Survivors of Abuse recovery (soar)

The last poll, to nobody’s surprise, showed that most people find comfort in eating dessert.

I actually wrote a full blog last week and got to the end and it didn’t save because my internet cut out. I ate chocolate. That was frustrating.

In a nutshell, I wrote about a show I saw on Netflix called “The Push” which was about a very disturbing experiment performed on four unsuspecting subjects to see how far they would remain compliant in an increasingly insane situation.

Four people. Four average, good people. The grooming was evident. They thought they were helping out for a charity auction for an important client. And help they did. And what struck me was that as survivors, we often hear people say that what happened to us would never have happened to them. Maybe.

But what if someone asked you…would you ever kill someone? I mean someone you really didn’t know. You don’t have a grudge against this person, and you just met them. Of course not…right? But what if you had already gone along with some questionable stuff because you had found yourself in a situation where the stakes kept getting higher and you were in too deep before you knew what was happening and it was either your life and safety and your whole future or just giving someone a little push?

Still holding onto your moral compass? You would be surprised at the things four “normal” and “nice” people were essentially coerced into doing. If you get the chance, watch this show. It’s on Netflix until the 26th of this month. But be warned, it is very disturbing.

That isn’t what I actually wanted to address today though. Last time, I spoke a little about safety and being aware of your surroundings and other people. Now I want you to take a look at yourself.

There is something I have noticed with myself and other survivors. And this could very well go along with the show I just mentioned as well. We have talked about being targeted by Narcissistic abusers. We know that when we were abused, we were most likely in a position of vulnerability. But there is more to it than that. I was threatened and harassed by my boss. But I wasn’t the only one working for him. What made him target me and what kinds of things about us continue to make us vulnerable and possible targets?

One thing I notice is we do (and I use “we” for myself and for anyone else who may feel it resonates with themselves) is over-apologize. If you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize. But if you apologize for being yourself or second guessing yourself, or because you are feeling less than someone else, stop that voice that is telling you that you need to bend or fix things for someone else’s approval.

Take a breath and ask yourself….why am I apologizing? Do I own this problem? Am I apologizing because I feel awkward or trying to fix things for someone else? Perhaps you didn’t understand instructions? Maybe you under-dressed for a party? Or perhaps you don’t feel like doing something and you need some time to yourself?

Apologizing too much not only gives the impression that you are less than capable, but it also reinforces your feelings of low self-esteem. So not only does this give the impression of vulnerability, it also leaves you with a feeling of being less than or letting someone down. In other words, self-sabotage.

Instead of saying you are sorry when you have done nothing wrong, try saying “excuse me”, or “could you please explain?” And you don’t need to apologize for how you feel, how you look, or for taking care of yourself.

Remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s actions, opinion of you, or most of the things that happen in this world.

Try not to apologize too much. It can make you seem weak and perhaps make you a target. It can also signal low self-esteem to others. Practice instead more assertive phrases such as “pardon me”, “thank you for your patience”, or other phrases that don’t sound like you own all of the blame for everything.

Just be more aware of how and when you use the words, “I’m sorry”.

Next time…body language.