Have You Seen Me Lately

Before I begin, I want to share that in Albany, NY, there is a bill gaining momentum in the state legislature aimed at making it easier for adult survivors of sexual assault and abuse to file lawsuits. This bill comes about due to society beginning to recognize sexual abuse and the abuse of power.

This is huge. Things are beginning to happen. Can you imagine what would happen if people began coming forward? Just the recognition alone.

I heard Governor Cuomo, who is under scrutiny at this time for abuse of power and sexual harassment, say that making someone uncomfortable is not sexual harassment…..that is just how the person feels and has nothing to do with the actions of the alleged harasser. It’s just that you can’t take a joke. Loosen up a bit.

I read once that sexual harassment can deeply affect a person and create PTSD.

What does PTSD feel like? How does it manifest itself? Once I went camping. I had to get to a telephone quickly to call my son. My friend lent me her bike. I hadn’t been on a bike in years. I am short. She is tall. The bike was too big for me. I still tried to ride it. I ended up going face first into the blacktop on the road. I broke my wrist and my front teeth.

I went to the dentist and got my teeth fixed. I went to the ortho guys and got my arm splinted up and in no time at all, you couldn’t tell that anything had happened to me.

On the outside.

On the inside, though…..my brain thought it still needed to protect me. Night after night I would dream that something was coming at me and was going to hit me. Night after night I would wake up suddenly in a panic. I no longer feared the accident as much as I began to fear the dream it seemed that I could no longer control.

Then one night, when the dream came, I told myself within the dream that I was dreaming. Don’t ask me how. But on that night, when something came flying at my face, I was able to catch it before it hit me.

The dreams ended then as quickly as they had started. Had I resolved some issue? I don’t remember. I was just glad it was over. It had been exhausting waking up gasping like someone had just punched me.

So PTSD can linger. It can be triggered. When asked if I wanted to see my predator priest face to face I said no. Because it’s not just the words or what eventually happened that can send me hurling backward. It’s how it made me feel about myself.

I was talking to some adult survivors at our weekly meeting and we had a nice talk about so many feelings we had in common.

When someone compliments you, it makes you feel good. A kiss can flood your brain with endorphins. But when you have a voice inside that tells you that you shouldn’t be feeling good or that you shouldn’t stick around for the kiss, there is no reward. No immediate payoff. It kinda sucks. Nobody wants to feel like they are missing out on a reward.

So I hear people say, “I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know why I did that. It was wrong.” Don’t “should” on yourself. Stop it. We are human. We are programmed to want to be rewarded.

Well, you can’t move forward by kicking yourself over and over for something you can’t change. You can destroy yourself in doing that, though.

Someone asked me tonight how it feels to go to mass and to see “my” priest. I explained that I don’t. He only said mass at the diocesan building where I worked. I was fired. I was escorted from the building. I assume that means I’m not welcome to go visit. I was told never to contact him. That was the best thing that could ever have happened. I hear so many people still stuck with mixed emotions because of close proximity to the church or going to mass and seeing their abuser.

Along with not blaming yourself, get far away from the situation. No contact. You cannot get back at or even with your abuser. Trying to hurt them back in any way is most likely going to end up causing you harm. I’m not saying to let it go. I’m saying to get away from them. Put distance between you and them

We’ve talked about Narcissistic abuse and maybe a little about co-dependency. We have discussed power and the draw that it holds. But there is something we really haven’t talked about. And you may not like it.

It kind of goes like this….don’t depend upon someone else to love you. They have their own issues. I have some close friends. One I can tell almost anything to. The other one is fun to hang out with but it doesn’t get much deeper than that and I’ve accepted that because the friendship is important and I know she has emotional limits.

For some of us, especially those of us who hate conflict, the appeal of love-bombing and the all-loving acceptance and handing over the reigns to someone else and just going along with it….is like a little bubble of heaven. Just stick me to someone else and we will never have any problems because I will never say anything and I will just iron and make cheesecake.

Trust me, this does not work. But it does feel promising. And it really really really seems like the right thing to do when you feel the need to walk on eggshells around someone. And we all know that someone. Somewhere.

Woman have been raised generally to smile and to say we are fine. We are afraid of being a bitch. We accept behavior that makes us feel uncomfortable because we don’t want to cause trouble for anyone. And we don’t want to make things more uncomfortable.

We mistake expressing feelings for being an unpleasant person. We try to take care of someone else. We try to control relationships. We are afraid of losing someone. Or of losing people we love. Or losing our job. So we say nothing.

And when you are talking about a predator who targets vulnerabilities, it is never the victim’s fault.

And I never feel that we should blame ourselves. Guilt and shame and self-blame are destructive and do nothing good. We all need to relearn the bad habits we have been taught.

It’s not easy to express feelings. It can be scary. It’s something that I will be learning how to do for the rest of my life. Because you always run the risk of failure. Hurt. Pain. Rejection. The end of a relationship. But unless you are willing to let go of someone who is not good for you, and to accept being alone fully, you will always look to someone else for your source. And that makes you vulnerable to abuse.

In all fairness, it can be dangerous in this world of ours to openly speak your mind. But I’m not advocating slugging anyone. Pay attention to your feelings. Respect your feelings. Express feelings without attacking anyone.

Governor Cuomo says that he is not responsible for how his actions are perceived by another. Okay, but who’s going to tell the governor not to touch them? When someone has the power, there is a power differential. When you are dealing with a person who can use their power to hurt you if they don’t get the response they feel entitled to, trust me, it can be like the devastation of a tornado and you are disposable. So you smile and say that you are fine.

Practice self-forgiveness and self-advocating. Allow your feelings. Let go. Move forward. Be not afraid.

Have a wonderful and safe week.

The Circle Game

First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to all. I am very fortunate to have my mom still around and one of my sons dropped off flowers and I heard from my other two as well. I kind of adopted an adult relative so I consider him a son too as he has no other family. I even heard from my ex-husband which I thought was nice and what I think all fathers of children should do for those children’s mothers….as it shows respect. In a perfect world, anyway. I wonder what he wants….

You know, we have survived the abuse of a trusted religious leader and the fallout abuse from those who helped with the coverup of the crime. I say “survived” meaning if you are reading this, you are alive. So what now?

Who comes into your inner circle on a daily basis? So many people who have been abused by clergy have known abuse their whole lives. Some go on to become abusers themselves. Others never learn how to survive in this world. We are all broken in some way.

As I said last time, we tend to not see people as they are but as we are. As we try to get along with others and understand who they are and what we have in common, we may make assumptions to streamline the process. First impressions. We see someone through our own colored glasses.

Sometimes we may assume that we have something in common with a person because we have gone through similar experiences or because we like the same things but then find that is where the similarity ends.

Within my own family there are stark differences. If you are an artist who grows up in a family that values money and ambition over everything else, you may end up not valuing yourself for who you are or downplaying the importance of what you enjoy. Or you may find that trying to talk to a family member is like talking to someone from another planet. There is just no common ground for understanding each other and you see things in totally different ways.

You may think that as survivors, we all share the same mindset. In truth, some of us have healed more than others. Our religious views, though perhaps similar, can greatly affect our healing process. Our different upbringing and past experiences may be different as well.

Some people turn to mood altering substances. That too, can affect healing. I once read that if someone uses a mood altering substance to get them through a tough time, that they never really process those emotions and they get stuck. I don’t know. I have lived on the outside of that issue. Or should I say the perimeter.

