will tell you, many of us understand what triggers are, but nobody can trigger you like family can trigger you.

Funny thing is as I sit here writing this, I had a dream last night about a gun. Speaking of triggers, right? I didn’t connect that. In my dream, I put a loaded gun in a dishwasher…not because I was washing away prints, but because I needed to clean it for some reason. And then, in the dream, I was afraid that it would go off.

We survivors, we know triggers. I’m trying to take one thing at a time, right? Well, I have been trying to work with son #1 for the past ten months…ten months…to sell him a house for half of what I owe on it so that he can own it instead of paying me rent and I won’t have to be responsible for the repairs…I will need a loan…but whatever. I want to help my son. I love my son. My son and I have a difficult relationship. Why?

Well, he tends to blame me for everything and so that is kind of hard to get around. It happens. Especially when Dad has been difficult and tended to be a blame placer-oner.

Again, people, I say these things not to hate on anyone but to be aware of relationships and so that we can become more responsible for what we accept in our lives. Because learning is the goal here. And it can hurt like Hell to learn as we all know.

Without going into a lot of detail, son #1 triggered me badly recently. I’m just going to say that he chose his father over me in a situation where it seemed very unfair that he did this. It may have made sense to my son, but to me, it was very insensitive, and it hurt.

However, being the survivor that I am, because we all are that…survivors…and because it was a familiar hurt…and because some of the variables have now shifted to where I realize that I have a bit more control…it still hurts…but only one or two tears hurt. And then I went into either numbness from having been through it so much that it can’t hurt me anymore and/or because I realized that my son is making a choice based on fear.

You see, I stepped away from that. My son never did. I never made anyone choose. Yet, lines were drawn, and people stopped talking to me when I walked away. People that the child within my older son is still afraid of losing. He may direct his anger towards me, and all of the blame, but he knows I’m here and he won’t lose me.

Then I did something stupid. I called my mom and told her what happened and that I had felt hurt. We joke about how if my mom worked on a suicide hotline, she would talk people off the ledge…but the other way.

And this brings me to another kind of trigger. Toxic Positivity. I hate to say it, but I’m guilty of some of these things myself.

You know how you have those moments…those days…when you just need someone to understand? Well, here are some of the things that you don’t want someone to say…even though you know they mean well.

It could be worse. Look at the bright side. You’ll get over it. Everything happens for a reason. Stay positive. Think happy thoughts. Everything will work out. Just get on with it. Don’t think about it. It was meant to be.

Or in my case with my mom, I was told…well he did used to live with his father. He is close with his father, etc.

The thing is, I was feeling stronger and not so very bad, but having someone try to “explain” things to me…or actually what was REALLY happening…making excuses for someone’s behavior and then telling me I should not be feeling bad about being treated with disrespect for whatever reason and making me feel like it was my fault….oooh…does this dysfunction sound familiar to anyone?

Anyone else recognize the poison that was pumped into you (again no offense to my family as I don’t believe anyone is doing anything….) oh, F**k what am I doing making excuses for these people? Seriously?

What is this? Even after I told my mom that I didn’t need anything fixed and that I am a grown woman who can fix my own life, which is only half true…she said, yes, but…and kept going. And I learned. Be nothing but nice. Smile. Don’t feel. Everything is okay. People shit on you for a reason. They have their reasons. Try to understand.

And if you can’t? If you push it down because you aren’t supposed to make trouble, and nor you are supposed to understand it is okay for other people to do whatever they want, and you are just not allowed to feel because that just means that you do not understand, and you are just too sensitive and so something must be very very wrong with you.

And so, you can get it ingrained in your head that it is your problem and that there is something wrong with you, so that when someone else tells you this as an adult, you believe it to be true.

Thing is, growing up trying to understand why other people do things is not really such a bad thing in itself. I understand why my mom tries to fix things and why she has her beliefs. I know she grew up in a house where her drunken father beat her mom, who suffered in silence and just continued to stay there and clean and crochet and bake pies on Sundays. She learned from the time she could talk that it was better not to talk at all.

But trying to talk to my mom about any of this…about how it affected her…and she gets defensive as any kind of “issue” gets interpreted as an accusation of mental illness…which was very misunderstood and scary back in the day and still is. But back in my mom’s day even more so.

And I think it’s that fear of the dark side…that fear of talking about it and bringing it out to the light…is probably why we say things like, “chin up, stiff upper lip, let a smile be your umbrella”, stuff like that.

Because emotions can be dark and scary and uncomfortable. And because like in the dream, perhaps we wish we could just wash away the triggers and hope nothing explodes.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, Church too, clergy, Co-dependent, Heal, Narcissists, Priests, sexual predator, Trauma bond, trauma response, trust

Helpless

I read something this week about a woman who says she was raped by her husband on their wedding night. She was a virgin and was saving herself for marriage. However, on the day of her wedding, she was sick. She was actually running a fever, and it was all she could do to get through the day. That night, all she wanted to do was get out of her gown and sleep. She explained to her husband that she was not feeling well, and wanted to put off their first sexual encounter until she was feeling better.

