Tainted Love

As far as the poll goes this week, I want to proudly say that I can speak English fluently and can say the “Our Father” in Latin. I can also say “Hi” in sign language, and can proudly announce that my umbrella is yellow in French to anyone who should care to know.

My dad took German when I was younger so I guess I can also add a “Sprechen Sie Duetsch” to that as I heard him say that often. Dad also had a law degree and all I know of that is the meaning of “attractive nuisance”

So where are we all this week? And what is the meaning of “Tainted Love” other than the song itself? What does that make you think of? Something forbidden? Something tarnished perhaps?

Well, I’ve just passed week five post surgery. Emailing a good friend of mine the other day, as she put it “Honestly, I would have killed myself by now”. Well, I’m not there just yet. Instead, I bought myself a new computer chair. I really hadn’t thought about it until now, but I was sitting on an old….and I mean old…kitchen chair. Like from the 50’s or something. Don’t remember where it came from or who gave it to me. Splurged on a nice chair. Has a foot rest. Reclines. My dogs love it. They think it means they can now permanently sit in my lap.

Do they love me, or do they love my chair? Hmmn.

This past week, I got back into therapy which was a big thing because I have not had a regular therapist since before everything went down five years ago with the priest. Seriously. I went to the one therapist who questioned my daddy issues and why I was chasing priests. That confused me even more. And then there was a very nice nurse practitioner who was able to listen for five minutes and say “You’re doing well….keep it up” and write a new script for an antidepressant before going to the next patient. So this was a full hour of just unlocking the brain.

I think I overwhelmed her. But now have regular appointments set up and she seems nice, so we’ll see.

I was also able to attend an on-line angel circle reading. If you have never heard of that or don’t know what that is, it’s basically a group reading where a medium channels the advice of a guiding angel.

What was interesting about the reading was that I was told that I’ve been through a lot of stuff in my life which was basically prepping me to relate to other people who are going through stuff as well. I kind of knew this. I know without a doubt that what happened with the priest was meant to be. Everything that happened. I wasn’t supposed to get the job, but I did because someone else who got the job backed out at the last minute. The absolute ridiculousness and unfairness of it all made me keep going because I thought that I couldn’t possibly be the only one this happened to, and if I was, someone needed to know about this…..made me search out answers and other people and made me write until I got it all out of me.

The angel reading also said that I am somewhat of a counsellor. And that I reach people around the world. That rang true as we are all connected and that is a wonderful thing to know we are not alone.

So when the medium then told me that I needed to let go of worrying about everything because it was impeding my physical healing (understand that I had not told this person anything about me at all), I was inclined to believe him and take it to heart.

Many of us in this group know what it is like to feel powerless. And this feeling did not just pop up overnight. For many of us, we have been struggling our entire lives with being that person who needs to take care of others or feeling like the odd man out inside of a crazy family, or trying to please those who won’t be pleased.

So to have to sit back and do nothing is a foreign concept. But at week five post surgery, I am still not doing a jig. If my foot is not elevated, it still swells and that means that I am still doing a lot of sitting and wheeling from chair to chair. Leaving the house is a big deal and even going out to sit on the deck means having to hop over a step and a door jam in front of open basement stairs. So I can’t do a lot. I’ve seen my grandson once in the past two months. I speak to my mom every night. My younger son has been here once or twice. He made me lunch, did some laundry for me. I paid him. My older son….well.

My room-mate has taken care of the dogs, who won’t go out without me. That means he has to put a leash on them or pick them up and put them outside. Or clean up after them. He feeds them. He feeds me. He puts the groceries away. Does the wash. Gives me clean clothes. Goes to the bank for me. He yells at me if I try to do anything. My conversation to him one night consisted of a two word response. I have to laugh. I never swore before I got married and had kids. I mean, I would you know, to be cool….but it was like stuck in my throat. I don’t have that problem now. But it was a bad night.

I guess I never realized how much I worry about my family until now when I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

My mother has an infected foot. Finally she called the doctor’s office where I got her set up a couple months ago. She went there, found out the woman she is seeing is not a real doctor, decided she was not going to take the antibiotic, and was “too busy” to call the office back. Three days later, she called them, they gave her another script, and she decided she didn’t like that one either so is not going to take that. I worry ahead of time. I worry that she is going to end up in the hospital with sepsis because she doesn’t want to get diarrhea from the antibiotic. Talking to her makes no difference. But how do I let go and worry just about me?

I worry about my youngest son. He does not take care of himself. Having worked in a plant where they process meds, he will not get the COVID vaccine, and he will not see a doctor….for anything. His grandfather on his dad’s side passed away suddenly without warning two days before he turned 46. His dad had his first heart attack at the age of 44. When he was a child, this kid caught everything. You name it. He had it. Allergies, pneumonia, chicken pox, every virus known to man….his brother never caught anything. He did. He passed out at work once. They took him to the E.R. He was told to follow up. Once they released him from the E.R., that was it. No follow up.

My ex-husband’s family tends to do this. Don’t have a doctor. Go to the E.R. Get a script. Like an antibiotic. Take antibiotic until you feel better. Stop antibiotic. Put on bathroom shelf until needed again and then take to treat yourself as needed. Don’t go to doctor. Wait until people have to break down your door and take you to the hospital because you are now unconscious and will die soon. Don’t do what the doctor says. Don’t get surgery for treatable cancer. Refuse all treatment so nobody can tell you to stop smoking.