And living on the perimeter tends to make you feel angry and resentful. And you stop trying to find common ground.

But when you are working with a survivor who has substance abuse issues, you have to let your own past experience go and be non-judgmental. And you need to try to relate. That’s easier to do when you are not personally involved with a person.

The reason I bring that up is because we all have sub-sections in our lives. Areas that don’t match others. And when we can’t relate to someone else’s struggle, we can sometimes become judgmental. We as survivors can relate to being judged and found morally bankrupt by others.

It’s not always easy to accept someone else’s imperfections and not reject the entire person. And it’s not always easy to understand something we have not been through.

But every once in awhile the lines get crossed and we can see. Just like being on the receiving end of abuse from the priest and the system in place for coverup at the diocese allowed me to see the corruption within the priesthood, something that once happened to my younger son allowed me a glimpse into how I live in a world of white privilege.

When my son was a teenager, he was hanging out with a group of his friends from high school and he asked one of them who had a car to take him to his job at Wendy’s so he could pick up his paycheck. Of the probably five guys in the car, my son was the only white kid.

The Wendy’s where my son worked was located outside of the main city limits. So….different police unit. A police unit that obviously found a car full of black teenage guys pulling into a Wendy’s parking lot suspicious for some reason.

As my son’s friend parked the car, they all saw a police car had pulled in behind them. These guys were not just about keeping an eye on things. They had their guns drawn. At my son and his friends.

At my son and his friends.

At MY SON.

They were told to get out of the car and asked what their business was. In a Wendy’s parking lot. Seriously.

How easy it would be to say this was somebody else’s problem had my son not had a gun pointed at him. Teenagers. Mouthy. Stupid. Teenage boys. This could have gone so very wrong. I imagine they must have been terrified. I didn’t hear about this until years later.

That’s scary stuff. And that’s why when we find we can’t relate to someone who doesn’t entirely “fit” into our circle for one reason or another because we don’t have the same issues, it’s important to respect their struggle.

We can’t like everyone. We don’t have to even. But when it comes to SNAP groups and life in general, even if we can’t relate or if we can’t find anything in common or if you feel someone causes their own problems or you wouldn’t want to be someone’s friend, everyone has a backstory and everyone faces their own heartaches and challenges.

I know that acceptance is kind of confusing when we are trying to set up boundaries. And I’m not suggesting a blanket “love everyone” mindset. You don’t have to give a second thought to anyone who treats you with disrespect. But I am suggesting that rarely is something totally somebody else’s problem. We all live in this world and we are all connected in some way.

Put up your boundaries for people and things that would harm you. But keep your mind open to people and things who seem different from yourself as you may have more in common than you think.

Diamonds and Rust

I have heard it said that until you learn a lesson, it will keep repeating.

Let me be clear, I’m not blaming anyone for what was done to them. What I am saying is….do you ever ask yourself why a certain something always seems to happen to you?

I have also heard that if you don’t love yourself, you will keep attracting people around you who don’t love you either. And I am pretty sure that knowing that and doing something about it are two different things.

For instance, I know the thoughts I have that get me into trouble. They come automatically and because they are presented to my conscious mind from somewhere deep within, I’m thinking these thoughts reflect the truth. So then feeling gets involved. Especially if I try to ignore thought. Feeling keeps poking thought into action. Thought might say…it didn’t work last time. But feeling will answer….yes, but this is different.

I also heard the saying that we don’t see people as they are. We see people as we are.

So when that priest or whoever seems to care about us, or when it becomes a game of puzzles that we are supposed to solve and that makes you feel so connected a secret that only the two of you share, endorphins may start to fire off and emotion wants more of that.

And emotion may want to silence thought or convince thought that it’s confused because thought can block fantasy who has now danced into the picture to fill in the gaps and emotion loves fantasy.

Ego wants to take center stage now because it’s heard that someone wants to know all about the self and it’s thrilled. Especially if it hasn’t put on its tap shoes and put on a show for anyone in a long time because of loneliness. Loneliness has put ego on the shelf where it has grown dusty and covered in rust.

Endorphins, connection, emotion, fantasy, ego and loneliness. They get strummed like strings on a guitar by a master player. Thought and its friend, logic can yell all they want, and are sometimes heard over the noise of the party. But if question comes along, it will be met at the door by the bouncers…..blame and gaslighting.

We get played and we feel the fool. And then we are afraid because somehow we didn’t protect ourselves. We believed. We needed that love-bombing. We must be so weak and pathetic.

We are victims and we feel as stupid and vulnerable as we did when we were four years old and wanted to hang out with our big brother and his friends and they made you do something stupid because you didn’t know any better.

And like that child who trusted because they wanted to belong and to be liked, we were deliberately tricked into thinking that we weren’t enough. That in order to be good enough to keep receiving praise and acceptance, we had to be somehow better than we were and if we had someone telling us that we weren’t worth it…someone who once told us down to our soul that we were better than we believed ourselves to be….then we will do anything to prove that we are worthy.

Anyway, that’s how at the age of 3 or 4, I ended up with my underwear around my ankles in the middle of a circle of older boys snickering and basically doing what they called “playing doctor” in order to join their club and get to hang out with them.

Anyway, I had been triggered like that before and since. And I have discovered that my thoughts have a very interesting conversation with my emotions. It goes something like this:

Did that person mean something by that? I think they may have. (Women are especially good at this unspoken game) Well it certainly sounded like they were flirting. You know, word play. Oh, that is clever. I like clever. I think I’m supposed to do something. Am I supposed to do something? What am I supposed to do? What if I don’t do anything and they stop giving me attention? I don’t want that to happen. I like feeling special. I am special, right? I mean, they think so, right? Didn’t they kind of say that? Oh, I’m so stupid. Why would they like me? Wait, look at the way they just looked at me. They do like me. What do I do now? I mean, what if I do something and they think I’m inappropriate? Or worse yet, I get rejected? Oh, I’m stupid, stupid, stupid. I don’t even know what real love is supposed to look like. Other people are better at this. They seem to know what they are doing. Maybe they just need a sign from me that I like them too. Oh, look, it worked. They winked and then they walked out the door. That means they like me, right? Oh, I can’t wait until we can get together and tell each other how we feel.

Alright that was embarrassing. But when thoughts bump into emotion, things can get a little crazy. This isn’t just about romantic relationships…this can be for friendship, family….whatever. When I look at all the self talk above, I can summarize it a bit.

I may not have a great track record and I don’t know what someone else is thinking or feeling. If they throw out crumbs…like a wink here or….well, you know….and we eagerly catch them for fear of losing the crumbs, it’s not a good situation. Also, if we should begin to make excuses for when the crumbs are constant but there’s not a cookie in sight, that is not a good situation. And if you should feel the need to be a caretaker or to save someone or if you are doing 90% of anything to keep it alive…..that is not a good situation.

I know that might sound obvious, but that is where I have gotten hung up in the past. And I am sure many other people can relate as well.

It can also be found under constructing boundaries and putting your own needs before the needs of someone else. Isn’t that selfish, you ask? Oh, how Catholic of you, I answer. No. it’s necessary. That is where you start.

Again, we all don’t have emotional abuse or alcoholism or incest or mental illness in our backgrounds. But we can all get misled and mistake drama for love. And we can get hooked on drama. And crumbs. And it’s damn hard to stop once you start. Once you start saving someone or taking care of them before yourself. Or having fantasy fill in the details that someone needs saving or is having emotional issues. Or reasons why they can’t love you back fully so you need to pick up the yoke and start pulling to show just how strong your love is.