Instead, he told her that he had waited long enough and that she was now his wife, and that sex was an expected part of marriage. So, he flipped her onto her back, got on top of her, and had sex with his sick wife who begged, “please, no”. She went on to say that sex within the marriage never got any better after that night. It was always expected, and it was never pleasurable for her. Her husband criticized her sexual performance and basically everything about her as a woman. And she believed that it was all her fault.

Eventually he left her for another woman. It was at that point, after he left, that she began to see how she had been abused.

This story probably sounds familiar to many people. We probably also felt that something was off but that it was our fault. We were there. We were making out. Maybe drinking. Maybe without prior consent, someone just decided that they were going to have sex with you, so they did.

Or maybe you felt obligated to keep a partner happy because if you didn’t, your life would not be very pleasant, so you just had sex to keep from being made to feel like a horrible human being, or because not having sex meant sending someone into a rage against you and you had children and needed to keep things happy for everyone.

Except for yourself.

The woman in the story who was sick on her wedding night and asked her new husband if they could please wait until the next day when she felt better, was forced to have sex against her will by an abusive partner. He felt impatient and entitled and his needs were all that mattered. He forced her to have sex. That is marital rape.

I knew a woman who was in an abusive relationship. She was abused in every way possible. Her daughter told someone that her stepfather had raped her mother. I was not there, so I assume that for the daughter to say that she was raped, it probably happened after he pushed her around a bit and there was most likely an escalation of anger that was witnessed beforehand. I knew both the woman and her husband well enough to have heard stories that he was not such a great guy. He was psychologically abusive to the teenage daughter as well. I heard about how he would go into the laundry and take out soiled underwear when the girl had her period and hang them out on the line with the intent to embarrass her.

When someone is in an abusive relationship, they may realize that things aren’t how they should be, but they may fall into a pattern of learned helplessness. Learned helplessness happens in trauma bonding. It can happen when one partner has more financial power or more physical power or is able to psychologically intimidate and manipulate someone.

It can happen when life is unsteady and when the emotional climate can change suddenly, depending upon the mental state of the person who needs to have control. Children can develop this emotional state if they are raised in a situation where they are made to feel inept or never good enough, or if they witness abuse in the family.

When someone feels that things are hopeless or that there is nothing they have the power to change in their situation, or that they lack the tools to better their life, they can be experiencing a sense of learned helplessness. They have learned that they have no power and no voice and no choice in life. They end up learning to please others to keep life in balance.

It is said that feeling this way is one of the main reasons for depression. I think that is understandable.

The woman who I once knew who was in the abusive relationship ended up leaving…or perhaps she was forced to leave…a house she owned, leaving her child behind. By this time, she was already drinking heavily. She had no job and no way of supporting herself. At one point, she ended up living with someone in an apartment above a bar.

Could she have turned her life around? People in worse situations than her have done so. But she had learned that she was worthless and now she was very vulnerable. Family would not take her in because of her drinking. She saw no way out. She lived that way for years until she ended up in the hospital and at that time, did end up giving up the bottle and reconciling with family because she needed to stay with family in order to recuperate.

These psychological issues which can affect, and even ruin lives are often seen as the fault of the person who needs the most help. When these things happen within a relationship with a Narcissist, there is a double whammy. Support systems are cut off. Lies are told about the victim. Money can be cut off. The victim is blamed by those who believe the Narcissist’s charm and twisted version of the truth.

It’s a dark road of self-blame and depression with the whole world seemingly all too willing to mirror the disgust the victim sees in themself.

But this is something that many of us already know all too well. Because we have lived through it, in our lives and in the one place we thought we were safe…our church. And then when we go to seek help, we can’t find it. Because we were caught in something that we didn’t see at the time. So, we did stupid things. We cared. We made excuses for the person. We didn’t report what was going on. We let it continue. We knew that it was in our best interest to keep quiet.

But it wasn’t love that we felt for our Narcissistic abuser. And I call them that because it’s true. Our abuser felt they were entitled to abuse us. They were above the law. They felt smarter than us. They knew how to play the game so that they could make us lick their boots and have us thinking it was our idea. They could make everyone think that it was our idea. They could hold our jobs, our reputation, our feeling of safety, and our need for love, approval and belonging over our heads. They could terrorize us into behaving how they wanted us to behave. They could withhold their approval, or work benefits, or a status we enjoyed within the church community. They held the power. We learned helplessness because we had no power.

But, like some instances of rape, it can be hard to prove abuse legally sometimes when the victim appeared to have willingly participated in the crime. Or if they defended their abuser. Or if they continued to be in contact with the abuser. Or if they married their abuser.

And having to go through the humiliation of telling a legal person what you went through, only to have them tell you that you don’t have a case and that the person is going to get away with what they did…that can rip open the wound all over again as if it just happened to you.

