Life just keeps getting crazier. Or maybe it just seems that way because we have so many more images coming our way in so many forms.
I’m going to refrain from being political, but….Holy Heck, Batman. Whatta week.
I live with someone who has the news running on TV a lot. I can feel it affecting me physically and emotionally so I try to take it in little bits, but I can’t listen to things over and over again. And I feel like you have to sift through to find facts and anything decent in the world. There’s so much that’s horrible.
That’s why when I did find some good news, I wanted to pass it along here.
Did anyone read about the five year old boy who attacked some armed home invaders that were going after his mother? All this little guy knew was that nobody was gonna hurt his mom. He threw his toys at the men and then grabbed ahold of one of the men’s arms and wouldn’t let go. The men left them alone and the family was not harmed. A five year old. A baby. His love and determination gave him the strength to fight back. May not truly be a “happy” story, but it is a story where good wins out over evil and that doesn’t happen often enough. And whenever good wins, it brings a bit of hope to the world
Sometimes I think I don’t get triggered like a lot of folks because I was not physically harmed. But there are things that truly affect me because I can feel the sensations seeing the image or hearing the story bring about. And it doesn’t have to be anything truly awful for me to become uncomfortable.
I read this week about how people get hooked by the love bombing of the Narcissist. And this is nothing to be ashamed of. The Narcissist/Predator has evil on their mind. But they use kindness and sharing and compliments as bait. And like a drug dealer, once they see you are hooked, they keep coming back, but they begin to manipulate when and how much “love” you will receive. This kind of mind play can affect anyone, but can you imagine what devastation it can bring to someone who grew up with no secure connection to anyone or to someone to whom love was conditional? To believe love is not something you deserve but something that you have to earn and that can be taken from you if you fail….and to fall into this trap….can be life threatening.
This is what keeps me fighting….I know what that devastation feels like. I know too what it’s like to have someone tell you that it’s your fault.
Which brings you right back to the belief that no matter what you do, you will never do enough…be enough….and the self-hatred threatens to finish the job of destruction started at the hands of an evil, unfeeling manipulative liar. The coward knew they would destroy you. And they didn’t care about that. They did care, however, that you were “fun” and that you entertained them and amused them. And they made damn sure that nobody would believe you.
And this is not just done by priests and it is not just done by men. But when a priest does it, people are more likely to believe them and to turn against you.
I continue to move, inch by inch helping survivors because I am mad as hell. I am angry for every adult who has been abused and has had their child snatched from their arms or have had their church turn against them and call them names. I am angry every time someone in power calls a woman “cute” when she is doing her job. I am angry when a victim is afraid that people will find out what happened or they change their career goal because they have been traumatized. I am angry when someone asks me if perhaps I came on to the priest. And I am angry when someone is left alone and ripped apart from the inside with nobody who will talk to them because they don’t want to lose their job by speaking out. And I am angry at the games and the cover ups.
Wow….I didn’t know all of that was in there. Guess I’m angry. It’s not nice to be angry, is it? We should probably do yoga or meditate to get rid of that feeling.
But you know what? Sometimes it’s also healthy to cry, to yell, to scream, to run, to punch a pillow. Or to write. Because every feeling matters.
I may have mentioned that I don’t get angry often. Or at least I don’t express anger often. It’s gotten a bit easier over the years, but I don’t often have a good, gut cleansing…..I feel tons more anger than I do fear….how dare you…burst of honest anger.
Express instead of repress (or depress). Outward.
And this one time, I was with my two boys when they were probably like around 9 and 6 years old and we were at a park by a ball field and this group of kids came by. There was a mob mentality going on. About six kids or so were going after this one boy….I mean, really angry and wanting to hurt him.
So the meek little mom in me tried to reason with the boys….”Stop that guys, you are going to hurt him….stop!”
One of the boys who was on the attack turned around and looked at me and said “F*** you, lady!”
And at that moment, I just felt a surge of white hot anger come from somewhere and I swear, a part of me that I didn’t know was in there said…..”What?! What did you say to me? Don’t you EVER talk to ME like that!”