Love is not about handing someone else the controls.

This Little Light of Mine

It’s been quite a number of years now since my ex-husband and I woke up in one of the bedrooms of a rustic lake cabin that belonged to the parents of one of his friends. A lot of partying had gone on the night before. We were young then. I was 24 at the time and he was 25. These were his friends we had stayed with…mostly guys. One of my friends had come along because she like the guy who owned the cabin. There had been lots of beer and cigarettes and I’m sure there had been some pot…and porn. There were probably about ten of us there that night.

I think I had gone to bed soon after they broke out the porn so I was one of the first ones out of bed the next morning. The place was a mess. Ashtrays piled high. Beer cans and bottles littered every surface. Plates with old food stuck on them anywhere but in the sink. So I did what I was always programmed to do….start cleaning up. But it wasn’t long before one of our friends got up as well and told me to let it go and sit down with him to play a video game for just a bit. Sounded good to me, so I did.

We had not been playing for ten minutes when the rest of the crew decided to rise and shine. Though it was not late in the morning, for some reason, my ex had a bug in his bonnet….might have been because his mother was watching our kids and he got very anxious about things when it came to his mother….and he decided that now that he was up, it was time to get going. He pretty much demanded that I stop what I was doing immediately and hop to it.

Someone threw up a protest….may have been me….may have been his friend….I’m thinking it was his friend….just let us finish this game, we will be done soon.

Well, he (my ex) blew his stack. Remember now, he had just gotten out of bed pretty much and went from taking a slurp of black coffee to helping everyone pack up. Whether he was jealous that I was playing a game with his friend, or anxious that his mother would not want to watch the kids one minute later than planned, I’ll never know. He was pretty much always short on conversation and big on blame. All I know is that words came flying out of his mouth that pretty much stopped everyone in their tracks.

Pick this place up! Make the bed! You are f’ing lame!

I wanted to walk out and get into the car and drive home and leave him there. But for one thing, we were kind of out in the middle of I don’t know where and this was before GPS. And I knew getting him angrier wasn’t going to help anything. So I stopped playing the game and made our bed and continued to clean up after the party so the guys could finish their packing and go outside to hang out. I do remember hanging out and more people coming over so, I guess we did not leave right away.

But when we got home, I let him have it, right? No. Why? I think it was because I felt powerless. And because I felt like I had no power, I also had no boundaries. We were married. We had a house. We had two children. I understand how people get themselves locked into situations. You don’t see an escape. So you use every ounce of power you have to keep things running and keep everyone okay.

It would take another four years before I would leave and go back to my parents’ house. But there again lay another prison. With my parents’ issues and my brother’s problems and my kids just being kids and raising the noise and tension levels, it’s hard to change what you know. Chaos. Drama. Raised adrenaline and cortisol. I was working full time, coming home and trying to raise my kids while becoming a child once again in my mother’s house. Going to school at night when going to school meant actually going to the university and sitting in the library reading books and then coming home with my books tucked under one arm and a can of diet Pepsi in my other hand and being greeted at the door by my dad who disgustedly said, “Just like your brother, always a drink in your hand”.

Now, I’ve said my dad was a mean drunk. I don’t want to draw the wrong picture here. My dad was a force. Energy. Intelligence. He was a hard worker. He was very verbal. He and his dad built the house I grew up in. He worked his way up from lineman working nights at the dock to take classes in law and become the head of a major department in the telephone company. Back when there was only one telephone company. And he knew money. He didn’t spend it. But he knew how to invest it. He was one smart man. What was lacking in warmth was made up for in financial help if needed. He was never ever a fall down drunk. But the minute a drink was poured, my body would tense. I could feel the mood change and I think I’ve always carried that tenseness within me even when my dad was not around me drinking.

My father was fiercely religious but not above calling in to a Catholic radio show to argue to with the priest. He didn’t believe that any person was any better than anyone else. He didn’t believe we should be calling priests “father” as Jesus said that we should call no one else “father” but God. He loved to debate religion and politics. My dad was the absolute unquestioning head of the household and that was that.

My dad wasn’t alive when my abuse took place with the priest. I’m sure he would have been angry because he did love me, but I was also female, which in his eyes would have meant that it was my fault. I mean, he was never crazy about my husband at the time because he was always with his friends and wasn’t showing any ambition to take care of his family, but he still respected him as the head of household and daughter or not, my place was with him. For the most part. I guess until that is my dad tried to help set my ex up in business for himself and he turned him down. That and how he treated the kids made my dad lose respect for him.

Ever since I was fired from the diocese for “seducing a priest”, I have tried to figure out what it was really about me that made me so vulnerable. Was it my relationship with my mom? My dad’s drinking and control? My brother’s issues? My own eventual loss of a sense of having control and ultimate daily patching the cracks so they would not show to anyone else?

I mean, there’s a bunch of us who have been targeted and love bombed and who were gullible enough to believe these creeps because we all have a common thread that runs through our lives? What is it then?

And then I discovered what “it” was. What was the one commonality that we as adult victims of clergy abuse share? When I discovered our vulnerability, it terrified me. What makes us attractive to predators who join the church?

It’s our empathy. Our kindness. The fact that we care about other people. You know, all those things that the church tells us we should be. Loving one another. Forgiving. Being modest and obedient and respectful. Loving God and allowing ourselves to be His sheep. But mainly, it’s the light that shines within us that attracts them to us.

They without light….go steal someone else’s.

And you know what else? It’s easy to do. Get someone to trust you. A priest already has your trust.

And you know another thing that I read? It’s never…..NEVER….the fault of the victim. EVER. If you have been targeted and abused and your goodness has been taken advantage of….not your fault. Know what else? You are a good person. A GOOD PERSON. You are. Please repeat that many times.

And you know that ex-husband I spoke of earlier? That was many years ago and despite everything, I don’t think I ever stopped loving him. Still do. But there was a time when I knew things couldn’t keep going back and forth and I knew inside what was really important to him and I knew I couldn’t change that.

I tend to be a big sap but when I finally faced reality, for the first time, I took care of myself first. I didn’t hurt him. I took care of me. There’s a difference there as well. But after basically paying off his motor home and our son’s college tuition alone, I got a reimbursement from him and was able to buy him out of our home. I don’t take any joy in anyone being unhappy. But in that case, I simply stopped giving myself away.

And one thing I have learned over the years is that you can kill yourself trying to help others and do for others and keep everyone happy. And not one ounce of that matters once you put yourself first. Not one thing you did. As soon as you put up a boundary in front of yourself, people who are used to getting their way from you will be angry….furious even. And they will most likely leave your life.

Keep your light safe. Keep it lit and keep it away from those who would extinguish it.

The Question

One of the rules of SNAP is that we are not supposed to ask for or give advice. Yet many survivors have important questions and seek guidance and reassurance. The best way, of course, to learn and to share knowledge is to pass along our own experiences. That is encouraged in SNAP meetings. We express how we feel and what has worked for us and let others listen and take from that what makes sense to them and what will help them.

This is pretty much how most support groups and peer support groups work. And in life as well. As much as we may want answers to our problems in life, we don’t want anyone telling us what to do.