Know that this does happen. Have a trusted friend help you through the legal process or help you get out of an abusive situation. And if you are alone with nowhere to turn, call a suicide hotline or other support hotline in your area for help. You don’t have to be actively suicidal to call the suicide hotline. If you are depressed, it can help greatly to talk to someone who will just listen. And it’s free. Or join a SNAP support group.

One of the most important things you can gain from reaching out for help is learning that having your soul trampled on by someone who does not have a soul, is not your fault. No matter how much abuse you put up with or how many “stupid” things you did and mistakes that you made because you couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

The next Abused as Adults on-line meeting will be held the first Sunday of July from 4pm to 6pm EST.

Be good to yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself first and foremost. And have a great week.

Posted on in abuse, Church too, clergy, Co-dependent, Priests, Trauma bond, trauma response

Smiling Faces Sometimes…

The following are stats for the month of May:

The top five countries to read this blog after the U.S. are: United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, Ireland and China. This blog now has 91 followers. Busiest time is Sunday at 6pm. Top five blogs so far this year are: In My Head, Clarity, Goodbye to Love, Guest Blog #6, and Reflections of My Life. Most people have never heard of the bill tracking site called “Where’s George” (I do it as a fun waste of time), Most people are now seeing a therapist and they feel that it is helping them to do so, the majority of readers said they plan to attend the SNAP Colorado conference on-line, and most of us are working on our Co-dependency issues.

I know that there are things that happened this past week. Disturbing things. Evil hurting innocents. I think what is even more disturbing is that at this point in time, mass shootings have become so common that we can only feel bad for the victims for a moment before the next one happens. And it becomes such a common thing to hear that we begin to tune it out and move on in order to be able to live our lives. The fact that children aren’t safe in school and that there is such evil that exists is a very sad commentary on the shape of our society.

The cowardness of evildoers is obvious. Going after the most vulnerable of people who have no means of defense ensures their sense of power and control. Just the week before the shooting at the elementary school, there was a shooting at a grocery store in Buffalo, NY where one of the victims was an 86-year-old woman. No way can an 86-year-old run quickly to hide. We tend to forget in all of the overwhelming news stories that this was someone’s mom maybe. Just out picking up a few items perhaps. Maybe her grandchild was coming over after school. Bravely going out risking getting infected by Covid. Never suspecting that a mask wasn’t going to be of any help that day. Any plans for life in the future cut short by someone who did not see her as a human being.

It affects us. It has to. We go on and live our lives because there is really nothing much we can do to help, and because we have to go on, but any progress we’ve made as far as feeling safe in our world probably takes a step back. We want to leave justice to our higher power and to those in positions of power on Earth. But some of us may doubt either or both for what seems to be their lack of involvement and action in protecting the innocent.

I was sent something recently which I watched regarding Narcissistic people. Remember that we all have egos and many if not all of us have some unresolved issues regarding being loved enough as children. Well, these days it seems that everyone wants to be recognized. Everyone seems to want their 15 minutes of fame. We see videos of little children who want to be influencers, before they can even grasp what that really means. But we get a kick out of the likes we receive, and the praise and the fame and perhaps the money. And I’m thinking that probably has a lot to do with the increase in violence we are seeing in our country.

Because even as children, we learn that even negative attention is still attention.

Also in the news is that Manson murderer Patricia Krenwinkel was granted parole on May 26, 2022. I was a kid when the murders took place in 1969, and due to the nature of the violence involved, and the fact that the group of Manson’s followers murdered people who were complete strangers to them on someone else’s orders, the details of that night are still horrific to this day.

Yet now that we have a better understanding of how grooming works and how the rollercoaster ride of manipulation…the giving and removing of praise and rewards/love…creates trauma bonds between the perpetrator and their victim, we can maybe understand more the vulnerable position this woman was in at the time. Perhaps we can relate a bit to her connection with a Narcissistic madman whose love and acceptance she grew to crave and need. And of the fear that would have been felt at the thought of losing that connection. As well as the barrier breakdown that was happening so that her own feelings of weakness and self-doubt bonded with that which she saw as strength until she could no longer think for herself.

The drugs and isolation would have contributed to these feelings. And the idea that this happens more often than we want to believe is scary as hell.

I’ve read children who grow up with Narcissists are more likely to fall into relationships with Narcissists. However, seeing how the Narc can be charming, and how they know just how to become everything a person has ever wanted or needed, who wouldn’t welcome their soul mate and best friend into their world? And who wouldn’t completely trust someone who recognized how special they were? Who wouldn’t feed upon the life-giving fuel of pure love?

Until it is snatched away, leaving the person starving and willing to do anything for a crumb. It is then that a person begins to put their Narcissistic partner before their own children, before the values they grew up with, before their financial and physical health, before their own dignity, and sometimes, before their own life. And it happens all the time.