You could hear a pin drop. They were in shock.
The moment had passed. I too was in shock. It wasn’t planned, but it worked. They stopped beating this kid and the kid who got mouthy apologized to me.
The thing that felt great in that moment was that I didn’t think….I didn’t feel like I needed to forgive anyone….I got angry and because I was able to express that feeling, a potentially dangerous situation changed.
I want to harness some of that feeling again. I want everyone to harness some of that power of expressing that emotion again. Because they are getting away with it. Those who are abusing others. Right now. They are hurting someone right now. The person who hurt you may be doing the same thing to someone else.
I don’t know about you, but that makes me angry.
Comment here privately with the name of the person who abused you so our list can grow. I think you can email me here as well. Let’s come together and fight back.
Have a wonderful and safe week and don’t forget to answer this week’s poll….it’s an important one….
8 thoughts on “It’s The End of the World”
The priest who abused me was…..
I didn’t know if you wanted the name publicized. I have the info. Thank you.
Thanks for getting angry for our (my) sake. Especially as an American with a lot on your plate. Your blogs give me new perspectives and injection of self-worth, courage.
Helps me too
I would just like to note that I came across an article about two priests in Pearl River and Slidell, LA. One priest was dismissed as head of school in Slidell bc he was sending in appropriate messages to underage children. The other priest in Pearl River was arrested in his church for having sex on the altar with 2 dominetrix and a parishioner stumbled upon them. The church has gone crazy and priest are behaving like pagans not Christians. Shouldn’t there be bigger movement from the church?
Thank you….every story getting out there helps others. Appreciated 🙂
The man who began sexually abusing me when I was 10 years old is:
A family friend, who is also a lawyer did some investigative work around six years ago and found out that Jones is married and lives in a condo in Newcastle, Pennsylvania. He was a Boy Scout leader, (Troop 131 Encino, CA), and later did public relations for the Boy Scouts when he lived in California. (Encino, North Hollywood, Toluca Lake are some of the places he lived and molested me. Jones is listed on the Boy Scouts perversion files after getting arrested for molesting three boys. They had the courage to say something, I didn’t. I was taking my secret to my grave until I began psychotherapy and learned that talking about it with a trained professional is the way to transition from a victim to a survivor. BTW, his arrest occurred in 1984 where his “consequences” for sexually abusing three boys resulted in five years probation and a $1,000 fine.
In December of 2007, BEFORE I knew any of this, I moved into an apartment that I’m still currently living in today on Newcastle Street in Encino CA. It was five or six years later when I learned that of all the cities / towns in America, Jones had moved to a town in Pennsylvania called NEWCASTLE. My very first thought was, “He’s still winning, he wins.”
Then I learned here in California, on Janurary 1st, 2020, the statute of limitations has been lifted temporarily. That has always been my roadblock to getting any kind of justice. I was thrilled when Jeff Anderson & Associates told me they would like to represent me. HOPE. Hope I never had has now become available for me. I hope that his wife picks up the mail the day the letter comes from Anderson informing Jones about this. After all these years, when Jones looks over his shoulder it will not be an empty space anymore. In my imagination, he sees me off in the distance holding a sign: “You thought you’d never hear from me again. I’m coming for you now.”
I want to finish my writing with this, my truth. IT’S DEFINITELY ABOUT THE MONEY. What I frequently hear is people, athletes, celebrities, and people who are not famous say, “It’s not about the money it’s about……………………..
I’m aware that money will not give me back all that I lost, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. However, it will provide me with comfort that I’ve never experienced in my life where I’ve always lived month to month.
Anderson sent me a questionnaire to fill out. On page three there is this question, “Approximately how many times did the incident(s) of sexual contact occur?” I calculated once a month for 12 years. That’s 144 times. I calculated once every other month for 12 years. That’s 72 times. Have way between is 108 times.
I was encouraged when my advocate at Anderson told me my case is in a different category.
Thank you, D.P. for your courage in sharing your experiences. It helps me in my awareness process.