Once long ago, a friend asked me for advice about her new boyfriend. I simply said to her that it was probably best for her to ask him directly about what was bothering her. She did. But the way she did it was to say that I had told her to ask him about it. That made him angry. Why is she getting involved, he wanted to know. So then my friend told me that she was no longer allowed to discuss their relationship with me. Huh? What just happened?

It happens. People are afraid to be responsible for their own actions so they pick a fall guy. But that is also one of the reasons why we don’t tell people what to do.

One of the questions I was asked recently was should someone talk to the bishop if their abuser was going to be on the video call as well? When I said I could not really answer that question, the person got very upset with me and asked me what good was SNAP anyway then? I explained to the person that I could not answer for how they themselves felt or how doing so would affect them. My answer was that I know that it would not be a good thing for me so I would not do it. For them, they needed to understand how they felt about it. And it would also be good to question what they were expecting from the meeting. Were they expecting an apology or validation? Would they still be okay with the meeting if that did not happen? Everyone is different and everyone is responsible for what feels right for themselves. And in any situation in life, it is good to understand the possibilities of a situation and to know what your own expectations and vulnerabilities are.

Another question that has come up recently is continuing contact with an abuser or continuing to go to the same church. In my situation, what I know helped me to heal and to be able to see the situation more clearly, was the absolute no contact that I was basically forced into after I was fired from the diocese. My perspective over time began to change and bit by bit things began to get clearer.

As I began to gain distance…..which I in no way minimize as an easy task….I began to see the situation for what it was. It did not in any way help that I had been revictimized when seeking help and comfort from people who did not really understand what had happened. I did not really understand what had happened. That had to come first. And the only way I was able to truly understand was to gain distance and to process things myself. Because there will be people who will not understand who will blame you. Friends, loved ones. There are still some people in my life who I have not told about my abuse because they tend to be toxic at the best of times.

This trauma bond that has developed between you and your abuser can feel like coming off of heroin when you go no contact. My abuser had my co-worker call me to ask me a question after I was fired and then she asked me if I wanted to talk to him. It felt like high school. You wanna talk to him? Why? Does he want to talk to me? He’s standing right here in the room. I’m not allowed to talk to him. If he wants to talk to me, he can call me.

I thank God every day now that I was forced out of that situation and forced to never speak to him or see him again.

Another question….he seems to be targeting someone else. Should I tell them what he is like?

OMG did I want to do this. I watched as my job was opened and knew they were interviewing for my position. I felt so many emotions when I went on-line and saw a new name where mine used to be. I wanted to call her anonymously and warn her. But in the end, I did not. For one thing, I doubted he would be that stupid to repeat his actions so soon after what had happened. If anything, he would relish any kind of reaction from me. It would prove my instability to the world. I would not give that to him.

I have spoken to people who are still in the middle of abuse. They have not yet been discarded. I don’t know if anyone is ready to listen until they are. Again, can we really tell anyone what is right for them? Perhaps in this situation, the best defense is a good offense. Keep recognizing that this abuse exists and keep putting it out there. When it was happening to me and I went on-line to see if this kind of thing happened to anyone else, I didn’t find anything except for the lonely lives of priests and how priests sometimes harmlessly flirted. Would things have been different if I had found that this was a thing that happened often and that there were certain patterns to watch out for?

I can’t find a lawyer who will take my case. What should I do? One person recently said that she kept going even though it meant retelling her story over and over again. And that is not pleasant, as we all know. None of this is. But this person said….it’s my life. So she kept going until after about ten lawyers, she did find someone who would take her case. I say good for her. Really. I celebrate the strength of survivors. I personally found it mentally and physically retraumatizing to have a lawyer tell me that I was looking at a he said/she said situation. It opens the wound again and I beat myself up again.

When I screen people for the abused as adults group, I often hear….what difference does it make at what age I was abused? I think the reason people get upset when I ask questions is that they don’t understand what “Abused as an Adult” means for one. I get requests from everyone asking if they can join the group. Since SNAP has always been about the abuse of children, those who have been abused as children have never had to have any “screening” done before joining a SNAP group. So I believe that when I try to explain why I am asking for the age their abuse took place, they sometimes see that I am being totally insensitive. I think they see “Abused as an Adult” as being for adult survivors of childhood abuse, and that I am giving them a hard time. Some of these survivors end up getting quite angry about being turned away from a group. I believe the main reason for this is that being abused as an adult is not something that is widely known when it comes to priest abuse.

I hate to “reject” anyone looking for help. I always try to get people into the men’s group or the women’s group. While it is true that we are all survivors, I try to explain that the reason there is a separate group for those abused at the age of 18 and older is because these are the people who don’t feel they deserve to belong to a group in SNAP. It is a different feeling and a different need for a healing start point. I remember being at a SNAP meeting in Las Vegas a couple of years ago and I was the only person in the room that had been abused over the age of 18. I felt like a fraud. These people had been children. How could I ever compare to that?

But then I began to find other people. And as I began to find other people and I began to hear their stories, I began to become braver about talking about my story. I began to become less ashamed. I began to learn why people become victims and how they are humiliated into silence. That’s why it is important to have a separate group.

Should I go public with my story? Again, I always find that writing is good therapy for me. And someone else may find that to be true as well. I once wrote on a helium balloon “Fr. D. is a sexual predator” and then let the balloon drift away. That felt good. But again, before you write, ask yourself are you searching for revenge or are you trying to help others? Are you trying to tell an important story? Will it help you or someone else heal? Have you checked on the legal ramifications of using real names and locations? There are people in SNAP who can answer some of those questions regarding legal issues. Do you have experience talking with the press if that is your plan?

Is it okay to recommend books I have read that I have found helpful? Of course. It’s okay to share anything that has helped you. This past week at our meeting, someone said they found the book, “Prey Tell” helpful. Absolutely sharing what is helpful to you is what it is all about. As long as you don’t tell someone else….you know what you should do? I know….it is sooooo tempting to try to help fix someone else. But we can only fix ourselves if we can on this journey and share what kind of glue we used to help put ourselves back together.

Are there other adult men out there who have been abused? Yes. And unfortunately if that adult man happens to be gay, it is often not seen as abuse. But whether gay or straight, it happens more often than people think. Men are groomed and raped and they blame themselves and they many times bury their shame and are afraid to come forward. But yes, it happens to adult men too.

My abuser was not a priest, can I still attend the meeting? Yes. Abuse of power is found in any religion and not just with men. Abuse of power can be found outside of a religious setting as well. Any leader can abuse their power.

Is it okay if I am late getting into the meeting or if I have to cut out early? It’s fine. Just understand that if you feel the need to say anything, it is best to do so by messaging the group and not interrupting anyone who may be talking.

And finally, is it okay to answer the poll more than once if more than one answer applies to me? Yes, please do. And have a wonderful and safe week everyone.

The Rose

When you grow up in a dysfunctional situation….and by that I mean one in which the concept of self and what it means to be loved and your worthiness for affection and attention…are not ideal to set you on the path towards a future of healthy adulthood…life can be confusing.

Now remember, I grew up in a time when most if not all women, were married and had the sole occupation of housewife. And, yes, that was what they were called. That is a pretty ancient term now, but when I was a kid, that was what I expected to happen to me when I grew up. I was preparing to be married and to have children.