This week, I began to read a book about healing and the body’s energy centers or Chakras. I just started to read this book, so I know very little about anything just yet. I have in the past worked with energy, participating in classes for Tai Chi and Chi Qigong, as well as working with Reiki. But I never actually looked into energy healing as in researching its history or why and how it works within the body.

I do know that I have come to a point in my life where I need to focus on myself and turn my attention inward. And that is what I will be doing for a while. I have stepped back a bit from my SNAP duties. I am suffering from burn out. Covid and world news has not helped. I have found that my well is dry and I need to replenish.

What this means is that I will no longer be doing weekly Abused as Adults meetings. I will be sharing hosting duties for a once a month Abused as Adults meeting with another SNAP leader. Right now, we are looking at the first Sunday of the month from 4pm to 6pm EST. Writing helps me heal so I will continue to work on the blog, although it may not be a regular weekly thing. I have a lot going on as far as family and changes and people needing me right now, so being tied to a regular schedule or even feeling responsible, is not something I’m craving at the moment.

I have been having some unsettling dreams lately. Last night, try as I might, I could not keep up with my co-workers in my dream, and I was in danger of being fired. It felt unfair because I felt that I worked harder than everyone else. Everyone else seemed to effortlessly get their work done with time to spare. Not me. I was sweating and struggling and still coming up short. My boss pulled me aside to counsel me. I felt panicked and like I would never fit in or be as good as the other workers.

I need to not be stressed out in my dream world. Perhaps some yoga might help.

We have talked about what we all do when we are upset or depressed and we need to put our minds into something we enjoy. We will see where this energy journey goes.

I read today about a doctor I once knew…back in the day when I was pregnant and visiting the obstetrician. This doctor had kidney failure and needed dialysis and a kidney transplant. He practiced what we call “Western Medicine”, but he also decided that he wasn’t just going to sit around and wait for things to be done to him. He was going to be an active participant in his health journey.

So, he meditated, and he visualized his body healing, and his family said that he radiated golden energy. I know I always liked him. He was part of the group I went to during both of my pregnancies. He continued to care for his patients, for whom he had a deep respect. He remained positive.

Unfortunately, he did pass away sooner than he should have, but his daughter feels that he lived longer than he would have otherwise if he focused on being a kidney patient. Instead, he saw himself as a person who just happened to have some kidney issues to take care of.

I have to say that I do believe that the mind has much to do with our health. I may have mentioned before that my mom had cancer back in 1995. She didn’t say anything to anyone, but the doctor had told her to get her things in order because she probably had about six months to live. My mom chose to focus instead on cleaning out her sister’s house after she passed away, and getting it sold. She then joined a dance group and did line dancing and then joined square dancing and many exercise classes during the week. She has just lived her life without counting the days. And she is still around now 27 years later.

Okay, she doesn’t meditate, and she hates candles and wouldn’t know a chakra if it hit her in the solar plexus, but she does eat well and she exercises. And every day, even if she feels like staying in bed, she gets up, makes her bed, lets the dog out, has breakfast, and does the crossword puzzle. So, yes, I’m going to be working on doing some of that.

Be good to yourself. You are worth it. Have a great week.

Posted on in abuse, Church too, Narcissists

Twist of Fate

Something a little different for the poll this week. Because we need a break from being serious.

I had a dream this past week about “my priest”. Not the first time I have dreamt about him. But usually, he is nearby or kind of in the background. In this dream, he was right there with me. It was disturbing.

It was not a scary dream so much. No threats or anything of that sort. What made it disturbing, was that I was sitting at a desk, counting money…my money…money I had just come into somehow. I was keeping track of it and counting and separating bills into piles.

And then, there he was, smiling and kind and friendly. Offering to help me count the money. And because he was kind and smiling and safe-looking…I let him help me. I let him in. I allowed him into my personal area of control and power and willingly gave him access. That was what was so disturbing.

What I felt about this dream was not that I was in imminent danger from the priest himself…but more about what the whole thing represented. I read that there are more Narcissists in this world than we know. I believe it was something like 5% of the population or something like that. That means, if there are about 330,000,000 people living in America, we have about 16,500,000 Narcissists living among us. To give you an idea of how many people that actually is…that is about twice the population of New York City.

It doesn’t matter how accurate this is down to the exact number. What matters is that we are aware that there are a large number of people who exist who may appear to be charming and helpful and trustworthy, who are in actuality anything but.

In the Albany diocese, there was announced this week the name of a new credibly accused priest. Father Gregory Weider. One of Father Weider’s assignments over the years was that of Boy Scout Chaplain from 1972 through 1980. Then Father Weider was elected to Associate National Chaplain from 1980 to 1986.

By the time abuse from those in power comes to light, many times, the abusers have left an abundance of broken people in their rear-view mirror. Good, sensitive, caring people, now broken because they trusted the wrong person. And it’s so easy to fall into that trap. So very easy to want to get along with someone and to not have conflict with them. Easy to choose what at first seems comfortable and safe. In no way am I minimizing the need for the feeling of security and belonging we as human beings crave. We are all vulnerable. We all have egos and needs for physical comfort and safety…especially if we are in charge of the needs of children or if we have physical or emotional disabilities.