It bothers me because I worry about him. I feel like all I can do with my family is nothing. I can’t help anyone.

My oldest son. Comes over with the rent. All upset. First, my dog is barking at him. So instead of petting dog who is wagging tell and expecting attention, he screams at dog to shut up. Then yells at me have you got thing set up with the bank yet? (am selling him the house but have to get things set on my end. I point at my foot. “Oh, yeah.” he says, totally forgetting.

But the real reason he is upset? He just became a grandfather. But his son and new wife will not speak to him. To be fair (?) they are not speaking to me either, or to my other son. They are, however, speaking to a couple of my son’s cousins. Enough to play a childish game of “We only talk to some people….the ones we like”. And one of these cousins had sent him a picture of the baby and a congrats. Sadly, I know the game they are playing is being done deliberately in a way so that my son…and me…and the rest who are not included….are hurt by it.

Although I know I should not, I do go to the baby mamma’s facebook page to see the pics. And on her public page, along with where everyone should shop for them (baby registry) are posts such as “we don’t need to talk to toxic family members” and stuff like that.

So my son is hurting. Actually both sons have been excluded. I can’t do anything to fix the hurt. Over the years, I did everything I could.

When my son’s girlfriend was pregnant, I bought her fruit and some decent food to take home because I knew they were on food stamps and she was eating canned spaghetti and such. I gave them a living decent used living room set. I babysat every weekend. I cleaned mold off of the baby bottles and without accusing anyone, showed the momma how to clean the bottles so the baby would not get sick. We got harassed by her friends and ended up in court.

And then, of course, when I was no longer babysitting and he was living with his father, I was told to go to court if I wanted to see my grandkids which I ended up having to do in the long run when they were older.

But he is my kid. And he is unhappy. And so I hurt for him. And again, there is nothing much I can do to help him. I gave him advice. Nobody ever listens to my advice. But at this point, that is all I can do.

I told him to let them go. For one thing, he is doing what we all tend to do and many of us have been there. We ask…..why don’t you love me? Why are you leaving me? What can I do…tell me…anything…what can I do to get you back?

And it’s understandable, isn’t it? That’s his kid. Whatever kind of dad he was, he paid his child support and gave away his yearly bonus to the moms of his kids for their school supplies. I’m sure the kids never knew that. But now they aren’t listening. So what can he do?

Perhaps I watch too much “Dateline” and things like that, but when it comes to nasty custody battles and people who use children like pawns in a game, I wouldn’t want to deal with these people. I want nothing to do with them.

My son….I said, let them go. And get yourself some help in dealing with this.

Maybe it’s now the frustration of not being able to do much. Maybe it’s the fact that we all reap what we sow, but also that we don’t see that we are sowing seeds of doubt and of sickness while we are working so hard to raise a good crop. And we look back and we see that we were handed those seeds by those who came before us who also trusted that if we just worked hard and planted and watered and trusted, that all would turn out well. And you see that as much as you cared and as much as you feel you tried, you still end up in a field of dysfunction.

Another message that came through for me is that when you let go and you let others take care of themselves, things tend to work out and they tend to take care of things themselves.

Worry is a form of control. I heard that once. If you think about it, we obsess about that which we cannot control. We can’t seem to let go of that which isn’t going our way. All of those things outside of ourselves that we can’t do much about at all.

It isn’t easy, is it? If we let go, it’s like we don’t care. We may have been taught to care and to help and to fix. And part of doing that was being sure that we suffered. Don’t sleep. Stay up and pace or smoke or do something self destructive because if we can’t destroy the problem then at least we can destroy ourselves.

So instead of buying the baby a gift, I bought myself a nice comfy chair with down padding and a foot rest. How do I feel about that? Of course, I would have rather bought the baby a gift. I would give them anything they needed. I have to remind myself that it is not being petty or vindictive taking care of myself instead. And I’ve told my son to make a will making sure his kids don’t get the house when he buys it from me. Or anything else he has worked hard for.

It’s not about forgiving and turning the other cheek. It’s not about the baby being innocent in all of this. I think there comes a point where you have to let go of people who are willing to hurt you. Whether or not you love them. I think sometimes you realize you should have let go a long time ago.

And I think sometimes you reach the point where you are tired of games and having to jump through hoops. You come to a point where you say….you know what? You know where you can find me. I’m done chasing. I deserve to be treated better than this.

Perhaps that was the point the angel was making. When you feel yourself sinking into negativity….it’s time to let go. When you have a bad foot…you have to heal your own foot before you can help anyone else.

As far as my son goes….the oldest one…I told him to drop off the rent at the door from now on as he is not allowed in my house. Why? Because nobody treats my dog that way. I don’t care who you are. You don’t scream at my dog.

Perhaps I need to handle everybody’s issues that way…..don’t bring them inside my door.

I’m going to see how I can get my chair to recline and get a blankie and take care of myself. Maybe get an iced coffee. Maybe finish learning another language.

I have one dog who made her way onto my lap…..they like the chair.

Meetings are back on…..see you later.

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