I did have one role model of liberation. My father’s cousin lived next door to us. She had never married. She was a nurse. She owned a house. She was self-supporting. I didn’t think of her situation as odd. It just was. It was who she was. They had characters like her on TV. The librarian. The old aunt who had never married. Of course, men had what they called “bachelors”, or unmarried men who seemed to never get tied down by a woman. Their sexuality was never questioned. These people had simply never found the right person. It was a fate to be avoided at all costs. Or at least that is what we learned from TV and maybe the overheard whispering of adults.

I can’t speak for men, but for the women who grew up back in the day, we dreamed of our wedding one day. Pillow cases and half slips worn over our heads became bridal veils. Or somedays we used the same headwear to pretend we were nuns. Not a big job selection there. In any case, we knew what was expected of us. We were to find a man who would love us and who would pop the question so we could then select our detergents and make sure our coffee pleased our husbands.

I’m not kidding.

I remember anytime I told my parents that I had a boy who was a friend at school, it became a big deal. My dad would tease me and pretty much have me married off. I’m sure he would say he was not serious. but on some level, he was. The expectation was there.

And so I guess I began to look at boys in a different way. Almost as if they were the ultimate prize and not a person. And how to win said prize? When I was younger, of course, I thought that my prince would find me one day.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Because we still hear about women fighting over men like possessions they have to have in order to survive. And those who are single….well, just look at the dating sites out there. People keep looking for “the one”.

We learn from storybooks and movies that there is a person out there who is just for us. We now hear people talk about twin flames. I’m not sure if that is a real thing or if that is more of a way to explain an obsession over someone. But we seem programmed to couple up and to not be alone. And the media, and our friends and family, tend to support this notion.

So back to excellent coffee. Yes, there were commercials that showed less than pleased husbands who live with their housewives who can’t make a decent cup. Shame. And her whites were not as white as they should be. Wrong detergent. Her glassware had spots. What was she thinking? And don’t forget she should look beautiful when he gets home from work. Catholic? Well, you owe him sex. And kids. And you better stay in shape because there’s that secretary in the office who he teases and perhaps pats on the rear…because nobody cared back then.

Perhaps like my dad, they will come home and share their sexual harassment with the family. “Nancy Jean the sex machine” was my dad’s secretary. And we laughed. Not sure how my mom, who was the ultimate perfect “housewife” felt about that. I don’t think she had the right to feel one way or another. And we as kids loved our mom but knew that she better not make dad mad because he was a mean drunk and when she “got him going” I was always terrified and ready to jump in to protect her if needed. I could not tune anything out. I was hypervigilant. I would sit on the stairs and listen to be sure it did not get out of control. I would sit there for as long as it took.

So armed with the knowledge I had acquired over the years, I had learned that I needed to prepare myself to be available to marry someone who chose me, be perfect, but overlook any and all of their faults including however they acted, whatever they said, whatever they chose to do, however they treated me, if they were verbally or even perhaps physically violent,…..all the while being tasked with holding it all together perfectly…..making sure to please husband (as I was responsible for his behavior) and in-laws and whoever else came to dinner.

Of course, to confuse matters, the first guy to come along was not there to propose. Neither were the next however many. But all you are told is “don’t”. Other than that, you are on your own.

Sex is such a secretive thing that nobody really discusses the “in between”. You’re told about strangers in trench coats offering you candy. You’re told not to go all the way before marriage. You’re told that one day you will fall in love and you will just know that person is the one who you have waited for.

They don’t tell you that someone you know who is not a potential marriage partner will want you to take off your clothes for them or that there are so many things along the way between holding hands and having sex. They don’t tell you that people can seem like “the one” and only be using that as a game. They don’t tell you that when you are with a guy and doing everything but and they decide they want the everything and you say no but they do it anyway that it is not the way people act when they love you even if it is an act people do when they are in love. They don’t tell you that you are not responsible for other people’s happiness, anger, and actions they choose.

I think what I am talking about is the confusion with boundaries. The way we learn what boundaries we have as we grow from children into adults. What boundaries are we entitled to? Are we not supposed to have any boundaries at all in order to be loved? If we push back, people we love could get mad and leave us.

How many of us who have been abused as adults grew up with an imbalanced sense of love, boundaries and respect? Or perhaps a misrepresented picture of what adult love should be?

When I was married, I remember knowing that my kids were learning from what they saw. Not only was it best for all of us at the time to get away from their father and my husband to do on our own…..to show them that we could survive as a family without the abusive member living with us….but I also felt I was showing them perhaps something my mother had not shown me….and that was it was okay to leave and that we could still survive.

It wasn’t until recently that I found the possible answer as to why that failed and what I had not shown them. And why, despite my attempt at shielding my kids from abuse did they still fall into the same patterns in their own lives?

I left. I slunk away without notice. My kids did not know anything was wrong between me and their father. I never pointed out to anyone when he was being abusive. When he pushed back my boundaries. Because I just kept things running in spite of his behavior. I kept running away. I ran away from their father. I kept them in the dark when their uncle was going through severe psychological issues. I shielded them and kept life normal. They never knew that I developed agoraphobia while raising them on my own. So just like me with my mother before me and her mother before her, my kids never learned how to set up boundaries. Because they never saw mine. They only saw the needs of others in the family that needed to be quieted and cared for so that things didn’t get out of control and unpleasant.

And ironically, my kids ended up seeing their father as being the victim. Not totally but that does play into what they perceive as normal in their relationships. And when I do try to set boundaries with people, people I have known….my kids included….tend to see me as mean and hurting someone…..and their dad as just a pain in the butt and me the one who did him wrong. And that does affect me.

I still suffer from all of these issues. It’s a process. And it’s still a process to show my kids the way. Even if they are grown. And it starts with the words….I allowed. Not “I caused” or “I was responsible for”, but what did I allow to happen because I have never learned how to love myself and to have that be enough. Because my boundaries change in order to risk not losing someone’s love. Because I am afraid. Because my mom is perfect and she didn’t live happily ever after so I don’t understand what I am supposed to accept from someone.

These are not supposed to be words of self blame. They are supposed to be words of empowerment. There is so little that we can control. But it is good to acknowledge what we have “allowed”. Because then we realize what we will not allow. For anyone. Under any circumstance. I think it may be the beginning of the making of our own protective boundaries. Predators test boundaries. And they will keep pushing past any boundaries that seem flexible. They will take advantage of our childhood dysfunctional ideals and play into them.

I tell you, I get tired of the way life can be. I get tired of being let down by people who I thought were decent. I get tired of waiting for that good man to find me and to find me worthy enough to bestow his love upon me. Yes, logically I know that I learned a lot of stuff I need to unlearn. Many of us do.

I think one of the worst things is to think you feel love and then to have it snatched away. Because it can make you feel….not like the other person has issues….but that you are unworthy.

How sad it is to live your life waiting to be worthy. Waiting for that trusted connection and true love that gives you the oxygen you feel you need to live and the happiness you have long sought. How good it feels to have bliss rain down into your parched soul. At last you are alive. You are worthy. You are loved because someone else says so.

It feels so wonderful…..until it doesn’t. And then you don’t know what to do because without that outward source of love, the sun no longer shines and the grass no longer grows and you feel like giving up because waiting for love to come into your life can make you feel so powerless over happiness. So you settle for someone instead who will define your boundaries for you. Because without someone else setting your boundaries, your anxieties don’t know where to end.

I don’t really have any answers. Well, perhaps I do but we all really have the answers to our questions in life. We don’t always want to hear the answers though.