What especially scares me about the number of Narcissists that we are probably underestimating, is the number of their supporters. For every Narcissist, how many people are backing them or are too afraid to say anything? It’s a scary thing when you think about it. How different are those people who protect the Narcissist from the victims of the Narcissist? Weren’t we all believers at one time? Didn’t we at one time feel a bond or a protectiveness towards the abuser ourselves? Yes, there are people who may be in a more vulnerable state, but nobody can say that it can’t happen to them.

Something discussed this week among survivors was the feeling of detachment and a concern about that. A feeling that perhaps we should be feeling something more than we do about sad occurrences in our world or even good things. A kind of dullness of emotions.

Not being able to diagnose anyone, and each case being different, I can’t say exactly what is going on. I can say that what I have noticed is a shortening of my attention span, and I think a lot of that has to do with the instantaneous nature of that world in which we live.

When I was younger, I was an avid reader. I read Catch-22, Shogun, Gone With the Wind, all of Stephen King’s books as soon as they came out….including one of my favorites…”The Stand”. But I’m noticing a lack of patience these days. Those books that I mentioned are all pretty lengthy. Most if not all of them are over 1000 pages long. But I devoured them. Hours of just me and a book. Heaven.

But how long does it take me to read a book now? A long time. I started to try to read a new book last night…”The Poisonwood Bible”. It began with beautiful prose. “What a talented writer,” I thought. But it began to drag after a couple of pages and lost my interest. Normally I push on to try to get a good, solid start to gain interest. I couldn’t do it. I just was not interested in reading about someone eating crumbs by a river for lunch while some animal watched them. No danger involved. It was just lunch in the jungle for the family of a Baptist minister.

I could just feel that the next chapter was going to involve painting their abode and waiting for it to dry. I looked at the book ratings. People seemed to either love the book or they felt the same way I did. I didn’t feel like spending my time on it, so I put it in a bag for Goodwill.

My feeling is that we are generally less patient these days than we used to be. And I think that has to do with the fact that we can get instant gratification in so many ways.

Do you ever remember being bored when you were a kid? I do. I remember being painfully bored. At the risk of sounding like a Baby Boomer with our three channels on TV and if you missed a show, you had to wait for Summer re-runs, there was a truth to that. If you missed something, or if friends were away on vacation, you had to fill the time somehow with whatever you had. And there was no instantaneous gratification. There were no games of Solitaire on-line. There was no such thing as binge-watching show after show. TV went off at 2 am and if you were still awake, there was nothing else to do but read. No going on-line to read the news or text friends. No posting pictures on Facebook. No blogs to write.

I’m not saying this to prove that the old days were better. I think that with everything, there is a good and a bad side. Back then, I would have read that book that today seems too boring to take the time for today. And there were no on-line reviews to check. I would have read the book because there was simply nothing else to do. Nothing else to distract me. No shows recorded to watch later. No You Tube videos to view. No songs for Alexa to play for me. No phone to check habitually.

In other words…no distractions. Just focus. Concentration. And very little choice. Sometimes fewer choices is better. At least for the decision making part of our brain, anyway.

Another issue we face in our world today is constant bombardment of news. Many years ago, we either watched the news at night, or read the newspaper to see what was going on in the world around us. We heard about major news in the world, but we did not get up close and personal…sometimes uncomfortably so. We didn’t get detailed descriptions of war across the world popping up in our news feed on the hour. We would hear things like, “the war continues and the dead now total 2,550”. There were assassinations, but we weren’t able to pull up the autopsy photos for a closer look.

We were aware of things going on in the world, but we were also aware of what was going on around us. We were unplugged for most of the time. I think, more physically in touch with those around us. We actually had to sit across from someone and see them or listen to their voice on the phone.

So, if we wonder why we feel a bit flat emotionally, perhaps our plugged-in world, our shortened attention span, too many choices and needing something to catch our attention immediately before we give it our time, lack of personal connection to other people, and feeling overwhelmed by too many negative details from around the world, may be part of the reason. I think we grow brain-numb. Is it any wonder why we can’t feel excitement when we see a little bit of good news, or sadness when learning of the death of a friend we have not seen in many years?

Maybe we need to unplug. I wonder if any of us could go back to living like it was 1972 for a week. Call instead of text. Only read local news. Only watch what is on (regular) tv at the time. Only use our phone to make phone calls. And in that same line, call a friend to keep in touch and see how they are doing and if they need anything. I’m willing to bet that we could rewire our brain a bit by giving it a little less screen time and more time for reflection and thoughts and perhaps a bit of reading or creativity.

Anyone with any other ideas, we’d be happy to hear them, I’m sure. Have a great week, everyone.

Posted on in abuse, Adults, clergy, Narcissists, Priests, Spiritual Growth

I Can Help

Recently there have been instances where we as SNAP volunteers were unable to help those who had sought our help.