The truth is being abused by a priest opened my eyes to the fact that evil can be anywhere and that I need to be on guard. Love is not a given, even when it seems like it should be the highest form of love. Seems like at that point the universe was telling me I wasn’t going to meet a good man at church….no matter what Dear Abby says. Lust and deception are there lurking under the veil of chastity.

We all want to be loved. We all want to be nourished and pampered and be that seed with the sun’s love, in the Spring….becomes the Rose…..but the reality may be we just have to “suck it up, buttercup”. That’s not such a bad thing. Not everyone can be a rose. There will always seem to be those people who have good fortune and a circle of love seeming to envelope them. Like hothouse roses. Let go of trying to be one. Let go of needing to be one. Just be you. Perfect as you are. Grow wild and free and unafraid of needing the care of others in order to thrive.

Guest Blog #2

Writer’s Block: Rattling the Cage

Shame and fear of retaliation keep feelings and memories incarcerated.

I’m normally a pretty fluid writer. Trying to write about this subject, however, is like trying to make an insect specimen board with live hornets. It’s frightening to approach, painful to touch, and almost everybody who cares and knows the story wishes I’d just forget about it all.

It’s hard for me to talk or write about it. I can’t even analyze why. There’s numbness and, where it’s not numb, there’s pain.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family situation. My father was a sex addict and my mom wasn’t equipped to set healthy boundaries with anybody, my father most especially. My dad violated my personal boundaries my whole life, physically and emotionally. My spiritual life didn’t interest him, so at least that part was somewhat safe from his invasions. Mom was emotionally absent most of the time, living in her own hell of PTSD from her childhood and current marriage situation. When I was ten, my parents divorced after having been separated for about a year. Mom left home and five of us were living alone with Dad. I was the second oldest child and the oldest girl.

During the divorce process, Mom moved all the way across the country. Forty years later she still lives there. She told me recently that Dad had threatened her, “If you ever leave me, I’ll tell everybody you’re crazy and teach the kids to hate you.” He succeeded. Just after the separation started, Dad managed to get a restraining order against Mom. That was the beginning. I was estranged from my mom well into my adulthood. Of the five children from my parents’ marriage, I am the only one who has a relationship with our mother. It’s a classic case of parental alienation syndrome.

Less than a month before my thirteenth birthday, my dad remarried. My stepmother perpetrated sexual, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse on all five of us. She was much worse than Dad over all. A very needy person, she would cry and have temper tantrums if anyone made even a subtle gesture suggesting that she was responsible for her abusive behavior. Her life was, and I think probably still is, an eternal pity party. Dad was her loyal enabler. I don’t have relationships with them any more. I “divorced” them after work in therapy.

I married when I was 21. My marriage was abusive for the first fifteen years. My husband will concede to this fact. My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive toward me. Having been garnering strength from therapy and an association with the local women’s shelter, I was preparing to leave and divorce my husband when our seventh child was conceived. I feel strongly that a child needs attentive parenting at least the first three years of life, so the pregnancy put the brakes on my plans to leave. My husband and I had separate bedrooms for about a year during that time. When the new baby was about a year old, my husband was deployed for 12 months. During that time he dedicated himself to improving and saving our marriage. He read books and discussed them with me over the phone in frequent phone calls. He talked with the chaplain. After the deployment, he went into therapy. I was determined not to be the demise of our marriage, but I credit my husband’s effort with saving it. We still have occasional episodes, but things are very good now. We have both seen therapists.

I was raised in an environment that punished me for trying to set any kind of physical or emotional boundaries. I was punished and shamed for any effort at privacy or defending my personal space. In my thirties I learned that I had a right and responsibility to decide how I did or did not want to be touched or spoken to. I had a responsibility to honor and enforce the rules I set. Because setting and maintaining boundaries was programmed out of me from birth, I still cannot do it naturally. I have learned to be cognizant of the need for boundaries and, as a matter of intellectual discipline, I do my best to protect myself from intrusion by unhealthy and predatory people. I have gotten a lot better, but I have a long way to go. I honestly do not think I will ever master the concept. Much as I try, I think proficiency might one day be my greatest achievement. My skills are still very basic and I’m in awe of women in particular who have a strong sense of themselves and the self confidence to avoid being “pleasers.”

To admit and acknowledge my wounds and they role they play with my experience with a predator is painful and difficult. I am weak because of repeated, deep injury that was perpetrated against me my entire childhood and into my adulthood. It is not a “fault.” It’s a truth, a condition, an organic vulnerability that I cannot fix, even though the desire is there and I put every ounce of available effort into healing. I have consulted and paid experts to help me overcome my weaknesses. I read books, participate in online forums, skim websites, share in support groups, everything I can think of doing. I’m trying. I want to be well. It’s almost like giving someone an arm transplant. The transplanted arm can look normal, but the strength and familiarity of the limb, the fluency of motion, they’ll never be the same as someone who was born with a healthy arm. My ability to set boundaries will always be weak, but I’ll never give up trying to make it stronger.

This brings us to the point that is the most insidious in the priest-predator dynamic: blaming the victim. I believe that predator priests are most likely wounded much like me. I have compassion for that. Part of my compassionate disposition is my natural personality, and part of it is an inability to get angry for being abused. Turning the anger on myself was a survival skill. If I was angry at my abusers as a child, the abuse escalated. I think a lot of survivors, maybe all of them, are like me. It makes us vulnerable and predators sniff this out like a hungry shark smells blood.

I think the predator dynamic in people is just as natural as the predator-prey dynamic in wild animals. There are some fundamental differences, however, First, human beings, and educated Catholics (priests) in particular are not wild animals. We have the gift of reason. We have societal rules and religious institutions. Over all, I would say that our gift of reason and our propensity to build civilization are good qualities about being human.

Second, the Catholic Church has an essential mission: to spread the good news of the Gospel. It is ludicrous that I am feeling the need right now to enumerate what this mission means. Priests are trained to know what this means. They vow to undertake it.

Exploiting people is contrary to the gospel. Someone in a position of authority in the Church, a priest, who exploits people, especially by using the authority and esteem provided by his ordination, is a fraud. Even if he is a great preacher, he’s a fraud. Even if he boosts mass attendance, he’s a fraud. Even if he is attentive to social justice, he’s a fraud. Even if he marches in prolife events, he’s a fraud. Even if he’s “so sweet,” he’s a fraud. Even if he seems truly contrite when he’s caught, he’s a fraud. This applies especially to priests who perpetrate these misdeeds habitually. They’re frauds. Yes, the ordination is valid, but the authority, the freedom, and the esteem of the position are being thrown into Gehenna when they are given to priest frauds. No behavior of any victim influences or changes this fact.

In my case, I knew things were going in a scary and dangerous direction. I had to fight the inclination to freeze up and allow it. I battled against it. I was only capable of doing that because of the therapy I had gotten and the practice, which was guided by my therapist. Again, sharks smell blood. Someone like me is swimming in the sea with weeping wounds. I have plenty of practice.

When Church officials blame victims, which happens regularly, the Church is saying, “You’re broken and worthless. You deserved it. Your weakness is your own problem. The blame is yours, the priest made an excusable mistake. We have decided to let you die by exposure. The Romans had it right.”

That’s not Christian. It’s lazy and stupid and evil.

Predatory behavior is objectively disordered, unChristian, in many cases criminal, and it’s always, always wrong. Predator priests need to be punished and removed from ministry. Their presence in the Church as ministers contradicts the Church’s mission. Predator priests are destructive. They’re wolves in sheeps’ clothing.