When this happens, it is because what we as peer supports can offer as far as support, is often limited. We are not legal advisors. We are not trained therapists. We have experience as far as our own abuse goes, and experience as far as life experiences and what we have found helpful…or not helpful…as far as moving ahead with our stories and reporting goes. But we are limited in the help that we can offer.

For instance, there are times when we cannot give as much help as a trained therapist or a doctor who can prescribe antidepressants or antianxiety meds if they are needed. And while some people do accompany others when they go to speak before the bishop, or they may have heard of a good lawyer that they can recommend, we are not legal assistants. We do not sign papers that are made out to deliberately trick anyone in the church, nor do we lie for anyone or get involved in anything illegal.

Also, sometimes people who are hurting will strike out at the hand that tries to help. We too are survivors and have suffered abuse. As much as we want to help people, we have to help ourselves heal first. That means that we don’t accept abuse of any kind. That includes trying to take over running a meeting, interrupting someone to try to control their narrative, twisting the rules, imposing their own rules on a leader or peer member, or name calling, or insults.

As I said, we are not legal assistants or therapists, although we do listen to people who need to talk, and we do help where we can if someone is afraid to go alone to seek help. Sometimes we can suggest therapists or lawyers in a certain area. The best thing to do if looking for help in a particular city or state, is to check out the SNAP website to see who your nearest contact person is and see if they can help you with a suggestion or two.

SNAP has Zoom meetings for various groups and various areas and cities. There is the Women’s group, the Men’s group, the Abused as Adults group, LGBTQ group, Abused by Nuns group, Orthodox Christian group, Lutheran group, Families Supporting Loved Ones group, and more. If for some reason, someone is really uncomfortable with being in a Zoom meeting or in a meeting with people who may trigger their anxieties, it’s possible that there is either a need for another group (but remember we need volunteers to lead) or it may be best to seek help outside of SNAP for the time being.

Also, please remember that being in a meeting does not mean that you need to speak. You can remain silent and listen to others. That can be very helpful. Especially in the beginning. Also, as long as you have been interviewed by the meeting leader, you don’t have to show your face. What is not encouraged is for anyone to share the link to the meeting with anyone and inviting them to join without having them email or talk to the group leader. While we are all about having survivors share the information available to other survivors, it is best if group leaders know who they are ahead of time.

In the news: Appellate ruling rejects Albany diocese’s efforts to keep pedophile priests’ records secret, Irish priest appointed to senior Vatican role investigating abuse

The SNAP conference will be held in Denver Colorado. Registration is $100. Rooms are $129 a night. The conference runs from 7 PM on Friday, July 22 through Noon on Sunday, July 24. Covid safety guidelines will be observed.

This week’s suggestions from other SNAP survivors include watching the show, “The Color of Care” on the Smithsonian Channel, and a recommendation of Pennsylvania lawyer Kristen Gibbons-Feben, who we were told, is looking for complex sexual abuse cases. We were told by a survivor who has retained her, that she practices in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

This past week, I watched a documentary entitled, “Girl 27”. This was the story of Patricia Douglas, who was a dancer and a movie extra at MGM, who, in 1937, along with 119 other young women, were told to dress up in costume and show up to be in a movie. When they got to the place where they were told to go, each being given a number next to their name on a list…Douglas being “Girl 27”, they all found that instead of shooting a movie, they were to be the entertainment for a convention that MGM was holding. The convention consisted of a group of over 200 men, who, along with being given over 500 cases of scotch and champagne, were told to just enjoy themselves and to do whatever they wanted.

Patricia, who did not drink alcohol, had alcohol forced down her throat, and of course, ended up being raped by one of the men at the convention. The aftermath of her brutal attack, including her swollen eyes as she was also slapped and beaten for resisting, was witnessed by a security guard.

Douglas bravely tried to prosecute her attacker. The security guard was told he would have a job for life at MGM if he lied on the stand, which he did. MGM was a powerful force. Douglas was slandered in every way possible. In addition to being called every name in the book, and having her reputation ruined, they also made fun of her looks and asked who would seriously want her. Her life was ruined. She would go on to marry a couple of times and she had a daughter, but she was unable to live. She was alive until the age of 86, but she had no friends and was unable to raise her daughter. A virgin when the rape occurred, she said she was never able to have a normal physical relationship ever again.

She was very brave to come forward as she knew what would happen to her. Another woman who came forward saying she was also attacked that night, ended her own life some years down the road. She married and had children but was badly scarred emotionally.

I guess this is a reminder that we have come a bit further since 1937 but not a heck of a lot further. I think we all think of the casting couch when we think of early movie stars. Some people think it was quid pro quo. They gave and they were rewarded for it. A simple business transaction. But that’s not how it was at all. Those who know how power can corrupt and how those in power can abuse those without power, know things have not changed all that much. We also know there are still people who choose to look the other way to hold onto their jobs.