Today I prayed along with Walking the Way of the Cross with Survivors from Awake Milwaukee, a support organization for survivors of abuse by priests. I cried with such bitter grief that I surprised myself. I was closed up in a room away from my husband who is still working from home due to the pandemic. I wore my earbuds so he couldn’t hear the recording, sobbing and sniffing as quietly as I could. It’s so difficult for him. He’s a victim too because he loves me, and he doesn’t know how to fix it for either of us. He’s a man. He wants to fix it.

https://seekingdaniel.wordpress.com/

Wicked Games

This past week, I stumbled across a movie called “Compliance”. It is a deeply disturbing film about how far someone will go to obey an authority figure. What makes it even more disturbing is that it is based on fact. You don’t know this until the end, however, when you find out that what happens in the movie has taken place over 70 times in 30 different states. For real.

Without giving away the entire plot, we the audience are given a front row seat to how human beings can be brainwashed into doing things to other human beings. Even when they have doubts. Even when what they are being asked to do seems questionable at best. When they are reassured that they must do what they are being told to do by a person they believe to be in authority, they comply.

Having myself been in a situation where I questioned what an authority figure was asking, I found this movie to be fascinating in that it shows a psychological profile of human nature and how easily we can be led to doubt ourselves when manipulated by someone who we believe is in charge of a situation and more knowledgeable than ourselves.

On the other hand, at the same time, the concept is terrifying.

The movie begins in a fast food restaurant. Here we have a very stressed manager who is trying to deal with a food shortage crisis and trying to keep the restaurant running smoothly without drawing the attention of the corporate manager. Anyone who has worked in the food business or in retail knows how stressful it can be to keep the customer happy while dancing through the corporate hoops and whims….usually for minimum wage pay.

So we are already looking at vulnerability here as most employees are just trying to get by without trouble and pay their rent. They may be trying to get through school or raise a family and they are used to not having much say about their job as they can easily be replaced. There is a definite lack of power in their situation.

When the already stressed out manager gets a phone call from someone claiming to be the police saying they are working with her manager on the other line regarding theft by one of the employees, she has no reason to doubt that the situation is real and that she better do as she is told.

Dissecting things further, when the manager expresses doubt that the employee would do such a thing, she is made to feel threatened and stupid and is told there is proof and then her intelligence and management skills are questioned as well.

Gaslighting. When she expresses doubt, the caller uses threats and undermining techniques. When she is “compliant”, her intelligence and her skills are praised and she is made to feel safe and in good standing with the police and her boss. And when she has questions, there is always an open-ended answer with no real details to placate her doubts.

As a viewer, we sit there saying to ourselves “No way this can happen in real life”. But as I said, it did. For real. Again and again.

We see the people in the movie push past their own sense of discomfort and loyalty to someone they know. Each time they pause to question the need for the action, they are blasted for being disobedient with the threat basically of “don’t make me….or management…come down there”, or praise such as “I truly appreciate your making my job easier for me. I can’t get there right now because I’m investigating her other activities”. The caller also shares personal info about their life and swaps stories with the manager, getting to know her as a person and making her feel like she is talking to another good person just doing a job.

It really hit home for me. Watching this movie made me say to myself….”Yes…that!” It made me feel like everyone who has ever been conned or coerced or has ever trusted the wrong person should see how easily someone who knows how to play people like a fiddle can pull a con.

Start out with something reasonable and believable. Push a little further. If there is resistance, pull back but make the person feel bad about their resistance and make them feel foolish and mean and stupid for resisting. Make them feel they are doing the right thing by complying.

And this caller pushes these people into doing degrading and illegal things in the name of the law. And although the victim in this situation pleads for someone to help her, it is not until a pair of fresh eyes sees the situation for what it is that the charade falls apart. Even the employees who work with the victim, who refuse to participate, stay working at their counter and do nothing to go against authority.

And after the fact, when being interviewed by an actual real detective, the victim is asked….”Why didn’t you just ever say no?” And the manager said she did what any other person in that situation would have done. Were you brainwashed, she is asked. She is unsure. She feels bad but feels that she was also a victim.

After watching this movie, I thought that maybe it would help someone who blamed themselves for falling for the manipulation of an evil person with an agenda to destroy. So they could stop blaming themselves. So they could see that they are human beings who were led down a garden path into a chamber of horrors. That we are just human beings who live in a world with other human beings and that we live in a world where we have to be compliant in order to peacefully exist. And that can be used against us.

If you do happen to watch this movie, be warned that it is upsetting to watch. There is also coerced sexual activity. Rape. Let’s call it what it is. Rape.

And there are permanent after effects of guilt and remorse that all involve must live with as there was more than one victim. And it happened. It happened many times.

And that, as we know, is flippin’ scary as Hell. It happens. And it is still happening.

Take care of yourselves. I wish we could protect everyone. But knowledge is power. Have a good week.

Head Games

Well, last week we found out that most people are somewhat happy. That’s good. This week we are polling people about their sense of paranoia.

We discussed this a bit in our weekly meeting and one person suggested using a site called “Delete Me” which is supposed to track and delete your information that is collected on-line. He said there is a fee of $129.00 a year for this service. I’m not recommending this site. As with any site, use caution. I just wanted to pass that information along to anyone who may be uncomfortable with the stuff that people can find on them.

Along the way, I have heard from people who have had to pull up roots because of their abuse by the church. And they don’t just fear the clergy. Some people have been harassed by fine church-going people in their neighborhood.

“Do it in the name of Heaven….you’ll be justified in the end” That’s a quote from a song from a long time ago called “One Tin Soldier”. Righteous people can be damn scary.

So….”Head Games”. Has anyone ever head of the term “negging”? It seems to play into a Narcissist’s handbook. It’s a way to devalue someone. It is a head game and you probably are familiar with it. Do you know how that person once loved you unconditionally and just made your whole being relax because you thought you found someone kind hearted? Do you remember how open and safe you felt? Then all of a sudden, you didn’t please them anymore. Right?

What was it that happened? I’m guessing that it was something said by this wonderful person that made you think you were less than worthy of their adoration. Here are some examples of “negging”. And make no mistake, it is done deliberately with the intent to manipulate.

“You look wonderful! Have you had work done?”

“Wow, that’s some haircut. Were you going for a younger look?”

“That’s great that you won that award. How many awards does your sister have now?”

“Lovely earrings. How smart to direct people’s attention away from your nose”

“I like that shirt but I gotta tell you that the color makes you look sickly”

Negging is a popular manipulative device used in bars to undercut someone’s self-esteem in order to create self-doubt and vulnerability. It’s also used when someone wants to put you down but doesn’t want to be direct about it. We’ve all probably done it. I’ve known passive aggressive people who do it. But where one person may be trying to find a way to say something tactfully or to be kind, there usually isn’t that kick in the gut at the end. That kick in the gut is what they really wanted to say. Because the intent is to undermine someone or to feel more powerful by bringing someone else down.

Negging is a form of emotional abuse. It’s first cousins with gaslighting. It’s intent is to create doubt in your self-esteem and decisions. When used by someone who you admire or love, or whose approval you crave….well, you see where I am going with this. It can be damaging.

Negging is destructive and abusive. There may be people who you talk with like that. Perhaps you just kid around. If it does not hurt you or anyone else, fine. But if someone plays word games like this…recognize that they have an issue. It is not your self-perceived imperfections sabotaging your happiness. It is someone being a jerk and you deserve to be treated better. That isn’t always easy to recognize for people struggling with low self-esteem. But be aware if it seems that your self-esteem seems dependent upon someone else’s words and opinions. (I say this to myself as well).

One of the things that is so scary about letting go of an abusive relationship or situation is that many times, there is not a reward for doing so. When you walk out on your parents, or your spouse or when you walk away from a child who treats you poorly, there is often a feeling of loss.

You have to start all over again. There is no guarantee that you won’t end up all alone. You’ve probably been told that nobody else would ever love you. You may have felt unlovable all of your life. You most likely aren’t starting from a place of strength. Whether you were financially dependent or emotionally dependent or terrified of being alone and feeling vulnerable and unprotected, tearing yourself away from someone who you may believe to be your strength or your source of love, can be terribly hard.

It’s so tempting to keep fighting. To keep trying. To not let go. It may seem wrong on such a deep level to be the one to terminate a marriage or a parent/child relationship. But sometimes the more you try, the more you just find you cannot win no matter what you do.

I went to a seminar once where we were given the example of giving someone money from your wallet and having that person ignore you and walk away. And the more they walk away, the more you chase them and try to give them the money. You throw the money at them. Money you will never get back. But you never get a response. They never turn around or acknowledge you. What then is the purpose of continuing to hand over money? You can keep trying to give them everything you have of value and it’s never going to change anything or change that person’s reaction or behavior. You can chase and yell and cry until you collapse, but why?

Does it matter who that person is? A son, a daughter, a mother, a father, a sibling…or someone who in your mind will bring you the happiness you need….

Letting go….letting them go….does not feel good at all. Walking away from something hopeless or abusive does not feel good although it really should because that would only be fair. But it doesn’t work like that. You can’t walk away just to try to get a reaction either. That’s not really walking away. But you know that. Truth is it hurts, and it’s scary and a lot of the time, it’s just not right and….just not fair. Because I’m willing to bet you’ve been chasing people and throwing everything you have at them many times to get that reaction that you want and that you need.

But it’s not just that, is it? If you let go, you have to face the pain, but mainly you have to face the emptiness that the illusion filled. The void that is left that you have to begin to fill on your own.

Bless the Beasts and the Children

Some of you already know that this past week I lost another one of my rescue dogs, Toby. Toby was 14 and I had him for a little bit over four years. He went to join his sister, Abby, who passed away on February 27th.

This past year, the virus has made our lives nuts. As we talk about opening up restaurants and bars to more people, things at the vet’s office haven’t made great progress.

There was a plumbing crisis here last week as well and the house was torn apart…literally…..Toby had an appointment coming up this Friday but he began not feeling well…he had a head cold like I’ve never seen in a dog before. And he was not eating well and he vomited a bit when he did eat. So I called his vet to get him in sooner and it was like 10am on Thursday and I was told “You know the rules…you have to call at 7:30am to see if we have an opening. Call back tomorrow”. So I waited. I did not think it was an emergency. I called Friday morning. No openings. Call back tomorrow. I called back Saturday morning when I got up at 8am. No….sorry. We had three openings at 7:30 that are gone now. Bye.

Sunday the vet was closed. I just didn’t want him to play the game of watch and wait all week to see if I could get him in sooner, so off we went to the emergency vet.

We got to the emergency vet around 3:30 in the afternoon. They are open 24/7. They took him in around 4pm. We had to stay in the car in the parking lot. We being myself, my friend, and Toby’s brother, Fritz, who we didn’t want to leave at home alone.

After two trips to Cumberland Farms to get a hamburger and snacks and water for Fritz and to use the bathroom, the vet finally called my cell phone at 11pm that night….7 hours after they had taken Toby in. Seven hours of sitting outside in the car in the parking lot, waiting.

It took two more hours…until 1am Monday morning, to be told that Toby was in a diabetic crisis. One that would mean at least 5 days in the puppy hospital and if he survived that…..the rest of his life closely guarded and twice daily insulin shots.

For me, the answer was clear. And if there is such a thing as a peaceful and happy passing, Toby was blessed. While sitting in the car, awaiting word on Toby from the doctor an hour before he was euthanized, the inside lights suddenly went on. Nobody had started the car or pressed any buttons. They just went on and almost as suddenly, died down into darkness once again. Abby had been put down in the back of the car three weeks before. My feeling was she was letting her presence be known. She was here and she was going to help her brother transition.

We sat in the “family room” and were able to bring Fritz in to say goodbye to his brother. Toby came in wrapped in a snuggly blanket. He looked tired but happy to see us. Fritz cleaned his face for him one last time. To be honest, I don’t know if that is done out of love, dominance, or just checking for leftover food. But it was touching to see.

The end came quickly and I imagine, peacefully. Toby left his Earthly family and I’m sure his sister, Abby, was there to hand him his wings as soon as he was free from his physical form.

Fritz is now never left at home alone. Until I can find a calm and sweet companion friend for him. In the meantime, one more dinner bowl has been taken out of commission.

We got home around 2:30 in the morning. If you’ve been paying attention (no points lost if you feel asleep in the middle of the story) that was 11 hours. 11 hours. 11 hours in the car for us. 11 hours in a cage for Toby perhaps thinking we left him there. It had happened before in his short life. Did they give him a drink? I know he had gotten sick again. We weren’t allowed inside to see him. Or to even use the bathroom.

I know things are crazy these days but I have been going to that vet for 27 years. We know our pets. We know when they are not feeling well. I decided it is time to find another vet.

We don’t know these days if there are extenuating circumstances when things like this happen. We really don’t. We want to give the benefit of the doubt. People are overworked. They have crazy rules in place they have to follow. I’ve never had to wait in a car to be seen if I’m not feeling well. I know there has been separation of family and loved ones this year because of the virus. But do we know….is this affecting veterinary offices and emergency vet clinics so that at one point in time, over 15 cars were waiting in the parking lot with us?

I called the trash collectors this week to have them pick up an old mattress. I did not get it out in time. They were here first thing this morning. I could not drag it out without help at that time. I asked them to please come back. I’m being charged for them just showing up this morning with their truck. There is no sob story that is going to change that extra charge I have to pay when they come back next week to get the mattress.

And just when you think the world is going mad, a sympathy card and a container of fresh chocolate chip cookies ends up on your doorstep from your neighbor. And your tenant brings home pizza for dinner so you don’t have to make dinner.

Not sure where I’m going with this. I’m rambling. One of the perks of growing older. I can ramble and not apologize for it. Ah, our pets. Toby is going to be coming home in a cherry wood box with room for his picture and a brass plaque on top with his name.

Not bad for a little dude who four years ago was homeless and growling at everyone in fear. He was loved. He was a bundle of love and excitement. Dinnertime nearly knocked his socks off every night. He’d nearly faint with anticipation. Later on, he would lay at my feet, belly up….ever the optimist that a belly rub would ensue. He was the smartest of the bunch. And the most polite. And even though he felt sick last week, he growled at the plumbers as they came through the house. I am sure he would have defended me to the death if the need arose.

We need less rules and more belly rubs in life. That might not be something you usually hear in a group for survivors of sexual abuse. That’s why pets and therapy animals can help with healing of trauma and abuse.

Thank God for the gift of their love.