I also read some more. Same book. Different chapter. This week, I read about how…and this we know…people don’t go through life without loss and troubles. And there are many things that happen to people…to us…that is simply not our fault. For instance, all of the things we cannot control, such as our physical attributes. The people who leave us, whether through death or because they choose to walk out of our lives, as well as who is in our family and who our parents are. Bad things can happen to us in our lives, and we didn’t ask for them to happen. People can hurt us, and they can hurt the people we care about.

This week, I read that while things that happen to us are not our fault, what we choose to do about it, is our responsibility. Responsibility is not the same thing as fault. Being responsible for our actions after the fact is not the same as taking the blame for what happened.

That is really a deep thought to get lost into. Because when something traumatic happens in our lives, we often blame ourselves for some part of it. Or we blame someone else. Because someone has to be to blame. Blame has to be pinned on someone. That’s just how it goes. But are we truly responsible for what we choose to do when we are suffering from PTSD and not in a healthy state of mind? I get the concept. And I agree with it to an extent. If we are suffering from an illness or an emotional state that we get stuck in, or if we find ourselves unable to quit an addiction, we should be responsible enough to seek help. But we are also human. And being human means that decisions and feelings aren’t always black and white and clear cut with boundaries and instructions. It’s not always an easy fix and it’s somewhat dependent upon getting someone who is competent to help us.

Those are also issues that we cannot control.

But it doesn’t mean that because we are hurting or because we have been short-changed in life that should give us a license to not try at all or to use it as an excuse to be angry and to blame everyone for your problems. There is a difference. Being angry at what happened is healthy and normal. But there is a point where we choose to feel angry at everyone and where it’s just easier to blame everyone than to do the work on yourself to heal. And I guess that is the part where we become responsible. Not to become fully healed or perfect or to get over anything completely. But to take responsibility for your life from here forward. The rest of the world only looks like they have it all together. Nobody is better than anyone else.

So, I don’t entirely agree with the author because I think traumas can change us and rewire us and that can make it difficult to function. But ideally, it is good to aim for taking responsiblity for the next step, even if it takes years to get to the next step and even if we keep failing. To be able to accept failure in ourselves is a good thing. To truly accept and to be okay with it, that is.

I also read some inspirational quotes that I loved. This is paraphrased…things that can be true at the same time: Your parents did the best job they could raising you, and some of the things they did wounded you. You can love someone and at the same time know that it is not healthy to keep them in your life. You want healthy relationships and unhealed trauma is making that difficult. You are terrified to take the next step, but you know that it is the right thing to do.

I liked that. I think I liked it because it kind of takes blame away from yourself and others. I know people hate this saying but….sometimes it just is what it is and we are just left dealing with it.

I’d like to end this week with something someone sent me. I found this so inspiring and right on point. Sometimes someone else can say it better than you ever could. So here is something from Any Nordhues. https://youtu.be/5yvLXhLt7bg

Have a wonderful week.

Posted on in abuse, Church too, clergy, Trauma bond

Goodbye To Love

I’ve been pretty sick this past week. Actually, not sure if I caught something new or if the old bug got worse. I got coughed on by a two-year-old. So, my emotions were all over the map last week.

It’s really an amazing thing when the body gets sick. We get to witness how the body fights off an intruder that has gotten inside of us. There are certain signs that the physical body is sick. The temperature goes up. The oxygen levels can go down. A cough develops. For me, there was loud wheezing that was quite alarming along with the warning to go to the emergency room if things didn’t get better after taking antibiotics. And then, there were the side effects of the drugs being used to help cure my afflictions.

The worst of these were insomnia and the emotional toll the body’s defenses were taking on my mind. And those were followed by finally passing out into a state of dreams that can only be described as something you’d find down the rabbit hole. Dreams may be odd, but they can sometimes give you a good snapshot of what is going on inside of yourself.

In one dream, for instance, I literally found myself sharing a bathroom with a bunch of people I didn’t know. People who left a horrid mess for me to clean before I could take care of my own needs. In the dream, I walked out and refused to use the bathroom, even though I was told in the dream that that was where I had been assigned to live. I tried to escape by using the phone to call people I knew but found that I could not remember any phone numbers. My only hope for escape came from a man who offered a way out but with a cost. He would take care of me, and some others, but we never really knew when what he offered us was real or another game. I was hungry and he gave me plastic food.

It’s funny…what was my mind seeing was happening? And this was a physical issue.

Last week, survivor-wise, was a mixed bag of emotions. There was what I consider having been a pretty decent conversation about the connection between sexual abuse as a child and our mixed-up beliefs as we grow up into adults. I’m not sure what normal is as far as growing up into a “normal” human being. But I can understand things that cause conflict in our being.

When something that is supposed to bring us comfort or other good feelings is contiguous on our feeling twisted and uncomfortable and self-sacrificing, dangerous, “icky”, “gross”, weird, wrong, or shameful…it’s going to be hard to pry all of those feelings apart just because we’ve gotten older and perhaps found a partner that is considered a real adult match for us.

Whatever feelings get stuck in our heads most likely transfer to any and all of our adult sexual relationships. Those feelings, and whatever logic we have been taught, along with the relationships of those around us growing up, can form our sense our what we believe a sexual partnership looks like, good or bad.

When we see how our bodies react when a germ invades us or how our minds react to illness when we have vivid and strange dreams, we can maybe begin to understand how our minds and bodies also have reactions to both emotional turmoil, and trauma bonds that are created when we are young.

We don’t always see the connection. So, we blame ourselves instead for having issues with relationships. I mentioned how I saw a video of my dad having lunch with my mom and his sister and cousin about 30 years ago when he was still walking and getting around on his own. There was audio so I could hear the conversation. My dad has been gone for 14 years now, and my body immediately became tuned into his voice and demeaner.

I knew exactly how many drinks he had by the way he was talking. And where anyone else in a social situation thought he was the life of the party. I cringed. I knew what was coming. Didn’t matter that it was 30 years ago or that I love my father or that he was a wonderful man in many ways and that I know he loved me. None of that mattered.

I was transported in time. I was a kid. I was sick to my stomach. Nervous. Darkness was going to fall over the house. I would sit in hypervigilance. My body remembered.

No, he never touched me. He never laid a hand on anyone. But when he drank, he became someone I knew well but did not know at all. So, I never knew.

And we think that nobody else sees or hears anything. I used to think that we were sealed inside of our house, and nobody could hear or see what happened beyond the walls. And we looked normal. I think. Nobody ever said anything to me. And of course, it was “normal”. But I know people must have heard my dad when he was angry.

Everyone had a “normal” childhood. Normal for them. But then we grow up and we find that we don’t attract “normal”…or we are looking for normal in a world where we are carrying a map that only has one-way streets.

I’ve had conversations with people about things like this recently. Again…what makes us appear to be easy marks to predators? Tone of voice for one. I said to some people recently…just listen to your tone of voice. Become aware of how you do or do not project your own voice. How confident do you sound?

Of course, there I am, trying to help, trying to motivate….and how do I end my own statement of “let’s march to the mountain and take on the world?”

Oh, heck…what do I know anyway? I swear I said that. I don’t know. You don’t have to listen to me. I’m nobody really. I’m no better than anyone.

No. We all know…or feel…something. I don’t tell anyone what to do. I tell them how I feel. I feel that if the church made you feel bad that you don’t go back there when you are even more vulnerable and look for someone that is going to make it all better for you. I feel…that God…or whoever is your higher power…can take it if you want to scream “Where have you been, you good for nothing, S.O.B.?” I know. Hard for me even to type that. But liberating, no?

I’ve been there. Anger at God. Then…”Oh, I am so sorry, God.” It’s a downward spiral of self-flagellation that really serves no purpose whatsoever. The big guy is not going to crumble because you scream some curse words at him. And I don’t believe in Hell. Taking that off the table helps, too.

Still, I myself have had a difficult time emotionally since I have been sick, this past week or two. And it’s not like things are getting to me like horrible things like my foot got caught in a bear trap. It’s more like I stubbed my toe. And it’s getting to me because I can’t handle it. Why? I mean, I know for sure, I cannot take any more world news coming at me. I just can’t.

So many horrible things out of our control. You know what I did this week? I sent two dozen tulips to an elderly neighbor. Okay, I am not tooting my own horn. It made me feel good for a change. I actually was supposed to visit and bring her dinner. I have not had the chance. I sent flowers. Her son was very grateful. I got feedback. I touched a life. I didn’t save anyone or cure anything. In fact, I think if anything, I probably infected a bunch of people. But my point is…we still have the power to bring joy to this world.

I’m still reading the same book from last week by Mark Manson. Did you know that for thirty years after World War II, a small band of Japanese soldiers lived in the jungles of the Philippines, continuing to fight for their country? Even when leaflets were dropped trying to notify them that the war was over and they needed to go home, they refused to believe that it wasn’t a trick, and they stayed there…all but one of them…until they eventually passed away. The one lone soldier who was left was eventually tracked down by another Japanese citizen who wanted to see if he was still out there. The two men became friends, and the soldier trusted his countryman enough to go back to Japan.

When asked if it hadn’t been difficult all those years, living in the jungle, the soldier denied that it had been hard to do so, as he had been doing it for a cause he believed in. It was not the jungle that was difficult…it was returning to his native country to see that the country he had loved and fought for had changed and that what he had been fighting for no longer really existed. That realization was the hard part. The fact that it had all been for nothing. Times had changed. There was no old regime and way of life to defend. He was no longer a soldier, but a curiosity. And yet, he did not regret one moment of the time he had spent fighting for and defending, what he believed in.

The point? Perhaps that pain is relative. It’s not painful if it means something to you. I will leave it like that and not say that I would have left after the first leaflets were dropped.